Possibility
by rosewept
Summary: "He was my only anything. Only kiss, only touch, only…fuck. I couldn't call it anything other than a fuck, because anything else hurt too much. He said it was a mistake, and making love isn't a mistake. Fucking is a mistake. Nonetheless, babies come from fucking. And my body was carrying a…baby." New Moon AU, BxE. No Breaking Dawn-esque baby obsession.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: It's been done before but all of them suck. So here is my whack at it.**

 **Summary: "He was my only…anything. Only kiss, only touch, only…fuck. I couldn't call it anything other than a fuck, because anything else hurt too much. He said it was a mistake, and making love isn't a mistake. Fucking is mistake. Nonetheless, babies come from fucking. And my body was carrying a…baby." Bella awakens with a bit more clarity after her breakup-induced depressed stupor. With a biologically impossible situation at hand, Bella must find her way back to the Cullens and solve the problem that no normal teenage girl is fit to handle. New Moon AU, BxE.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Rated M for sexual content, mention of self-harm, adult themes, and adult language.**

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

My hands were shaking. I noticed the world go silent, save for my labored breath. Goosebumps formed on my arms spontaneously, chilling me to the core.

I must have been going into shock.

 _This isn't real. This isn't fucking happening._

There had to be some explanation for it. He told me it couldn't happen. He wouldn't lie to me. He would never lie to me. In fact, that was the only thing I was 100% sure about in our brief relationship. In the end, he had withheld no truths from me. There was no sparing of the grisly details. Edward was honest and a good man. There was no doubt about that.

The thought of his name triggered nausea. I practically fell from the edge of the bathtub to the toilet, nearly slamming my forehead against the toilet's smooth porcelain as I landed on my knees. I leaned over the toilet as I felt my stomach roll. As I expelled the contents of my stomach into the toilet, I tasted bile and the partially digested bits of banana that I suppose I managed to down that morning, and spit the rest out when my airway was clear. I felt hot tears rolling down my cheeks. I laid one cheek against the lid, too tired to hold my head up.

I shut my eyes, breathing in and out. I desperately searched my brain for something that would explain what was happening. My head was spinning, and my efforts proved futile. I got off of my knees. My vision was blurry from the tears, and I had to support myself on the bathroom counter to stand up straight. When I raised my head up, I caught my own eyes in the mirror.

I looked…disgusting. There was a bit of vomit on the edge of my chapped lips and my skin looked so sallow I could have had jaundice. My hair was greasy and pulled up into a sloppy bun with the oily strands of my bangs framing my face. I don't even remember dressing myself that morning, let alone even thinking about taking a shower. I wiped the vomit off my lips with the back of my hand, too dizzy to try to grab the hand towel on the wall. I had to stop myself from smearing it all over my pants out of habit.

I managed to get myself into the shower, but realized that I was still dressed in my clothing. I noticed that I was wearing one of Renée's old sweatshirts and my most faded pair of jeans. As I took off the sweatshirt, I realized that I didn't even bother wearing a bra underneath. I winced as the rough, aged cotton brushed over my noticeably sore, swollen breasts. I attempted to shimmy out of the jeans, but I slipped on the shower floor, still wet from Charlie's morning shower. Thankfully, I slid down the back of the wall and ended up in the tub. I managed to peel the slightly damp skinny jeans and underwear off of myself. I set the other item down on the edge of the tub. My eyes were brimming up with tears again, and I desperately reached for the hot water with my right hand, my left held outside the tub, gripping onto an item for dear life.

The scalding water quickly flooded into the tub, and I curled into myself. I welcomed the warmth and masochistically enjoyed how it burned my naked flesh. I began to cry again, and tried to press my face into the water, willing myself to drown.

 _Why can't I just fucking die?_

As I looked up from the bottom of the tub, through my tears I saw the pregnancy test peeking over the edge. I knew the answer to my question.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: This chapter is probably a bit OOC for Edward. He's out of control, and really doesn't know how to stop himself. Keep in mind, this is before he had to experience the months of preparation before the events of Breaking Dawn and the complete end to his desire to kill her after the events of New Moon.**

 **Update: 9/14/18 \- I am updating this lemon because I wrote it like...two years ago? It felt very amateur to me so if you notice a difference then that is why!**

 **Summary: "He was my only…anything. Only kiss, only touch, only…fuck. I couldn't call it anything other than a fuck, because anything else hurt too much. He said it was a mistake, and making love isn't a mistake. Fucking is a mistake. Nonetheless, babies come from fucking. And my body was carrying a…baby." Bella awakens with a bit more clarity after her breakup-induced depressed stupor. With a biologically impossible situation at hand, Bella must find her way back to the Cullens and solve the problem that no normal teenage girl is fit to handle. New Moon AU, BxE.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Rated M for sexual content, adult themes, and adult language. An excerpt from New Moon is quoted in this chapter.**

* * *

 **Chapter 2**

 _ **Two Months Earlier - September 13th**_

 _I looked at Carlisle anxiously. "He's very upset."_

 _"Yes," Carlisle agreed. "Tonight is exactly the kind of thing that he fears the most. You being put in danger, because of what we are."_

 _"It's not his fault."_

 _"It's not yours, either."_

 _I looked away from his wise, beautiful eyes. I couldn't agree with that. Carlisle offered me his hand and helped me up from the table. I followed him out into the main room. Esme had come back; she was mopping the floor where I'd fallen–with straight bleach from the smell of it._

 _"Esme, let me do that." I could feel that my face was bright red again._

 _"I'm already done." She smiled up at me. "How do you feel?"_

 _"I'm fine," I assured her._ I turned to Carlisle to make a comment on his quick work, but felt my legs give out from underneath me. I began to topple backwards, but Carlisle's cool hands caught me before I could hit the floor.

"Fine, are we?" He sighed and clucked his tongue. "Back to the examination table. Do you think you can walk, Bella?"

I was suddenly feeling very dizzy, but I dismissed it. "Of course." I felt his hands detach themselves from my arms, and I began to move forward. Like the last time, I fell forwards as I tried to take a step. My head had begun spinning mid-step. This time, two pairs of hands caught me. I looked up, expecting it to be Esme's small hands assisting Carlisle to help me stand upright. I almost fell again out of shock when I saw that Edward had indeed returned. I found myself trying to look at him, but I was beginning to feel nauseous. It must have been the blood that I had stupidly gotten all over the table and floor. I hadn't even considered that Esme hadn't cleaned it yet. "Edward," I muttered softly, a delayed reaction to seeing him. My head was moving so slowly.

"What's wrong with her?" Edward demanded, and I briefly wondered why he felt the need to ask the question aloud when he could easily read Carlisle's thoughts. I felt myself being lifted into the air, and I shut my eyes and curled my face into his chest. He placed his hand on my forehead. "Did she hit her head when she fell?"

I could imagine the perfect wrinkle between Carlisle's eyebrows. "No. Bring her here." Edward turned to the left, and I was placed onto the long, white couch. My head was lifted and one of their fluffy white pillows was placed behind it. I felt his cold fingers gently probing around on my scalp. He let out a quick sigh.

"Bella?" Carlisle asked. "You faint at the sight of blood, am I correct?"

I could have sworn that I heard a slight chuckle from somewhere around me, but I couldn't imagine who would be laughing after the macabre turnout of the evening's events. I inhaled a quick breath between my teeth before I spoke. "The smell. The smell makes me faint." I groaned. "I'm sorry. I tried not to inhale anything."

I felt a small, gentle hand smoothing over my hair. "Oh, the stress must be making it worse," Esme cooed. "Carlisle, she can't go home like this."

There was a long pause. I could have sworn I could hear faint whispers, but I couldn't concentrate enough to try to listen. I heard Edward groan, but he didn't leave my side.

"Bella? Do you think you would like to stay here tonight? Jasper is on his way to Canada. He's very ashamed of his actions and I think it would be best for us to go console him. We most likely will be gone the entire night, so there will be no immediate danger. I simply don't feel comfortable letting you go home alone in your condition. Edward is more than qualified to administer any emergency procedures, and the materials are all in my office."

He words seemed to slur in my mind, so I just nodded. I felt the urge to cover my face with my hands. This was mortifying and ironic in all the wrong ways.

"You should call Charlie. He won't question it coming from you," Esme interjected, and I appreciated her quick thinking. Charlie would have a heart attack if Edward called and asked if I could stay the night.

"Yes, I'll go do that. Edward, please take Bella up into one of the bedrooms."

Edward lifted me from the couch, and I noticed the tension in his muscles. Guilt spread over my slowly. It must have been incredibly difficult to have to hold me so close after what happened. Laying my head against his still chest, I felt the vibrations as he spoke. "When are you leaving?"

"Just after I make this call. We can't afford to lose any time. Alice is with him, but they aren't back yet, so I don't think she was able to change his mind. Call me if anything goes wrong." I heard his quiet footsteps leaving the room, followed by the small clicks of Esme's heels. His final sentence made me feel as if there was double meaning to his words, but for the life of me I couldn't fathom the meaning.

Edward silently began carrying me up the grand staircase, his seemingly ever-present angst radiating out of him like an electric blanket. I pressed my forehead against his cool chest again, hoping to alleviate the spinning. He still held me at a respectable distance. If I wasn't feeling so ill, I would have laughed. Of course, the night we get alone is the night where I felt as if I might vomit on him. A hideous image of him attempting to kiss me only to step back covered in partially digested birthday cake filled my mind. It took a great effort to keep my loopy brain from laughing aloud.

We stopped on the second floor, and, with my eyes closed, I would guess we entered one of the two mysterious rooms I had never been into. Not that I had been forbidden to enter, but my interests were never piqued enough. I opened my eyes, but see only the darkened fabric of Edward's navy button down. I groaned when he pulled me away from his chest and set me down firmly on what felt like…a _bed_? My body was stretched out in a way that could never be supported on a couch.

I made the poor choice of whipping my head around to look at the room, only making my nausea worse. I blinked to clear the vertigo. With my vision clear, I could see that the room was dark. The windows were pressed against the edge of the forest, leaving me with little light to investigate. Thankfully, Edward switched on a lamp in the corner with a loud click. I jumped at the disturbance to the otherwise silent room. His movements had been ghostly, making me completely unaware of his whereabouts until he quite literally shed some light on the subject.

A sort of general confusion came over me as I took in the bedroom. The furnishings were lovely—the Cullen norm—but I lay on a king-sized ivory bed. Far too many plush pillows were behind me, with an equally luxurious white blanket thrown tastefully over the foot of the bed. Like most of the house, the wall opposing the bed was entirely windows. I looked to Edward and raised an eyebrow. "When on Earth do you have guests who actually sleep?" I was satisfied at how clear the question came out despite my brain soup. "Other than tonight, obviously."

He was leaning against a bookshelf in the corner of the room, a suspicious distance away from me. His face was relatively smooth, but I could make out the faint lines from his inner turmoil. It bothered me to see such small flaws on his otherwise perfect face. I felt the urge to walk over to him and smooth the lines with my fingertips. "It's mainly for insurance. Outsiders rarely come into the house, but Esme likes to socialize. We try to keep the second floor as human as possible. There's even toothpaste and toilet paper in the bathroom, but that's mainly for you these days." He gave me a grim, close-lipped smile.

I sighed and shut my eyes again. "Do you want to talk about it or are you just going to sulk in the corner?"

I could feel his gaze burning into my outstretched form on the bed, but I kept my face smooth and relatively unbothered. I could use my negative state to my advantage.

I heard Edward take in a quick breath. "I am very sorry, Bella. You should have never been put in this position, and I will never be able to make this up to you—" I groaned before he could continue with his atonements.

Of course he would begin the Edward-Cullen-Painfest. " _Edward_!" I whined. "Don't do that. _Please_. There's nothing to apologize for." I knew his words were sincere, but that was not what I wanted from him. He was also so quick to shoulder the blame so forcefully that it nearly incapacitated himself, and I wasn't about to allow that to continue.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when I felt the bed shift as he sat down. I had thought he wouldn't willingly come near me for another month. I noticed with glee that the world was finally still in my mind, the lightheadedness finally dissipating.

Edward let out a quiet sigh before he spoke. "Well, what do you want me to say then?" He was silent for a moment. "It's my fault your life was in danger tonight."

I opened my eyes and rolled over to face him. He stared at me in exasperation. I noticed that, like his adoptive father, he had a small wrinkle between his brows when anxious.

What did I want him to say? Him spewing apologies was typical—albeit annoying. After thinking about it for a second, I realized I shouldn't have expected anything else. My boyfriend was notoriously tortured. I decided to take another approach.

"I want you to say that you forgive me." My voice was incredibly small as I spoke. I realized quickly that that was the wrong thing to say.

Edward stared at me, his golden eyes blank before squeezing them shut and groaning into his large hands. When he looked up, his ochre eyes seemed to scorch my soul. His voice was raw with emotion when he spoke. "Forgive _you_?! What have you done? You cut your finger while unwrapping a present. It's hardly cause for the end of the world. Yet, with me, it is. You shouldn't have to worry about something as normal as bleeding. You shouldn't worry about me, killing you. If I were human—" He cut himself off, seeming too caught up in his emotions to continue.

I swallowed audibly, patiently waiting for his response.

"God, if I were human… Imagine how easy it could be, Bella." He looked away, and I could have sworn I saw the venomous sheen of his tears in his eyes. I noted that his voice had taken on an ironically cheerful tone. When he looked back to me, there was a sad smile on his face. "I could hold your hand and not have to worry about breaking your ridiculously fragile wrists." He grasped my hand and held it up for me as an example, but then continued. "I could kiss you and not have to worry about losing control." His thumb smoothed over my cheek, ghosting over the skin like I was made of the frailest of china. His cool touch sent the smallest of shivers down my spine. As he dropped his hand onto my lap, I noticed the storm grow behind his eyes. "…I could touch you—"

I couldn't be sure of what exactly happened next, but suddenly Edward's hand was running up the length of my inner left thigh, partially exposed from my open legs, as to further prove his point. My legs were bare, left open to the air for once thanks to the dress I had worn to the party. The typical shot of electricity ran through me as usual, but this skin was different. His hand was yanked away in a split second, but not before I felt a burst of desire run through me, a quick flash of heat than ran from somewhere deep in my hips to the apex of my thighs.

Edward, always the virginal saint, _never_ touched me like that. Especially not on the exposed skin that he would not _allow_ himself to touch. There had been a few times where his hands would accidentally touch something under the covers, or he would brush up against a more sensual body part in the hallways at school, but he would smooth over it like it didn't happen. But I could see the slight changes in his normally perfect demeanor. He would shift uncomfortably, which I had noticed that he didn't do, along with the rest of the vampires. He would also be very hesitant around me after that, and I could see his careful control beginning to slip. On one occasion, I thought I had seen some sort of physical response, but he seemed to clench his thighs so tightly that I'm sure he could have crushed a small building. The sign of his muscular thighs reminded me of his intense strength, and how he could easily overpower me.

The worst part was that I wanted him to.

So, so badly.

I was a hormonal teenage girl, and I had read my fair share of Renée's cheesy bodice-rippers back in Arizona. In fact, there was one I had smuggled into Charlie's, stuffed underneath my mattress. It only saw the light of day on the nights Edward went hunting, although I could never bring myself to successfully orgasm. Sex was incredibly appealing to me, and sex with Edward, who was the physical embodiment of masculine perfection, made it all the more so. With the simple touch of his cool fingers on my inner thigh, I felt a dull ache in my lower regions and my heart rate began to quicken.

When I finally had the courage to look up at him, he had his eyes trained on a spot on his lap. He kept his face blank, but I could see the panic flaring occasionally in his eyes. He was rather stiff, his nostrils flared and eyes widened. He inhaled very quickly and only a few seconds later his rigid stance relaxed ever so slightly. He was silent for nearly a minute, probably listening to my erratic heartbeat. "I'm sorry. That was inappropriate." His eyes were still wide, starin

"Don't be," I whispered. Edward had to have known that I wanted to have sex. If his sense of smell was as great as he claimed it to be, he had to have smelled my arousal. My wetness was almost embarrassing at times. Even if he couldn't smell it, sometimes I would wake up to find my leg hitched over his hips with mine practically on top of his own, and his torso shifted in a way that made him seem slightly on edge. I could usually feel the dampness of my panties as I was pressed into him. God only knows what happened while I was unconscious.

I could feel his sigh through the bed. He shook his head and gave me an exasperated look. "This is not the time to have this conversation. There has been too much risk tonight."

I felt a burst of anger shoot through me and I sat up on the bed quickly, praying the nausea wouldn't return. "Well, then when would it be ideal? We're home alone, with no crazy psychic sisters or protective dads nearby. This would be _exactly_ the time to talk about this!"

He finally looked back at me, with a slight glare in his dark golden eyes. However, I noticed as he ever so slightly pressed his thighs together and shifted in his seat. "You're ill. You were nearly attacked and then you almost fainted. You need to rest." His voice was flat, firm in his belief.

I glared back at him. "I'm fine now! Jasper's gone and you're in control...We're teenagers, Edward. How long did you think you could go without us talking about this?" I looked down at my lap, suddenly discouraged. "I mean, you clearly want it, since you just….y'know."

"It's not about whether I want it or not. It's about your safety." He spoke quickly, his voice still reflecting some of his irritation. He stood from the bed and began to pace. "I don't think you understand, Bella. If I was ever holding you too close or touching you at the wrong moment and I lost control...you wouldn't make it through...I think you overestimate the control I have around you!" He stopped to look at me, eyes wide and wild.

Perhaps I did overestimate his control. But wouldn't it be worth it to just...try? We would never know if we never attempted anything.

He sighed and looked down after a moment. "I barely made it through tonight.…You don't know how…difficult it was for me to protect you from Jasper." He paused before jumping into the next sentence with fervor. "My brain was screaming for me to kill him for even thinking of hurting you, but every single fibre of my being wanted nothing more than to sink my teeth into your neck. Your blood…god, _your blood_ …."

As he trailed off, I blushed and, to my horror, I felt the familiar dampness spread in my panties, and I was almost amazed at the instantaneous reaction. My center throbbed in want.

 _For the love of God, please don't let him smell it._

I struggled to speak, and looked down to try to cover my blush. Edward's suppressed, dark nature had always been a bit of a turn-on for me. As he spoke, he painted a picture in my mind of the sinful action. His full lips moving slowly towards my jugular, bared for all the world to see. I could practically feel the vessel throbbing. I subconsciously rubbed my thighs together as more of my arousal flooded my underwear. "I-I-I'm sorry."

He turned away from me, and I saw him rub and cover his face with his hand. "You aren't making it any easier for me.

As quickly as the blush came, I felt my face pale at his words. "W-What does that mean?!"

"You're wet. I can smell it getting stronger as we speak." The words came out quickly and with an agitated force.

I stared at him in horror, trying to ignore the urge to run to the bathroom and hide for hours. My greatest fear had been proven true. Edward could smell my desperation. Finally, I snapped. Tears quickly formed in my eyes, and I began to sniffle. The sniffles quickly turned into full-on sobs. Edwards arms almost immediately encircled me, and I could feel the softness in his form once again.

He spoke in a broken voice. "I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't mean to say that. I didn't meant to embarrass you…" He paused, muttering something unintelligible under his breath. I felt his cold hand under my jaw, his fingers ghosting over my cheek. "Oh, love, please don't cry. It's your birthday." He wiped my tears away with the sleeve of his dark blue shirt. His voice was broken and I knew he was genuine. Of all the things Edward wanted, I was almost one hundred percent certain that he did not want to intentionally hurt me.

As he said that, I began to cry harder. "I'm so sorry. I just…I just love you so much. I can't help it. And I make things so difficult for you." I pressed my face into his shoulder as I sobbed, and tried to avoid getting any snot on the dark fabric. "I just want you so badly."

This was a new level of pathetic.

I felt him swallow and shift again before rocking me in his arms. "Shh, shh. It's not your fault. It's _mine_. You could do so much more if not for me. It's my fault we can't do this."

I sniffled. "Is there any way?"

"No." His answer was final.

The rejection stung like a slap to the face, but it didn't stop me from trying again.

"I know you won't hurt me. Please, Edward," I cried, and I realized that I wasn't even turned on anymore. I didn't even care. I felt myself pathetically pressing myself against him. I don't think even his super strength could remove me. "I know you want it too."

"I do," he whispered, his voice filled with a longing that made my heart break. "I've been waiting for nearly one hundred years to make love with the woman of my affection. But we just can't, Bella." I felt him shake his head, and his hand began smoothing over my hair. The touch was wonderful, but nothing close to what my body really wanted.

"Edward…." I tried to speak again but it only trailed off into another set of tears. I was fully aware of how disgusting I sounded, but it seemed my pride did not mind for once. I decided to try one last thing. It was pathetic, really. "Like you said, it's my birthday. You said you'd give me whatever I wanted, no matter the cost."

"No, Bella." He began running his fingers over my arms, gently trying to push me back. "Don't you feel ill? What about your arm?"

My arm had gone to the back of my mind, and I almost swore when he drew attention to the stinging in my bicep. I pulled away from his shirt to look at his dimly lit face. No amount of pain would deter me. I could see the tension in his features, and it didn't seem to be a pleasant reminder for him either. "I'm fine, I swear…."

I trailed off again, not wanting to seem distracted from what I really wanted. The rejection was nearly suffocating, but I had to keep trying. He made it seem like he wanted me too, why couldn't he just stop resisting? It would have been an entirely different situation if he truly did not want my body...but when he explained how much restraint it took from him...

The words spilled out. "I'll do anything. Edward, please…All I want to do is try. If it doesn't work, then we can stop."

He looked at me for a long moment, and I bit my lip in nervousness. I felt another tear slip down my cheek. My heart was still pounding, and hopefully my tears would help my cause. I looked at him with pleading eyes.

He shook his head, shutting his eyes once again. His expression was torn between desire and doing what he felt was right. "Bella…you can't ask this of me. When I've wanted to give you so many things and this is what you want...This... _impossible_ thing that I would love to be capable of giving you..." His comment sounded more like a surrender than denial.

"This is all I want," I whispered. "Please…I could never love you any more than I do now." A tear slipped down my cheek again. "In fact, I don't think anyone could love you as much as I do…" I trailed off, unable to come up with another comment. I decided to beg once more, pressing my face into Edward's chest. " _Please_."

"Bella….I can't." I couldn't see his expression, but he spoke as if he had a sob caught in his throat. "I want to give you so much…I just can't give you this."

I sobbed into him, the rejection overshadowing any pain from my arm. My face burned with embarrassment, and I'm sure he felt the change in warmth against his skin. "Edward… _please_ ," I begged one last time.

Edward remained silent and I repressed a sob by pushing my face further into his chest. His hand trailed down my back and pulled me closer still, and I tried to hide my face by curling it inwards so he couldn't see me. I began to lift my head when I felt his ice cold fingers brushing against the exposed underside of my jaw. I slowly turned my face upwards towards him, expecting to see that same beautiful sadness in his expression when I opened my heavy and irritated lids. However, instead of that, I saw his face moving towards my own.

When we kissed, my eyes fell shut once more. The electricity sparked as his lips gently caressed mine. After a moment—when I felt that the normal Edward amount of kissing time had passed—I moved to pull away from him. As I pulled back, one hand that was wrapped around my waist moved to pull me back towards him.

My eyes opened in shock and I ended the kiss abruptly. Instead of moving away, I pressed my forehead against his. When I spoke, my voice was a barely audible. "…Edward?"

His cold breath ghosted over my face as he took an unnecessary breath. His eyes remained closed. "Bella…if you want this so badly, don't stop me because I am incredibly tempted to change my mind."

As his words sunk in, my heart nearly stopped before reaching a speed that it had never come close to before. My entire body became warm, and I wasn't entirely sure it was from my own blush or if it was a completely mental feeling. To reciprocate his actions, I took a quick gasp before pressing my mouth to his once more, moving my hands to wrap around his neck tightly. Suddenly, my tears were forgotten and my body was live wire. Every inch of my skin was charged and I only wanted to press it against him. My entire body was calling for his touch.

My heart stopped once more when I felt his lips open against mine, signaling the entrance of his tongue into my mouth. This was already being taken farther than we had ever gone before. When our tongues made contact, I felt a direct throb in my core. I somehow pulled myself closer to him, practically curling myself into his lap. But I quickly had to gasp away to get air. My eyes nearly rolled back into my head when I felt his lips and tongue, cold as ice, moving down my chin and jaw to reach my neck. I gasped as he pressed his tongue against my jugular, and wetness flooded from me as I realized how close he was to my artery.

I moved my hand from his neck to knot my fingers into his hair. As much as it excited me, I had to keep him in control. "Edward."

He stilled his body and slowly pulled his lips away from my neck. A pit formed in my stomach as I realized I may have stopped him from giving me what I wanted.

Edward lifted his head from my neck. I assessed his face, noting his wild eyes and heavy breathing. He blinked several times, forcing himself to regain control. He did a slight, unconscious nod before looking to me and giving a sheepish smile. I laughed lightly.

"Perhaps you should lie down."

I realized that, even in the heat of the moment, I had never moved myself from his lap and we were in an entanglement of sorts.

I suppressed a cheeky smile as I understood the deeper meaning behind his words. I nodded and shifted myself out of his lap, laying back on the incredibly soft pillows. I realized that I still had my shoes on. I discreetly used the back of my heel to remove the slip on Vans.

Edward slowly stood from the side of the bed and as he turned to me, I could finally see his face. I saw clear desire in his eyes, but a firm control held his frame. He wasn't tackling me or ripping me to shreds, and he had already come dangerously close to my jugular.

I lifted my hand and beckoned him forwards. "We're just going to try."

He looked away to the window for a moment, his expression torn. I could see the internal battle being fought. Edward's morals were constantly being tested in his mind. He made at seem as if he was in eternal conflict with himself: the battle between his mind and his nature. I briefly wondered which side of him wanted my body.

Meanwhile, my own anxiety coursed through me. Before tonight, just the mere possibility of getting intimate with Edward would have made me laugh. It was an impossibility. Yet I was seconds away from actually getting what I wanted. Adrenaline rushed through me, making my mind spin with excitement and heart pump with eagerness.

"Edward…I trust you. Please…" I reached my hand out further to grip his own. He turned back to me and forced a smile. "I love you," I whispered, trying to keep my voice from shaking. His forced smile softened.

"As I love you." He lowered himself onto the bed. He paused for a moment. "For the moment…I think it would help if I were to be on the bottom."

I nodded. Edward's comfort was the most important thing. I held out my arms to him to adjust me as he pleased.

In less than a second, I was on top of him, with him lying against the pillows. The feeling of his body suddenly between my legs made my heart leap and my arousal return. I shouldn't have been taken aback when his lips met mine once again, but I jumped initially before hesitantly moving into the kiss. I had to control my own actions, but I could feel myself giving into my own desire.

Once again, his lips parted mine and I moaned softly as he tasted me. I blushed and had to make an effort not to pull back in self-revulsion, but he merely chuckled at me.

The feeling of his icy hand on the outside of my thigh wasn't entirely foreign, but it felt incredibly strange in this new context. Little sparks of electricity shot through me, making my chest crackle in excitement. His hand slowly glided up my thigh to move under my dress, exploring the new skin with light, hesitant touches. The touch was incredibly pleasant, somehow both fiery hot and freezing cold at the same time. He moved torturously slow, tracing indiscernible shapes across my skin as he reached my hips, brushing over the waistband of my underwear. He toyed with it lightly for a moment, dipping a finger underneath to touch the soft skin of my hip. The location was rather innocuous, but I couldn't hold in my light giggle from the slightly inappropriate and ticklish spot. I felt him smile lightly against my lips, but otherwise continued to kiss me, moving his hand upwards again over my side to eventually rest his hand on my waist. As his hand ascended, the skirt of my dress began to pool around my hips, almost exposing my soaked underwear to him. If the dress was lifted just a little higher...

His thumb moved in circles, giving me chills that ran up my spine. I gasped softly and felt myself throw myself into the kiss a little more. I was becoming very…bothered and it took all the restraint in the world to keep me from grinding against his groin. I knew a lot about Edward, and grinding wasn't even close to his idea of romance. Beneath me, I felt nothing prodding me yet, but I could feel the slight tension in his hips below. He kept them still, but I wondered how long until I would feel something poking me through my underwear.

The very thought of something so sexual and downright _foreign_ coming from Edward made my stomach do a backflip.

His lips broke from my own, and when he spoke, his velvet voice was strained.

"I keep telling myself to move slowly…but I think if I moved at the pace I thought we should, you wouldn't leave this bedroom until you were twenty." He forced a chuckle, and his nervousness broke through. I pulled back to look at his impossibly handsome face. I had never seen him look nervous before. Anxious, yes, but never nervous. What could he possibly be nervous about? He was Edward. Everything he did was perfect.

I ran my hands through his hair, applying pressure to his scalp with my nails. He seemed to relax greatly from my touch, leaning into my hand for a second. He shut his eyes and pressed his forehead against mine again. When he opened his eyes, they were wide in uncertainty. His usual confidence and smug attitude had vanished.

"Bella…are you absolutely sure?" He sounded terrified, all the softness gone. Rather than appearing like his typically daunting, Edwardian self, he seemed much more like the seventeen year old virgin I knew he was.

Sometime I felt as if the words 'Edward' and 'virgin' shouldn't be in the same sentence at all. His body was literally designed to draw us weak, susceptible humans in. How had he not ensnared someone in the near hundred years he had spent in immortality? I hadn't believed him when I'd asked him explicitly. He'd implied months ago that he'd never felt anything like what he felt for me with anyone else. However, that didn't necessarily mean he had never had sex.

 _"Edward, there is no way you're a virgin," I whispered, a giggle threatening to bubble over. He was too perfect, how could he have abstained from the thousands—and I am sure it was thousands—of thoughts he had heard expressing their desire for him? I was thankful for my silent mind, hiding the countless embarrassing scenarios my mind had concocted. I don't think I would survive our relationship if he had been able to hear my internal monologue._

 _He gave me a half-sheepish, half-cocky smile and shrugged. "I'm as pure now as the day I was born."_

 _I scoffed and then felt my face grow hot as my thoughts took a lewd turn. I looked away so he couldn't catch it, but he missed nothing. "What is it?"_

 _I bit my lip, refusing to meet his eyes. It was quite difficult when we were pressed up against each other in my small bed._

 _He laughed. "Oh, now I have to know." I could feel his eyes on me, and I couldn't resist looking back at him after a moment. Shit. He was dazzling me. He knew exactly how to break me. One thick eyebrow lifted into the air in question, beckoning me to speak._

 _"I was just curious...does everything..._ work _y'know? Like a normal man?" I asked, and immediately regretted it. My next words came out rushed and fumbling. "I just—I-I'm not exactly educated in vampire science and—"_

 _His laughter cut me off, nearly shaking the bed from its intensity. I tried to share the same feeling but was ultimately too mortified to do so. I stared at him expectantly, waiting for his laughter to subside and to hear whatever possible explanation he had._

 _It eventually quieted, but his lips still twitched in a smile. "Oh, Isabella. You're so precious and you don't even realize it." His cold finger tapped me on the nose and I scowled at him. "To answer your question...yes, everything works." I felt my stomach bubble excited at the words. Quietly, he mumbled. "It all works a little_ too _well, if you ask me."_

 _I thought about that response for the rest of the night._

I had never wanted something…someone so badly in my entire life. My entire body ached for him in a way that could never be expressed. The mere proximity of us in such a close embrace made me feel more warm than I ever had—and he already made me very warm. Instead of speaking, I kissed him once more, pulling as much passion as I could.

He kissed me back, responding with the same unfamiliar passion. It was almost crippling, to feel this new intensity that I hadn't seen before. He had held so much back from me, and he released it all in that single kiss. I took that as him accepting my answer. Our tongues touched once more, and I whimpered into his mouth.

His lips began to move down my jaw again, but only ghosted down my throat before reaching the neckline of my dress. His hands, steady and determined, moved behind my back to nearly yank the zipper down, somehow not entirely ripping it off in the process. He then moved to the hem of my dress, pushing it upwards. I lifted my hips to make the task easier. He pushed his hands upward, leaving a trail of icy fire over my skin as he ascended them and lifted the dress. I raised my arms and he pulled the satin garment off of me, tossing it aside with a little more speed than necessary. I followed it with my eyes before looking back to him.

I was now completely exposed to him, save for my bra and underwear. I was thankfully wearing a decent navy bra that provided both lift and support and matching navy underwear. I had forgotten how dark they were and their appearance temporarily saved me from revealing how aroused I was. Whereas my desire was temporarily hidden, Edward's was not.

His eyes were hungry, roaming over all of this new, foreign territory with a want I had not seen in his eyes before. The sight of something so absolutely different from Edward made me feel tingly all over, most notably in my stomach. His irises were a dark, dark golden and they wheeled over my form, tracing my curves. His hands dropped to my waist, pushing small circles into my skin with his thumbs. For the first time since we began, I felt self-conscious.

A blush quickly blossomed on my face, rapidly declining down to my chest. I realized that he now could see how far my blush descended. I dropped my eyes, feeling a touch small, before his fingers were under my jaw again, pushing my face up towards his. His cool touch made my head spin, one part of my mind trying to comprehend what was happening while another part was trying to rationalize the unfamiliar Edward behavior. Edward engaging in any sort of sordid actions had previously been associated with alarm bells in my head, a learned reaction to keep him from doing something he might regret. It was both terrifying and satisfying not to object to his devotion.

He spoke a strained whisper. "You are stunning, Isabella."

The words scent a waft of that delectable, irresistible aroma over my face and into my nostrils. Honey and sunshine. My eyes nearly rolled back at how amazing it was, but I forced myself to keep my eyes on him. His face was still hungry, but not for my blood clearly. He would occasionally drop his eyes to view what I was offering him. His hand snaked around to settle on the small of my back, forcing me to sit up a little straighter on his lap. As I readjusted, I felt the thing I couldn't find before.

Edward's member was firm in his pants, slightly poking me now in a spot that made me feel hot all over. My face caught on fire at the realization that I was feeling _him_ but the shock was short-lived. We both gasped at the contact and I saw his lip lift ever so slightly in a playful smile. It was quickly removed by my own lips, attacking his own in my desperation to move closer.

His patient speed was quickly beginning to drive me insane.

His hands moved from the small of my back to past my waist and then move behind the clasp of my bra. Once again, my head nearly fell back from the electricity of his touch, making me break out in goosebumps all over while somehow being entirely warm. He pulled his head back from me, toying with the clasp of my bra. I, on the other hand, was not so eager to expose that part of myself yet. He wasn't being entirely fair.

"…Would it be fair of me to remove your shirt now?"

When he looked up at me, it almost seemed like I disturbed him. He nodded, caught off guard, and dropped his hands.

I settled myself by straddling his lap. We had to have both been incredibly aware of his arousal, which had grown slowly to press against my center. His pants were a frustrating barrier, but I didn't dare to try to grind on him.

My hands were quite shaky as I undid the buttons of his navy blue button down. I had seen his perfection a couple times, but nothing could prepare me for the masterpiece of his frame. I almost felt embarrassed next to him. He was so smooth and muscular, almost as if he truly was made of marble. In comparison, I felt red and unflattering.

I reached my hands out to run my fingertips over his abs. They were hard and perfect, but not overly defined. His lanky frame was subtly crafted, with muscles hiding underneath the smoothness of his skin. I found myself incredibly grateful for his inability to grow body hair, because any hair would just damage his perfection.

I felt his body jolt underneath my touch, the muscles flexing. He shifted his hips.

I struggled to speak, but I did want to increase the pace. "Perhaps, the rest of the clothes now?"

I gasped as I felt Edward's cold fingers gripping my waist suddenly. In a swift movement, he had removed his pants from beneath me. It had happened in a matter of me being lifted up by a single hand.

We were both as exposed as we had ever been with anybody, yet we hadn't even begun yet.

I didn't disguise my expression as I moved to see his entire frame. He was a sculpture, to put it simply. His black boxer briefs helped to disguise his desire, but my face flooded.

I had known these parts of Edward worked—he had told me so. However, seeing them myself and in this particular context was both enthralling and mind-boggling. I had spent the entirety of our relationship believing that what was transpiring between us was almost definitely an impossibility. Yet, his dick was pressed up against me.

The very thought made my core tighten and I struggled not to moan aloud.

His eyes continued to roam over me, looking a touch more nervous than before. His heavy brows were lifted ever so slightly in bewildered bliss, and I felt a burst of pride for myself when I realized I had created that response in him.

"You are a vision, Isabella," he whispered, grabbing the ends of my hair flung over my shoulder. He twirled them in his fingers before letting them drop. "I have wanted to see you…touch you for so long." The words made my blush impossibly deeper. He moved his fingers to stroke along my shoulder, hitching his pointer finger under my bra strap. "Are you sure you're ready?"

I had never been more ready for anything. My body would surely implode if he were to back out now. I nodded quickly, and I moved to run my fingers through his hair again. "I am if you are."

His eyes left my face and moved to my shoulders. His finger dragged along the bra strap until he reached the band at the center of my back. Moving his hand from my waist, he deftly undid the clasp of my bra. He slid his fingers under the straps, his fingers ghosting over my skin like a feather, and pulled the garment off of me. I heard his intake of breath, but I couldn't bring myself to look at his expression.

I shut my eyes as my natural embarrassment took over. I couldn't see his face, nor did I want to. I felt his eyes scaling my form, and my skin burned like fire. My chest was ablaze, and he could finally see how far my blush descended.

After an immeasurable moment, I felt something cold brush my cheek, leaving it to tingle as if I'd been burned. I opened my eyes to see Edward, his face much closer than before. His eyes seemed to melt into mine, molten pools of gold. There he was, dazzling me again. My breath caught in my throat. Wherever my mind had been before, it was insignificant next to the reminder that Edward Cullen was looking at me with pure adoration in his eyes.

"Bella, _please_ , do not hide your eyes." He shook his head infinitesimally. "I would give the world to understand an inkling of what you think. When you cut them off from me, I lose everything." He raised his eyebrows at me, hoping that I understood. I nodded, still too dazzled to speak aloud.

Edward's hand drifted to my jaw and he ever so softly pushed my jaw back, tilting my head backwards. I heard the softest of gasps and I had to suppress the urge to shut my eyes again. Years of poor self-esteem were not boding well for me.

There was another long still moment before Edward's chilly fingers ghosted down my throat, drawing a trail of fire that made my nerves scream in pleasure. The pleasant chill made me very cold and I felt goosebumps break out over my skin. The electricity humming between us created a pleasant energy over my skin as he touched me. I wanted his hands all over me.

As his fingers reached the curve of my right breast, I seemingly blushed a darker shade. I had never been touched by anyone like this, never so exposed. My breasts weren't small, but not large either. My nipples stood at full attention, hardened by the near constant stimulation he had been giving my body with his wintry digits. My breasts had never been touched by anyone other than myself, and I had never understood why their stimulation was such a focus in Renee's romance novels. However, now, I understood. My nipples were practically reaching toward him, especially with my head tilted back. I ached for his nimble fingers to trace and tweak them, for his hands to massage me, for his mouth to taste me there. The sensitive buds had never been so desperate to be touched.

I looked to him in excitement, eager to see his expression finally. He studied the skin there, eyes far more intense focused than one would typically see. He was _infatuated_ , ghosting his fingers over me before actually making contact.

I couldn't contain my gasp as his fingers moved ever so slowly down my breast. When his fingers finally touched my right nipple, I sucked in another breath as it tightened even more, almost painfully sensitive and hard from the chill. He stared at it still, eyes both hungry and intrigued. I felt him place it between his thumb and forefinger, and I released the shaky breath from my lungs as he ran the hard bud between his fingertips. He looked at it, almost studying the tight flesh. Soon, his fingers left my nipple only to palm my breast. The feeling of my nipple rubbing over his smooth palm sent sparks of desire straight to my panties, flooding me with wetness and a throbbing desire. My core was hot and pulsating, waiting for attention. It took all of my strength not to moan.

As he palmed my breast, he massaged it gently and placed his other hand on my left breast. I gasped again at the unexpected touch and bit my lip to try to keep my body from moving spontaneously from pleasure. His touch was divine. I had never known that he could make my body feel such strange things. I spared one last look to him, intently focused despite the wildness in his eyes, before unconsciously tossing my head back to the ceiling as he stroked the pebbled flesh again.

With my head up to the ceiling, I never anticipated the cold wetness of his mouth on my hardened right nipple. I gasped loudly and gripped onto his head, trying to convey the absolute pleasure that his mouth had brought me. He ran his lower lip over my nipple, and I finally looked down to him. His eyes were shut, but my glance seemingly called him as he met my eyes with a hooded glance. I had never seen such unbridled desire in his eyes. He looked _free_ —there was no restraint, no distress in this look. It took extreme power not to come undone just from his look. However, when he shut his eyes again and moved his lips to pull my tip into his mouth, I finally released my moan and threaded my fingers into his hair.

His lips pulled my nipple gently, the cold and wet making me feel painfully aroused. My eyes rolled back into my head when his tongue laved the tip and eventually wrapped around it. The feeling was absolutely sublime and so erotic. My hips almost began moving against his own, but I was shocked when his own hips moved up against mine. I felt myself almost come undone as he placed pressure on my center. He moaned, and the vibration sent another wave of pleasurable sensation down to my core. I almost sobbed from the sensations.

He suckled my nipple with fervor for a moment before letting it go with a wet _pop_. I tightened my fingers into his hair and looked to his face, but his head was already on the route to my neglected left breast. In contrast, the right ached from the cold air as it was exposed. He wasted no time placing the left between his lips, running his tongue around my areola before beginning to taste it once more. I groaned and couldn't help myself from finally grinding against his erection. The dual sensation made my hips buckle and he moaned against me in return, opening his mouth and breathing cold air against me. I tossed my head back again. Edward detached his lips from my breast, leaving me feeling painfully unattended.

"You are so warm…" he whispered, the cold air blowing over my ribs. "I never thought…I feel your heartbeat in every part of you."

I was momentarily shocked as he flipped me onto my back, leaving him on top and me on the bottom. However, his hands moved to stroke my nipples once more, this time with much more fervor, leaving me incapable to question the switch or to respond to his words. A shaking breath came out of me, and one of his hands was placed on my abdomen. He likely was attempting to calm me, but it only made my stomach twist in excitement. A moment later, he switched the hand on my stomach back to my breast as began to kiss down over my ribs, his fingers almost pinching to stimulate the hardened tips. I moved my hands from his hand to push on the backs of both hands, signaling that I needed more of his touch. He palmed both breasts as he kissed downwards, running his thumbs over my sensitive peaks occasionally. His touch was quick, but the pressure was enough to almost make me moan. As his thumb smoothed over my right nipple, I almost bucked my hips into his face. In response, he shocked me by forcibly pushing my hips down.

He looked up at me, raising one perfect thick eyebrow. I got the impression that I wasn't helping with his control, but he didn't look concerned. Instead, he looked… _playful_. He returned his lips to my left hip, kissing around the curve.

Edward's suddenly boyish attitude surprised me, since his attitude had been so serious moments before. The thought almost began to concern me until I felt his cold lips on the inside of my left thigh.

I bit my lip to hold in my moan. He was nearing dangerous territory. I didn't consider what he might have been doing before I noticed that his head hovered above my underwear, hand reaching to pull them off of me.

I sputtered in shock. "Edward?!"

He looked up, alarmed. "Do you not want me to?"

I shook my head rapidly. I had never thought I would want something so bad in my whole life. It had just never occurred to me that he would be into less…. _traditional_ methods of sex. My underwear were sopping with arousal.

"No, no, please…oh my God, please!" I tossed my head back against the pillow.

Edward's fingers dipped into the waistband of my underwear. I had lifted my hips to help him, but I only pressed myself further against his face, and I thought I heard him stifle a moan through his closed lips as he pushed my hips down forcefully and he pulled them off so quickly I heard the material rip. A gush of wetness emerged in response to his domination. As he pulled the remaining scraps off of me, I felt their weight and wetness against my leg. I did not see where Edward discarded them.

For the first time, I actually considered the state of my downstairs. I wasn't a shaver, but I did keep my curls trimmed and made sure they were never unruly. I didn't think Edward would mind much, since he had always been about traditional values. I would have been lying if I said I hadn't been trying to take better care of my landscaping since meeting him.

I looked to him to see him practically transfixed by my most personal area, finally exposed to him. He took a deep breath and spoke. "Oh, Bella."

I couldn't hide my shaky breath as he placed his hands between my thighs, the chill sparking the electricity once more. He ever so gently parted them and I saw him faintly inhale. I didn't know whether that was good or bad. He was silent for a moment.

His hands suddenly gripped my inner thighs, quickly separating them and opening myself further to him. The movement was sudden, and he spoke quickly. "If I can't have your blood, then this is the next best thing," he announced. I looked down again, only to see him lowering his head between my thighs.

As soon as his tongue made contact with my folds, I yelped from the contact, jerking upwards. He chuckled, and I felt another gush of wetness at the vibrations. He gripped my hips to keep them in place, pressing his fingers into my flesh to hold me down. I was feeling so desperate and I almost began pressing myself against him again. His hands gripped tighter to keep me in place, wrapping my thighs almost around his head.

 _Well, he doesn't need to breathe…._

His tongue began moving slowly, tasting the coats of arousal that were covering my lower lips. I moaned in relief as something finally made contact with me, but I quickly wanted more as I realized it wasn't enough. He moved tortuously slow, and I think I let out a whine before attempting to press his face closer by pulling on his hair. He obliged by readjusting his position and raising my thighs slightly. It required no effort on my part, and I began to moan almost uncontrollably as Edward's tongue probed around. When he actually made contact with my throbbing clit, I pressed my face into a nearby pillow to try to muffle my yelp. His lips enclosed around it and he began to suck on it as well. I felt myself still trying to press myself closer to him, but he could only do so much. As he continued with his work, he would occasionally move to lap up my arousal, as if he really did enjoy it. I had no idea what it could taste like, but he seemed to enjoy it. I found myself pressing myself onto his cold face. I couldn't bring myself to look at him, since I would surely die from how red my face was.

When his tongue would run over my clit, I would almost instantaneously moan. The pressure was building for my first orgasm, but that was so incredibly pleasurable I didn't think I could take any more. I was already about to burst before his tongue even touched me. However, as he circled my clit with his tongue, I felt myself finally reach release.

It was a very unusual sensation, definitely unlike anything I had felt before. There was extreme heat, coupled with the feeling that I had fallen from a great height. I heard myself moaning loudly, but it was almost muffled by the cloud of ecstasy that fogged my mind. It almost felt like a thousand firecrackers had gone off between my legs. Edward continued to taste me, lapping up my wetness. I hated to go against his wishes, but there was no way to stop my eyes from closing.

I almost wept when the sensation faded, but I only exhaled loudly. Edward had stilled, and I was almost unwilling to open my eyes to see him. Thankfully, he was preoccupied by suddenly peppering my body with kisses, moving up my figure until he was pressing his lips against my own. He was excited, and I pulled my head back to balk at his response.

His face was gleeful, his eyes bright with excitement. "Oh, Bella, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you!" He pressed his lips against mine again.

I furrowed my brow, but didn't hesitate to kiss him back. "…For what?" I asked incredulously.

He looked at me like I had missed something obvious. "For allowing me to see the most marvelous sight the world could possibly conjure."

As his words sunk in, I just rolled my eyes and kissed his stupid, smiling lips. I rarely saw him excited and I loved the light in his eyes. He seemed playful, but I knew from his body that he was still under careful control. However, his control couldn't conceal what was poking me in the thigh through his underwear. I made a quick decision and found myself gripping onto it. I couldn't have anticipated Edward's reaction.

He gripped my waist and a shudder ran through his body. I felt his fingers tighten uncomfortably around my rib cage, and I held in the small squeak that nearly escaped. They groped higher until one hand clutched my breast and the other gripped my shoulder.

 _Oh no_. I had done something bad. I had risked his control. I knew there was a reason I never saw playful Edward.

He pushed his hands until he was hovering above me, and I realized what was happening. We were so close, and any sign that he should stop would ruin the evening. I quickly dropped my hand and held it to my chest. Edward, who seemed to be unaware, loosened his fingers and took in a quick breath. He lowered himself down, but balanced his weight on the hand on my shoulder. I could feel his knuckles braced against him, supporting the weight.

"Oh, no. I don't think I can handle that tonight." He breathed, his body visibly relaxing in front of me. I nodded. "Let's just…stick with the basics for me."

He lowered himself so his hips pressed against mine and we both moaned lightly. I blushed, but my face was already so red I doubt one could tell the different. I could already feel the wetness returning. My hands fisted in his hair, and the pain was completely forgotten. We kissed and he began to gently move our hips together. The friction of his underwear was maddening, and I found myself almost bucking my hips into his again.

His boxers were almost completely soaked from my wetness after a few moments. Edward lifted his head from my lips. "Bella, are you sure?"

When I spoke, my voice was barely a breathy whisper. "Yes." I had never been more sure of anything in my entire life. My body would surely explode if he were to change his mind.

He nodded almost absentmindedly, his mind clearly focused on something, and raised his hips. From the angle in which he was in above me, I couldn't see what he was doing. When I felt fabric of something brush against my thighs, understanding dawned on me.

I felt my gut do another somersault. He was removing his underwear; the thought made me blush even though I was already entirely nude and had already touched his member. He had already tasted me in my most intimate of places, yet the mere thought of something so private and outright sexual directly spawning from Edward was unheard of. Until that one conversation, it was a very real possibility in my mind that he did not have a dick at all. Sex and Edward fell into two different spheres that only touched in my mind, when my thoughts would go to darker, impossible places. I only began to consider that side of him after our conversation about his virginity, my thoughts spiraling down the sex rabbit hole. I wasn't entirely sure why I was so surprised that Edward was, in fact, a man. A man with sexual desires and urges and parts that worked just as well as any other man's. Or possibly even better, as he had hinted at. The knowledge that he had that side of him that I would seemingly never see was maddening. It was one of the driving forces behind my own conquest to rid myself of my virginity. It was madness to know that Edward _could_ engage in passionate love with me, but forced himself to abstain.

The concept of his much-thought-of-dick—a fantasy that I never dreamed I'd be able to witness with Edward in any state of rationality—coming anywhere near me sent my heart into overdrive.

I couldn't stop the words, pushed out by my stupid, hormonal passion. "Are you going to let me see it, then, if I can't touch it?"

He looked at me then, his expression a touch shocked and... _bashful_? My blush remained, swirling on my cheeks and circulating down to my breasts. I noticed his eyes drop for the briefest of seconds. His mouth twitched as he tried to conceal his smirk, but then laughed lightly and nodded. "It's only fair," he conceded. Slowly, he pushed himself back onto his knees to finally reveal what lay between his legs. I noticed his eyes dart away from mine, almost as if he too was nervous about being seen. The thought was laughable; Edward was designed to be a god. How could he even have a drop of modesty left in him? A century had passed since his birth; surely, he had changed with the times.

My mouth literally fell open at the sight. From the dicks I had seen in pictures, movies, and artwork, nothing could compare to his. Long, pale, and… _intense_. I couldn't even think of how to describe how it looked. I was normally a little repulsed by human male penises, but his was actually as pretty as the rest of him. With his pale pallor, it resembled a marble sculpture. I felt my center throb in desire and my stomach do a flip. My brain could hardly process the reality of what I was seeing.

"G-goodness," I choked out, almost unable to look away. I did, however, not wanting to make him uncomfortable. His eyes still did not meet mine until a few moments later. His responding smile was small. He looked thoughtful for a moment before laughing lightly.

"I don't know why I'm being modest...I've been a man for nearly ninety years now and I still feel as if I should be blushing like a schoolgirl—"His eyes shot to me, eyes originally looking playful but growing more hungry as they traced the path of my blush again—"all because the girl I love is looking at me...like this."

I giggled in spite of my nerves. "Old habits die hard."

"Very old, in fact. Elderly."

I felt my nose wrinkle for a second before I burst into giggles again. His hand traced my cheek then, quieting the sound. I bit my lip, staring up into his gaze that grew more and more wanton by the minute.

His lips pressed against mine again, his cold tongue snaking out to trace the shape of my lips. The electricity sparked from lips all the way down to my center. My hips twitched and I brushed against something cold and hard. He took in a breath. I pulled back, checking his expression.

His eyes were alight in a way that I hadn't seen before, burning with both desire and a happiness that could surely make my life entirely wonderful as long as I got to witness it. However, I noticed them grow uncertain, his eyes dropping from mine before closing tightly. I could feel his indecision radiating off of him in waves.

"It's okay. I'm ready, I swear," I ran my fingers over his cheek. "I love you. I… _trust_ you. More than anything. I know you can do this."

He nodded, eyes still shut. When he pulled away to speak, his voice was a soft whisper. "You'll tell me if anything is wrong. Promise me."

"I promise," I whispered. Silence filled the space and my nerves were running haywire in anticipating. I had never felt so alive, each cell dancing in excitement.

I felt his moving his hips. I took a deep breath.

Finally, his cold member brushed against me against. My goosebumps seemingly doubled as I felt my nerves light up once again, excitement literally tangibly flowing through me. I waited patiently, and he slowly began to move it forward. I adjusted my hips slightly to improve the angle. We both gasped as we made contact with other. He slowly began to insert himself. The pleasurable chill was unbelievable, but he seemed to be overwhelmed by the heat of my body. I gripped my hands in the hair on the nape of his neck, wordlessly trying to encourage him to keep going. He released a couple shuddering breaths. He looked into my eyes, and pushed further. Finally, he was lined up at my entrance. "I'm so sorry, love." He pushed further and finally pushed through the barrier.

I hissed in pain, but the low temperature of his member helped soothe me quickly. He pressed his face into my neck, and I felt the cold air of his breath against my skin. My heartbeat, which was already racing, jolted in surprise, and I hoped he would blame that on the current situation. I drifted my fingers over his back again in an attempt to calm him if he was becoming overwhelmed. My nails traced over his marble skin. I felt his muscles relax infinitesimally.

"Everything is fine," I whispered into his ear.

He nodded quickly, and I felt his hips lift over my own, eliciting a small groan from me. He then lowered his hips once again, and I realized he was trying to set a rhythm. My folds were so slick, he slid back in with ease. I noticed his expression, eyes still glowing with excitement but preoccupied with extreme concentration. As he moved, I realized at his angle he was hitting some spot that caused me to let out a small, breathy moan each time he hit it. I shut my eyes as they rolled back into my head. I let my head fall back on the pillow, exposing my neck to him in a way that probably was dangerous. I didn't care. I felt too wonderful to care.

Edward moved one hand to grip my waist and one hand to presumably grip the headboard. I heard the smallest cracking sound from above me, and I opened my eyes to see his knuckles moving as he gripped onto it. I looked to his face to see his eyes clenched shut in concentration, but we both suddenly moaned as he thrust and my walls briefly clenched around him. I was amazed at my body's responsiveness to him. Every warning and concern I'd ever heard about the girl's first time always being lackluster was immediately thrown out the window. Clearly, they had never had sex with a vampire. A vampire that I adored with every ounce of my soul.

He lowered his head and kissed me passionately. His hand moved from my waist to grip my neck, moving his thumb to stroke my jaw. His lips then dragged wet kisses down my throat and chest, spreading a trail of icy fire. I was amazed by his ability to move as he maintained his rhythm.

His eyes were still so intent, but his expression of pleasure was literally awe-inspiring. He looked more godly than anyone had the authority to, with his mouth open as he exhaled sharply with each thrust. He let out a groan, his eyes shutting and his hands tightening.

He looked _magnificent_.

As he continued thrusting, I found it difficult to keep myself from slipping into a euphoria induced state, my eyes shut and my focus solely on the feeling between my legs. My heart beat so loudly, it had to be all he could hear, even over my breathy gasps. Each thrust led to another surge of pleasure between my legs combined with the feeling of total warmth that covered. His cold body was nothing against how ridiculously _hot_ I felt, warm and glowing beneath him as he and I joined in the most intimate way.

That same feeling that I had when Edward went down on me began to build again. This time, it stemmed from a different location. The heat was maddening, and I was suddenly climbing up that hill again. In Edward's interest, who seemed lost in his own concentration, I figured I should alert him.

"Ed—ward," I spoke, my word split by a gasp from his thrust. "It's happening soon."

He nodded and almost seemed relieved. He opened his eyes and looked at me, but didn't speak. I tossed my head back again as his member hit that special spot again, and I turned to moan into the pillow again. This was a much slower build.

Edward's hand slowly dragged down my body, gripping my waist again. He repositioned himself and I cried out loudly as he hit a new spot that I never thought would feel so mind-blowingly fantastic.

"Edward…." I moaned. "Oh, _god_..."

The heat built again and that same firecracker feeling went off between my legs, only this time I could feel my walls clenching around him. I heard myself moaning loudly, but I couldn't focus. Edward's speed increased until he stopped. His hand gripped the left side of my waist and I felt his fingers shake, but I was too high from my orgasm to notice anything but absolute bliss. I felt like my body had turned to molten lava, slowly dripping with hot, burning pleasure. My limbs were loose, but I remembered my body when his mouth collided with my own. His hips jolted and I felt the new, odd sensation of his semen shooting into me. He groaned, removing his lips and pressing his face into my neck, pulling us closer together when we were already so impossibly joined. The sensation was divine, his chill mixed with my overwhelming heat as we joined in the most intimate way.

Sound, which I hadn't even realized had evaporated, slowly returned to me. I was gasping in the most embarrassing of ways. He was… _purring_. The vibrations went through my whole body, creating a pleasant stimulation around his member. My body felt like it had been turned into rubber, with all my joints loose and springy. There was also an extreme electricity that buzzed throughout me, which was actually incredibly similar to the sensation that transpired between Edward and I when we touched. It was like that had been injected into my bloodstream, making me electrified all over.

Edward nearly collapsed, dropping his weight down onto his free hand. He lifted himself to pull out of me, but I slid my hand down to grip his ass. I knew nothing would stop him if he really want to move, but I think the shock of my touch stilled his movement.

"Don't leave…please." It took so much for us to get this far, I didn't want him to leave me yet. His member had softened, but still felt firm and cold inside of me. My walls wrapped around it snugly.

He nodded, still looking incredibly blissed out, and then held me to him as he rolled over so I laid on top of him. The change in air exposure made me realize how sweaty I was, and I pressed myself closer to his cold body, wrapping an arm around his waist. My breasts pressed against him and my already hard nipples somehow pebbled further against his chest and I hated how even that moderately tame action still made me feel so excited, the context of the situation still utterly enthralling. His member stayed inside me and we truly were two halves of a whole. I typically would have rolled my eyes at the cheesiness of the thought, but I couldn't be bothered. I was just too _happy_.

My heart fluttered in my chest, still beating wildly in reaction to what had just occurred. We had joined so perfectly. How could it possibly have been better than what I had expected? It was the opposite of a let-down—his prowess was better than I was capable of imagining. I wished I could purr with him to express my absolute adoration towards him. Instead, I kissed him again, not even entirely sure what I was touching. It ended up being his sternum. I conveniently turned my head and rested it on his chest. My ear was placed against his silent heart, something that still slightly disturbed me to hear. He distracted me from it when he chuckled above me.

I tilted my head back to look at him and my lids proved to be heavy. My exhaustion was sudden and overwhelming and I wanted nothing more than to sleep. I now understood why you waited to have sex until nighttime.

Edward looked…blissful. His head looked up to the ceiling, but my gaze pulled him back down to earth. His smile was stupid and wide and crooked and absolutely heart-melting. A flash of mixed gratitude and love ran through me, nearly incapacitating me. His fingertips began to graze themselves up and down my back, something that he knew would cause me to melt in a matter of seconds. Pleasant chills broke out over my skin and I pulled myself closer to him. He was cold but I was still _so_ hot. It felt wonderful.

"Thank you," I whispered, overcome with my devotion. I raised my face and he met me halfway, our lips touchings once again. The passion was subdued, instead replaced with seemingly-mutual adoration.

He smiled his stupidly goofy grin, something even his vampiric perfection had never managed to burn away. It only came out in moments of total trust and love, and it filled me with butterflies to realize that I had brought it out of him. He moved his lips to kiss my forehead. "Thank _you_...Happy Birthday."

x

I woke up momentarily confused, expecting to see the dim light of morning peeking through my window before school. When I saw the trees gently rustling in the breeze through the familiar windows of the Cullen residence, the memories of the evening flooded back to me. Naturally, my face began burning against Edward's cool chest.

I shut my eyes again, seeing the night play back in my brain. I turned my head and buried it into Edward's chest, pulling the plush blanket he had wrapped around me over my head. He had to have pulled it from the end of the bed at some point in the night. Otherwise, we didn't seem to have moved since nighttime. We were still sprawled across the middle of the giant bed. I still felt him between my legs, but he had pulled out by that point. I could feel...something touching my hips and the thought made my stomach jump. Even after our coupling, it still baffled me that we were in such a risque entanglement. Just the concept of him naked beneath me made me blush once again. I don't think I could ever get used to something so foreign for us. "Good morning." My voice was muffled from the blanket.

I expected a chuckle or just a slight movement to indicate that he knew that I was awake. A stroke on my back, a snide comment. Something or anything that would make things feel normal. The situation wasn't...awkward, per se. Rather, it was just completely unfamiliar waters for me. I had never had to deal with post-coital conversation.

However, he stayed still as a statue. The tension between us grew thicker and thicker as the seconds passed. I felt his chest move up and down with his breathing, but there were no other movements.

I lifted my head and turned to look at his face. As I slept on his chest often, I was surprised when I didn't see him propped up against the headboard, as per the Edward usual. Rather, we were both lying amongst the pillows. He was awake, obviously, but looked like he was sleeping fitfully. His head was resting on the pillow with his eyes shut and brow furrowed. I wanted to kiss the worry away.

"Edward?" I asked, placing a hand on his chest, lightly tapping my fingers on his hard sternum. I lowered my head to his body again and looked up at him. _Open your eyes, you insomniac vampire..._

He stayed still, but I saw his lips press together infinitesimally. He finally licked his lips and opened his mouth to speak.

"Bella—" he started, but it cut off abruptly. I lifted my head again and moved to sit up and look at him in concern. He finally opened his eyes, but looked away when he saw me and... _winced_?

Ow. That was a blow to my already awful self-esteem.

He began again, opening his eyes. The emotion was unreadable. "Bella, you promised you would tell me if I hurt you," he said, his voice sounding irritated. The air grew still and uncomfortable. I looked at him, trying to comprehend what he meant.

What? What was he talking about? His words were a statement of fact, but they sounded like an accusation. Had he come up with some ludicrous story in the night? Had he misinterpreted my gasps of pleasure to be whimpers of pain? I recalled his totally exuberant expression as we both came down from our momentary high. We had kissed and giggled and everything had seemed totally fine.

"I did. And I kept that promise." I spoke flatly. "I didn't feel any pain, Edward. Obviously I'm alright. I think I'd notice if you had bitten me." I tried to laugh playfully, but he remained nonplussed. What was he getting at?

He raised an eyebrow at me, but otherwise his expression remained neutral. "Really? You're going to lie to me now when there's physical proof." He looked away from me towards the windows. He shook his head. "Bella…please look at yourself." His voice became soft and wavered a little.

I looked away from him in confusion. Had he bruised me a little? That happened even with human couples. To investigate his claims, I looked down at myself, lifting the blanket.

"Oh…" I whispered.

My body was a smattering of blue, purple, and yellow blossoms, all varying in intensity.

"Oh," he repeated coldly.

The bandage on my arm had fallen off at some point, and my macabre stitches didn't help it all. They only contributed to the horror that was my body. I had completely forgotten it in the night, the pain masked by the circumstances. My chest was a nightmare. My nipples were purple and my areolas were surrounded by fingertip shaped bruises extending out to the edges of my breasts. The right side of my waist was the worst, dark blue and purple from his grip during his orgasm. It almost looked like a bruise from a broken bone, but I felt no pain…yet. I could clearly see the lines of fingers wrapped around me. My hips were also dotted with fingerprints from him holding me down. I didn't even want to imagine my face. His kisses had been rough at times, and if the simplest touches were marking me up….

Ever so lightly, he lifted my right arm from my side. It too was marred with several bruises and he placed his hand right over the marks. Fingerprint for fingerprint, his large hand matched the bruise.

My throat felt suddenly swollen.

In the moment, I had felt none of this. It came across as the simple movements of sex. People became overwhelmed and held on too tight. None of this was out of the ordinary. None of it had hurt...then. But now, I did feel the soreness. It was dull, but I knew I would feel it when I moved. It would only get worse as the day went on.

He was right. He _had_ hurt me.

But...it would be bearable. It was worth it in the end. Hadn't he been worried about killing me? This was nothing in comparison.

I turned back to him to see him staring at me, his eyes roaming over his mess. His face was strangely blank, but I knew Edward all too well. In his over a decade of living, he had learned exactly how to disguise his expressions on the surface; however, his eyes would always tell the truth. His golden eyes were burning with an intensity I had only seen when we had realized James's risk to my life. That same hatred filled his eyes as he looked at my body. I looked away before I felt nausea. I didn't want to think too much about what that expression meant.

I attempted to rationalize. "I didn't even feel it, Edward" I began. "Really, this is nothing. It could have been much wor—"

" _Enough_." He cut me off. His tone was harsh and a complete 180 from where he had been last night. I mourned the loss of my carefree Edward, still happy after the magic that had transpired between us.

My mouth closed quickly and tears sprang to my eyes. I hadn't felt this kind of rejection in a long time.

"It was a mistake, Bella." He muttered the words quickly, his face a mask. I thought I detected a touch of shame or perhaps regret, but it was quickly out of my sight as he closed the only gate to his true emotions by shutting his eyes.

I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. "A…m-mistake?"

What had been his words last night? How could he have gone from so happy to so regretful in the hours that I had slept? I regretted letting myself fall asleep so quickly. Perhaps, if I had stayed awake with him, I could have kept his thoughts from going down this path.

My stomach clenched itself into a pit of despair and I struggled not to tear up. I couldn't help myself when the tears sprung up. The briefest hint of sob came out, but I swallowed it down so only an uncomfortable squeak came through. I quickly looked away from Edward, but his eyes were too fast. He had to have seen the tears glistening in my eyes. I reached up with my right hand and wiped them away.

I expected some sort of consolation, perhaps an apology for my tears. He had always told me how much it hurt him to see me cry.

"We both knew it was dangerous. It shouldn't have happened." He shocked me by pushing my shoulders up. His touch was so light I barely felt it, but the shock made me move quickly in response, sitting up quickly and exposing myself in my eagerness. The action was stupid, as it only led to a full-body wince that he obviously saw. My mouth unconsciously twisted in pain as my waist injury made itself clear. He did not miss the expression.

His eyes, which had previously been somewhat subdued, dropped to look down at my bare body. I blushed and he could once again see it's entirety, but this time he did not seem to enjoy what he saw. How could he? The red looked disgusting underneath the bruises and marks that dusted my chest and probably my throat and face. Instead, his eyes suddenly grew to express a hatred that was crippling. Agony and disgust blazed in his eyes, hot and golden and near-impossible to witness. I could not longer breathe underneath his glare that was directed solely at my damaged, fragile, and weak body. I couldn't bring myself to pull the blanket around me, too horrified and disgusted with myself to attempt any sense of rational self-preservation.

His eyes lifted slowly, looking out towards the window to the right of the bed. The storm in them calmed again, reaching some blank glare that made me want to scream in frustration. A tear slipped down my cheek.

He stood suddenly and walked to the bathroom—to do God knows what—and shut the door.

I stared after him in shock. As the shower cut on, the sobs came loose.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: The breakup part is so short because it's essentially identical to NM, save for those pesky wolves. Also, a certain someone shows up here. Don't worry, he is NOT a protagonist in this story.**

 **Summary: "He was my only…anything. Only kiss, only touch, only…fuck. I couldn't call it anything other than a fuck, because anything else hurt too much. He said it was a mistake, and making love isn't a mistake. Fucking is a mistake. Nonetheless, babies come from fucking. And my body was carrying a…baby." Bella awakens with a bit more clarity after her breakup-induced depressed stupor. With a biologically impossible situation at hand, Bella must find her way back to the Cullens and solve the problem that no normal teenage girl is fit to handle. New Moon AU, BxE.**

 **Disclaimer:** **I don't own Twilight. Rated M for sexual content, mention of self-harm, adult themes, and adult language.**

* * *

 **Chapter 3**

I had stifled my sobs into my hand, praying his advanced hearing couldn't hear the pathetic sounds over the sounds of his shower. I sat alone in the unfamiliar room, naked and wrapped up in the blanket. After a few moments, I began to cry into the blanket as well, hoping that was a better muffling tool.

I had never felt so unwelcome in the Cullen house.

After he came out of the bathroom, looking noticeably more put together, he offered me a shower. He completely ignored my puffy eyes and red face. I had nodded absentmindedly, my mind focusing too much on not crumbling to dust in front of him to even consider grabbing my clothes or even asking for a towel. I continued to weep as I bathed, sobbing silently and into my hand when the sound broke through. I kept looking at the bruises, wondering if they were an indication of his love or just the moment. I looked in the mirror afterwards to see a faint purple bruise across my cheek and red hickeys down my throat. The sight almost made me scream out another pathetic sob, my stupid emotions going wild. It took several calming breaths to get my mind clear again. I would need to apply some of the makeup that Alice gave me for my nights out with Edward.

When I emerged from the shower, I noted a pile of clothes on the edge of the countertop nearest to the door. Not even thirty minutes later, I left dressed in a pair of his sweatpants and one of his t-shirts. The action typically would have seemed cute, but it was out of necessity. My dress and underwear apparently had been too damaged for me to wear again—he did not elaborate, but I guessed he had indeed broken the zipper. I awkwardly grabbed my bra off the floor and shoved it into the waistband of his sweatpants, which were incredibly roomy on me. I refused to allow myself to indulge in the scent. The car ride was intensely uncomfortable. I was fighting back tears the whole time. Walking was…painful. There was a sharp shooting pain in the apex of my thighs and I was sore all over. I had thought I would be reveling in this intimate pain, but instead of it was a horrid reminder of his reaction. I concealed my winces as I walked, but Edward kept looking at me like I was about to shatter. Class had been in session for two periods by the time I got home, so school was a no go for the day. I really just wanted to lay in the bed with him. I kissed him on the lips as he dropped me off and asked him to come in, my voice shaking weakingly, but he said he had to go deal with Jasper. Alice had texted him that they would be home within the hour. He had run to Williams Lake, nearly halfway through British Columbia, before turning around with Alice.

I let him go.

It was only the next day when he asked to follow him on a walk into the woods. From there, he told me they were leaving…without me. What had happened between us made him realize that he wanted more, I wasn't right for him.

My worst fear had been realized. I never was enough for him.

In a blink, he was gone. I could see his blur disappearing as I reached for him, suddenly shadowing away like a morning mist. I followed him in the woods, walking for miles despite the pain of my almost-fresh bruises. I stupidly followed the trail, even though I knew it would never lead to him. I eventually crumbled. That night I slept in the woods. Not even the rain pouring on my face that night was enough to wake me from my fog. I think I caught the cold that night.

I spent the next day wandering in the rain, realizing that I maybe hadn't followed the trail as closely as I thought. My head was spinning, but the chill of my body didn't register. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered anyways. I was nothing without his glow to light my life. I felt dark. I couldn't even think about what his words meant. I just needed to find him.

I don't remember what I did between the shine of the morning and the pitch of night, but I eventually stumbled upon a family camping in the woods, sheltered from the rain underneath the awning of their RV. I had walked all the way into the Olympic National Park. After the fact, I registered their screams as they saw me, pale, blue, and shaking from the cold as I emerged from the darkness. I didn't speak to them, but they eventually must have assessed that I wasn't a threat. Far from it, actually. I didn't realize how dehydrated and hungry I was until they gave me a water bottle and a sandwich. I hadn't even felt it. I still didn't feel the sickness, but I couldn't control the shaking of my body. The skin of my lips was coming off in flakes.

They brought me to the closest ranger station and before I knew it, Charlie was ushering me to the hospital in an ambulance. They ID'd me from my license in my pocket. I was 30 miles away from home.

I still didn't register the hypothermia, and started screaming when they started taking off my clothes. Some innate urge to protect myself took over and I had to be subdued by several orderlies. I heard them discussing my bruises, but I don't think they ever thought anything else of it because nobody spoke to me about them again. Maybe it looked like I took a tumble down a hill.

When I woke up, I was wrapped in a cocoon of blankets, with enough space for my head to stick out into the emergency room. They spoke to me, shining bright lights in my eyes and pressing the cold stethoscope to my chest over and over again. I couldn't bring myself to speak. I just wanted to go back to sleep. Sweet, empty sleep.

I stayed for one extra night while they kept my temperature in check. My vitals were all wonky, something wrong with my heart. I didn't find it too weird, since I physically couldn't feel it. They eventually deemed it normal and sent me home. I had been diagnosed with shock and hypothermia, but I could tell Charlie couldn't take my silence much longer. Not that I even cared then.

Charlie tried to speaking to me in the car. In the house. He gave me more food, and I ate it. He gave me water, and I drank it. He brought me upstairs and laid me down, covered me with my blanket.

I didn't sleep until I eventually passed out from exhaustion. I didn't think, I just stared. My eyes traced the warped wood of my bedroom floor countless times, seeing no meaning in their shapes.

The next day, Charlie came into my room. I was awake, but I didn't come downstairs. He forced me downstairs again and made me food. I ate it, tasting nothing. He tried to talk to me, I couldn't respond. He began yelling and pulling on his hair in frustration, but I didn't hear him. Only when I saw him cry did I react, reaching out my hand. He called Doctor Gerandy again after that.

Doctor Gerandy was more of a family physician, and they called in a psychiatrist after his visit, I think. Some guy from Port Angeles with a big nose and cold stethoscope. He had to have been a specialist for him to come all to way to our home instead of us going to his office. He diagnosed me with catatonia, but didn't give me any meds on that first visit. I don't think this made a difference since I never left the house.

The moments between the immediate aftermath of my disappearance and the current timeframe were an absolute blur. I knew I had been going to school, coming home, and doing it all over again, but the individual moments were lost. It all felt the same, as if the moments had been blurred and smeared by the rain. My will over my body was all but gone.

Things cleared up a little in the end of October. Was it…two weeks ago? Renée came. She came in my room and hugged me, I hugged her back out of instinct. When I was laying the bed, she laid with me. That was the closest I've felt to being here in a while…until now, of course.

The next morning, I woke up to the sound of a dish hitting the kitchen floor, right beneath me. I came downstairs, seeing Renée wielding a glass cup as weapon as she and Charlie argued about me. In retrospect, that image sounds absolutely shocking, but I only remember that I went back upstairs. I woke up again later to hear them say that I was going to Jacksonville.

I don't remember my response, but the next day Renée kissed my cheek goodbye and drove away. She left me a letter on my desk, that I have still yet to open, and several photos and stuffed animals. I guess I wasn't going to Florida. I don't remember what happened that would have changed her mind.

I took a week off from school after my incident, but I had been going after that. I didn't remember anything, nor did I speak to anyone. I would come home seemingly minutes after I left that morning. Charlie congratulated me on my good grades when I received my report card, but for the first time in a month, I had felt something other than nothing: confusion. I hadn't picked up a book at home in weeks, yet I had perfect grades. Some switch had to click on in that building.

I had been sick recently, throwing up almost every morning. However, that wasn't strange considering I once woke up on the laundry room floor, using clothes as blankets and pillows. I had been moving on autopilot, and maybe my body wasn't making the right decisions sometimes. Drinking the sour milk instead of checking the expiration date. Eating too much, eating too little. I was trying to do everything right without any conscious thought behind it. I only took the pregnancy test after noticing that I hadn't touched a tampon in two months. I kept five in a glass container in the bathroom on the shelf in front of the toilet. The number of blue wrappers never changed. That slight disturbance in routine—or lack thereof—was enough to wake me up and send me running to the Safeway instead of going to school. The cashier, a pimply college student, paid no mind to my purchase of milk, eggs, cheese, paper cups, and three pregnancy tests.

There was always the chance that my test was a dud. I had two more tests and a stack of paper cups waiting on the counter for me. But it felt right. I met all the goddamn symptoms.

But it made no fucking sense.

He wasn't human. He had told me that he lost the ability to procreate when he became a vampire, briefly skimming over Rosalie's desire for a child. It made sense. How could his body produce viable sperm almost one hundred years later? Was it like a sperm bank, where it was preserved? Was he just wrong about his biology?

For one brief moment, I considered that I had been given a holy gift.

He was my only…anything. Only kiss, only touch, only…fuck. I couldn't call it anything other than a fuck, because anything else hurt too much. He said it was a mistake, and making love isn't a mistake. Fucking is a mistake. Nonetheless, babies come from fucking. And my body was carrying a… _baby_.

His baby.

The thought made my head spin and I dunked my head under the scalding water to bring me to my senses again.

 _What the fuck. What the fuck do I do?_

I had never felt so out of control of my own life. This was never, ever, ever, ever supposed to happen. Not with him, not with _anyone_. I had always hated kids. I had always said that I'd probably want them later in life, when every woman feels the call of nature to pop out a couple. But I never wanted one with my vampire ex-boyfriend at eighteen years old. Especially when he was completely untraceable.

I suddenly felt a time limit, a ticking clock. It seemed so silly compared to when I was worried about turning eighteen. I had no deadlines, nothing but the imaginary time restraint I gave myself. How foolish I'd been. Now, my body was on a countdown to sudden implosion. Seven months.

I was two months in, right? September 13th to November 6th. Yes, that's about right. I jolted myself as I felt my abdomen, something completely forgotten to me. The times when I had worried how my body looked were long gone. My hands gripped my nonexistent belly, feeling the flat plane. I didn't feel anything. I had become so thin, I wondered how you couldn't see the outline of a tiny fetus through my skin.

Nausea rolled over me again. I pressed my lips shut and squirmed to sit up and get out of the tub. Dripping wet and nude, I threw up once more—this time out of shock. I coughed pathetically, clearing my airway. Tears blurred my vision as I stood, hastily toweling myself off and dressing again without a glance in the mirror.

 _What do I do?_

 _Fuck._

 _WHAT do I do?_

There was absolutely no one to tell. My mind flashed to Alice, but she was gone. My shrunken heart ached when I realized she had foreseen this and didn't tell me or try to stop us. Did they really care so little for me?

What about his child?

That got me. The Cullens were methodical. When they moved, there wasn't a trace left behind. He had explained it to me. Files burned and replaced. IDs destroyed. House emptied. The only thing they couldn't eradicate were their memories. Alice wouldn't dare risk their lives by keeping a secret like this. Carlisle was a good man. There was no way he would allow me to carry… _his_ child inside me without checking in on me.

Something was wrong.

x

My truck thundered in the quiet forest as I turned off my engine. Several birds flew from the trees above, cawing menacingly. When the Cullens lived here, the woods had possessed a certain magical spirit. Now, they felt hollow. Who would have ever thought that vampires could bring life to a place?

The house looked the same, the white paint stark against the ancient towering trees that surrounded it. However, like the forest, the house felt haunted. I felt the not so distant memories of the Cullens and the time I had spent there. I half expected Alice to flit down from the balcony off of her and Jasper's bedroom.

A sudden wave of sorrow overtook me. I unconsciously dropped to my knees, pressing my hands to the earth to keep myself from topping over. The hole in my chest opened, and I felt my raw wound sting once more. Tears sprung to my eyes, and I bit down a sob.

I was so goddamn _weak_.

After a few moments to compose myself, I stood shakily. I had eaten two granola bars before I left, but the energy still hadn't registered in my system.

It took a moment of encouraging myself to take the first step towards the house. I knew the Cullens did not leave anything, but I had to check. They were master disappearing artists, meaning that their disappearances were believable. Couldn't they have left something, anything, that gave me an idea of their whereabouts?

The house was remarkably empty, absolutely nothing but sheets behind the glass windows. The sheet-covered furniture was reassuring though. They had been there. I could see the long couch of the living room, the empty bookshelves that once held ancient books and works of art. I had been here before, and it wasn't always like this.

It had to be real. They had to have been real. The woods there, once so welcoming, felt incredibly lonely. How could I have imagined the emotions that just the sight of the house evoked?

Looking at the pristine house, I found it impossible to believe that they would have ever left this behind. Hell, I had been obedient while they were here, but who's to say that I wouldn't blab my mouth to the press about my apparent vampire spawn?

The word "vampire" made me shudder, too close to thinking about the intimate memories he and I shared. That was what divided us. His nature, my incompetence.

Nonetheless, they were far too methodical. I could believe that…he wanted to move on. But Carlisle? Esme? Their concern was genuine. If they knew, I needed to know that they were going to leave me be.

If that were the case, I was in trouble.

x

As I stepped out of my truck the next morning, I felt incredibly out of place. I had physically been attending school for the past two months, but I hadn't been aware. The apparent shift in the universe made everything I had been blocking out all the more apparent.

The bricks of the school were too red, the trees next to the parking lot too green, the students too loud, the overcast sky a bruised periwinkle. I had a headache before I even got inside.

My eyes locked with Jessica Stanley's as I rounded the corner from my truck to the main door. She blinked at me, her dark eyes wide and confused. She faltered in her step before ducking her head and speaking into her phone, held tightly in her free hand. I stared at the ground blankly, wondering why I suddenly felt so goddamn embarrassed to look at her. She was the one who hadn't reached out to me in months.

Or maybe I just never answered.

It took me a moment to remember to navigate to first period. My body had done it a million times, yet I had to actively think about where I was going. I barely could recognize the location where I sat in the room.

As other students piled in, I noticed how everyone seemed to automatically avoid me. In my desk in the second to last row, two neighboring desks were empty and one was occupied by another student's backpack. I hadn't realized that no one had ever migrated into to our spots.

Apparently, the other students were registering my awake state as well. As I made eye contact with a girl across the room, she turned and whispered to her friend.

After months of concealing myself, did my pregnant state make me more obvious? Perhaps it only felt that way because I was the one paying attention after checking out for a few months. Redness flooded my cheeks and I ducked my head.

I realized belatedly that I had blushed for the first time in months.

x

I stood at the end of the lunch line, looking over the cafeteria.

Where had I been sitting?

The room was frighteningly loud, filled with the roar of inane chatter and the clinking of utensils and trays against the metal bars of the lunch line. As a student, paid for their meal behind me, the ring of the cash register made me jump.

I stepped away from the register kiosks, noticing that I was blocking other students. Unlike in first period, it felt like no one was seeing me. I guess I had done a pretty good job of ensuring that. I didn't remember dressing myself much, but I somehow had ended up with nothing but jeans, sweats, and t-shirts in my laundry. I had unconsciously been camouflaging myself into the dull background of Forks High. Even this morning, I fell into old habit, getting ready and dressing myself before I even noticed that I really was awake. It seemed odd for something so normal and natural to need to be noticed, but otherwise I could easily go back to how I was.

As I scanned the lunch room, I suddenly remembered where I had been sitting. Shit.

Did I actually sit at their table? Alone?

I blushed again, reacquainting myself with my trademark flush of color. How embarrassing.

A few tables away, I saw Angela and Ben, with Mike and Jessica a few seats down. Their friends, people who had once been relevant to me, sat dispersed around them. However, there was an open seat right between Angela and Jessica. Despite our awkward encounter this morning, I'd be damned if I let that discourage me.

I walked with a purpose, determined to sit somewhere in this godforsaken cafeteria that didn't make me look like a wounded bird. My fervor ended up being too intense, since I accidentally slammed my tray onto the table, garnering the looks of my used-to-be-friends.

Lauren Mallory, who I had forgotten existed until that very moment, shot me the dirtiest, most disgusted look. Jessica and Mike looked positively dumbfounded, Jessica's fingers paused over the keyboard of her phone. Thankfully, Angela was the only one who looked happy to see me. Acceptance radiated from her eyes.

I looked down at my tray, wishing that I could become my sandwich. I felt most of everyone's eyes leave me, save for the people around me. I looked up when I felt it was safe.

Angela was softly smiling at me, her eyes earnest. "Welcome back."

I oddly felt the urge to cry. Angela was such a genuinely kind person that sometimes you could think that the world would turn out all right. I whispered, "Thank you."

x

After school, I took a deep breath. The day had strangely felt like my first day at Forks High, and hopefully the following ones would be better.

 _Right. Until your womb inflates and you become the town's laughing stock. Or maybe your baby will eat its way out of you and you'll become a local legend!_

I shook the thoughts from my head and tried to keep my mind free of stressful thinking until I was away from the school. I needed to make a plan of some sorts and not just live in denial until I finally had to figure out what was inside of me.

Unfortunately, Forks's incredibly small surface area and lack of resources gave me very few options on where I could go to think. We had no parks that weren't primarily forests, and I wasn't about to try that again. I had spent enough time in my room in the past months that I didn't even want to try that. Charlie would be working late tonight, but I still felt that the house was filled with too many negative memories. Even just laying out in the backyard would remind me of those innocent early days….

I climbed into the cab of my truck and began to drive aimlessly. There had to be somewhere in Forks that I could think, undisturbed and totally not ruined by bad memories.

As I reached the edge of town, I realized exactly where I needed to go.

I hadn't been to La Push in months. The last time I had gone was to whale watch with Angela over the summer, where we had stayed for a couple hours before she wanted to go on this trail off the beach. We hiked up the hill, up onto the cliffs where we threw bread crusts to birds for a while and talked about deep shit. She'd needed to get back to help her mom cook dinner, so we left. I had almost totally forgotten the memory, lost in a summer full of now-painful thoughts.

I parked in the small lot next to the trail. I made sure to keep the cell phone that Charlie had bought me in my pocket. I couldn't possibly risk another incident where I ended up in the hospital. Not that I had too much concern for myself, but how was I to possibly explain the results of any medical test?

I reached the precipice of the trail quickly, almost forcing myself to be entirely still before I could begin my thinking. When I got to the opening of the trail, I could see that the sun had begun its descent. The day was overcast, but the bright orange rays peeked through the edge of the horizon, making the rough waves below look as if they were embedded with embers. I sat a few feet from the edge, on a flat pane of rock.

 _So…._

I had to think of my situation logically. Eighteen years old, totally alone save for a father who was in the dark, and pregnant with the vampire spawn of an immortal man, who was nowhere to be seen. Any people who could possibly know what to do were naturally MIA as well. The process of tracking down the Cullens with the little information I had would take the rest of my lifetime. In fact, with their vampire senses, they'd probably make sure I would never see them again.

I couldn't think too deeply about my sudden abandonment by the family I thought had welcomed me so openly. I had known it was too good to be true. The worst pain, other than that caused by him, probably came from Alice. She was my only true confidant, someone who I could treat both as a friend and as someone who knew all the secrets that I had to keep. Angela, while as angelic as her name would indicate, could never know the truth about my relationship and all that I knew. Even if I wanted her to know, I would be putting her life at great risk.

Alice's departure could have been manageable if she had at least had the ability to say goodbye to me. His goodbye was understandably short, since he clearly didn't want to be around me anymore. But Alice? Maybe I had thought we were better friends than we were. Maybe it was me falling for that infamous vampire charm that I'd been warned of countless times before I immersed myself in a vampire clan.

I had to stifle a lonely laugh. "Vampire charm". He had warned me that it was always designed to pull us stupid humans in. Make us easy prey that was putty in their super strong hands. Look at me know, the product of a Catholic horror story, successfully enticed by a demon and carrying Satan Jr.

I flinched when I realized the direction my thoughts had taken. My brain was skirting round and round the events of the past year, bringing me painfully close to the memories that would rip me open once again. I had gotten so used to the pain in my monotony, experiencing it while awake was absolute agony. The hole had once been dull, a gradual pulling. When awake, the wound felt raw and ever-opening by the blade of a serrated knife.

My hand fell to my flat womb, seeking the bulge I knew would eventually grow. My thumb ever so slowly began to trace circles. Did I dare feel a bond with the unborn child?

My child was mine, undoubtedly, but this situation seemed highly unusual. They had never warned me, but to be fair, our relationship was never overtly sexual. In fact, we were only ever even remotely sexual for about fifteen minutes. The only people that could have known were me, him, and possibly Alice.

The baby didn't seem too unusual. All of my symptoms seemed totally commonplace. Maybe it wasn't a vampire child….

Before my mind could begin that train of thought, I quickly shut it down. The chances that I had been unknowingly raped in the same time span were ridiculous. I may have been out of it, but not _that_ out of it. Similarly, if I had been in any situation where I'd have sex again, I couldn't imagine any suitors I would have enticed.

Maybe this kind of stuff was normal. Just as regular as human pregnancy…I shook the thought away. Our relationship had been very abnormal, or so he had said. I had to agree, considering how few vegetarian clans the Cullens said there were. And the Denali clan were all women, to my knowledge.

I dropped my head, feeling defeated with myself. I was utterly clueless.

"Bella?!" a voice shouted behind me.

I nearly jumped to a standing position, but managed to just turn quickly in shock. How could someone have possibly found me here? I cursed myself when I realized I probably had the most distinct vehicle in the tri-county area.

A man stood behind me, illuminated by the faint light of the sunset. I initially only took notice of his build, extremely muscular and tall. He had a large black tattoo on his right bicep. His russet skin and closely cropped black hair hinted to his Native American ancestry. It was only when I looked at his face that I recognized the man—sixteen year old _boy_ Jacob Black.

"Jacob?" My jaw nearly dropped. I hadn't seen him since the summer, at one of Charlie and Billy's victory dinners where we ate the fruits of their efforts. He had of course been tall, but with a lanky frame and hair nearly as long as mine. I had never imagined he would make himself look like this.

He smiled widely at me, coming towards me for a hug. I stood quickly, reaching out for him. When we made contact, I nearly recoiled at his incredible warmth. He felt like he should be feverish, yet he looked totally healthy.

As we pulled back, I noticed his nose wrinkled, almost as if he smelled something funny. His eyes raked over my form, and I suddenly felt timid. Whereas Jacob had practically progressed five years in the time since I had seen him, I had been withering away. I had lost nearly fifteen pounds since September, and my sallow skin and the purple bruises under my eyes made me look ill. However, he shook his head a little and smiled at me once more. "I am so happy to see you." He looked at me with a strange expectancy in his eyes. He leaned towards me. "Aren't you happy to see me?" He raised his left eyebrow as he spoke.

His expression and eager tone almost made me uncomfortable. He looked like he was looking for some reaction. I noticed how flexed his muscles were. Perhaps I was seeing them. To avoid the discomfort, I generated some fake enthusiasm. "Of course, Jacob."

He decided to ignore his obvious awkward blunder and move forward with the conversation. "Where have you been?!"

Jacob was either granting me the ultimate kindness and glossing over all of the information that Billy surely had heard from Charlie, or he somehow had been living in blissful ignorance. It was likely the former. I decided to go along with the charade.

"Oh, you know, just at home. Been in a bit of a rough spot." That was an understatement. "Tell me, what happened to _you_?" I gestured to his physique. "Why did you cut off your hair?"

A faraway look appeared in Jacob's eyes. "Just good genes, I guess. Been eating a lot of steak. And it was getting in the way when I worked in the shop."

"The shop" had to be Jacob's garage, where last I had heard, he was working on a disaster of a Rabbit. He had slowly been gathering the parts. The Blacks were not a wealthy family, with Jacob's mother gone and Billy out of work in his wheelchair, and I knew that it was taking all he had to put together a car.

I nodded. "You finished with the Rabbit yet?"

He laughed. "I think I'm doomed to work on that thing for all of eternity. I can't find any compatible engine parts. The rest is good. It _looks_ finished." He laughed before he looked off into the horizon again, wrinkling his nose. He looked back at me, an almost confused expression on his face.

I cocked my head to the side. "What is it?"

He shook his head again, almost like he was getting water from his ears. He closed his eyes before speaking, nearly forcing the words out through his oddly stiff lips. Was he getting… _angry_? "I thought you and that Cullen kid had broken up."

The world suddenly became very small, my vision narrowing as my brain nearly imploded. I inhaled sharply. _Why was he asking about him?_

I pressed my lips together as I pondered what to say, trying to think of a response that would ultimately lead to path where I wasn't have an anxiety attack in front of a family friend.

What possibly had tipped Jacob off to ask this kind of question? Could he just sense my absolute terror at my current predicament? Unlikely. This was completely off-topic and nowhere relevant to our inane small talk that I was missing more and more by the second.

"Um…yeah. We did." I swallowed thickly. "Why do you ask?"

He looked confused and almost irritated, oddly enough. His expression was slowly starting to bother me. He didn't know me _that_ well. Why did he look so offended? It wasn't like we were extremely close. "Well, are you guys just seeing each other or something?"

That stung. We were the farthest thing from seeing each other, to be truthful. "No, Jacob. The Cullens—" I refused to speak his name. Just the last name was hard enough. "—moved to Los Angeles. I haven't seen any of them in months." My tone became more terse as I spoke, completely unprepared to discuss this sensitive topic in front of Jacob Black, of all people. His odd suspicion made me uncomfortable, and I was nowhere near prepared for this attack.

He shook his head, muttering quietly to himself, "Then why…?"

I stared at him incredulously. What was he getting at?

"Jacob, what are you insinuating? I know you know exactly what's been going on with me. I hear Charlie talking to Billy and I know you aren't stupid! So, why are you asking these questions as if it wouldn't cause me a world of pain?" I crossed my arms, biting my lip to help keep a sudden influx of emotion at bay.

He looked at me, angrily as well. "Fine, Bella. Be a liar." He brushed past me, breathing loudly and walking quickly back down the trail. I heard a rustling of bushes, and then his footsteps disappeared.

I sat back on my heels, eyes wide. What on Earth was Jacob talking about and how had our conversation gone south so quickly?

I arrived back at my house, long after darkness had fallen. Anger was still settled in the pit of my stomach, simmering softly. Jacob had crossed a line that I never thought would need to be drawn. His questions were odd and unexpected. Quite frankly, I had no clue as to why he would even bring up the Cullens. Perhaps he was still wounded from my attempts at flirting with him, so long ago on the beach at La Push.

The distant memory was from a different time, even though it was just over six months ago. So much had changed since I had just tried to spend a day at the beach with my then-friends.

I went to the kitchen, throwing a turkey sandwich together quickly and grabbing an apple before heading upstairs. I wasn't normally the type to eat upstairs, but I wasn't in the mood to face Charlie. I needed to think again.

After eating, I paced back and forth in my room, my mind racing with possibilities. I noticed that I had unconsciously placed my hands over my stomach again, drumming them over my t-shirt as I thought. I dropped them to my side, biting my lip as I realized my actions.

The hours passed and I got ready for bed, my mind still racing. As I laid my head down to sleep, my plans were set.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Some important info is revealed in this chapter. Bella's been up to a whole lot more than she thinks.**

 **Summary: "He was my only…anything. Only kiss, only touch, only…fuck. I couldn't call it anything other than a fuck, because anything else hurt too much. He said it was a mistake, and making love isn't a mistake. Fucking is a mistake. Nonetheless, babies come from fucking. And my body was carrying a…baby." Bella awakens with a bit more clarity after her breakup-induced depressed stupor. With a biologically impossible situation at hand, Bella must find her way back to the Cullens and solve the problem that no normal teenage girl is fit to handle. New Moon AU, BxE.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Rated M for sexual content, mention of self-harm, adult themes, and adult language.**

* * *

 **Chapter 4**

I stood in the lobby of Forks Medical Center, tapping my nails anxiously against the curved armrest of my chair. I had asked to speak with Laura, a nurse that I knew worked frequently with Carlisle. She was my only hope.

The mousy receptionist eyed me, taking in my small frame. Fortunately, my poor appearance actually served some sort of advantage. I definitely looked like someone recovering from a stay at the hospital. However, I made sure not to look too desperately ill, not wanting to somehow find myself checked in. I even forced myself to come after school, making sure my story was foolproof. I sat in the waiting area, trying to not bite my nails and make myself look suspicious,

A round, forty-something nurse rounded the corner, eyes searching for someone: me. She was rather plump and dressed in heart dotted scrubs. I could see she was easily the kind to flock to Carlisle. She had glasses hanging from her neck. _Perfect_. If she had bad eyesight, she had to come near before she could realize I wasn't one of her patients,

"Angela?" she asked, glancing over the halfway full waiting area. A flush of shame overtook me. Angela had been Carlisle's patient over the summer for a persistent bronchitis. I felt terrible using her name, but she created the perfect ruse for me when the receptionist logged my visit into the system. We had similar appearances, save for Angela's glasses, and I definitely looked like I could be falling ill to bronchitis again.

"Hey, Nurse Laura!" I feigned enthusiasm, praying my nervousness didn't break through. The receptionist was tapping at her keyboard, disinterested. I let out a breath.

Laura sat down across me, seemingly believing that I was Angela. I hadn't expected that. Once she settled herself, she perched her glasses on her nose. A look of confusion came over her expression when she realized that we had never met before, and I definitely wasn't Angela Weber.

I held up my hand before speaking quietly. I swallowed before speaking, forcing as much confidence into my voice as possible. "I'm sorry, I know I'm not one of your patients. I just needed a cover to get you to speak to me. I needed a reasonable tie to you, otherwise you wouldn't have been able to come down. I was close with the Cullen family, specifically Alice, and I needed a way to contact Alice's father."

Laura's eyes lit up at the mention of Carlisle. I was sure her job had become a lot less interesting since his departure. I could see her in my mind, following him around with her clipboard, doodling love notes. Sounded familiar. "You knew Dr. Cullen well?" She seemed almost starstruck, as if she meeting someone who knew a celebrity. Her hands clasped together and she leaned forward in great interest. It almost came across as pathetic, but I knew all too well what constant exposure to Cullen could to do a seemingly respectable person.

I continued to lie. "Oh, absolutely. He and Mrs. Cullen were so kind to me when I would stay over with Alice. We were very close." I bit my cheek as an unexpected twang of heartbreak happened in my chest. _Just get through this._

Her expression darkened when I mentioned Esme. I made a mental note not to mention her again. "Oh, that sounds like him. So good with everyone, especially his patients. You should have seen him on the floor!" She threw her hand forward, as if she was doting upon a skilled dancer, not a small town doctor.

I had to grip the armrest tighter, struggling to keep up the pleasantries. I wanted nothing more to be crying in the cab of my truck. "Oh, I wish. Alice was very inspired by him…which reminds me." I leaned forward. "I need a favor."

Laura raised her penciled eyebrow over her glasses. She seemed to be taking the bait, but perhaps I had underestimated her. I would need to keep buttering her up.

"Dr. Cullen was so good with his children. Alice's brothers and sisters were all so studious and very kind. Alice, however…" I inhaled for dramatic effect. I had to resist a cringe as I dragged Alice's name through the mud. "…she was definitely doing good in school, _at first_ _._ "

Laura's eyes looked intensely curious. I was surprised she wasn't taking notes.

"But right before they left, she told me about this boy she was going to meet up in LA. He definitely was bad news, and it's eating me up that I haven't been able to warn Dr. Cullen. I was wondering if you could help me find a possible contact for them? I have Alice's number obviously." Ouch. "But I very well can't tell her to tell her dad that I'm worried about her." Nothing would incite a middle age woman to accidentally break the law more than scheme to morally curb someone. It also helped that her previous assigned doctor was inhumanly handsome.

"What can I do?" she learned forward, whispering conspiratorially. I smiled.

x

I nearly ran to the car, in a strange combination of satisfaction, excitement, and terror. Not to mention the unaddressed open wound in my chest that had been threatening to tear open at any moment as I sat in that waiting room. As I hopped into the cab, my response to the influx of emotion was to simply break down in tears. I'm not sure whether they were happy or sad. My time spent suppressing my emotions made it very difficult to understand what I was feeling.

Laura had disappeared into the depths of the hospital for a good fifteen minutes before returning empty handed, save for her clipboard. I nearly felt disappointed before she handed me a sheet, a completely random, blank patient pain survey, with words scribbled in the bottom corner. I didn't have time to read it before she spoke.

"Now, take this and give it to your parents. I don't think they'd appreciate you making visits on uninsured time."

I nodded, wide eyed. She had done it. She had found _something_. It was almost—actually, _entirely_ —too good to believe. I couldn't imagine the Cullens leaving something behind. That wasn't what they did.

In my heart, I knew it had to be a fake piece of information. Carlisle had been dodging these kinds of bullets for years, I'm sure he had a whole system set up. Still, I had to try.

I hastily wiped the tears from eyes on my jacket sleeve, pulling the slip of paper from my pocket in urgency. I unfolded it, pressing it against my steering wheel to read since I didn't trust my shaking hands to hold it.

 _Dr. Cullen left behind this number, for "specific emergencies". There was a whole footnote about it, but I'm assuming his daughter's health would count for that. Good luck and put a good word in for me!_

My heart sank. There was no way this number was real. It was just too easy. The Cullens were smarter than this. If a common nurse could get it, then any of their enemies could.

Tears continued to drop down my cheeks, salty and hot. I had no other ideas.

I drove back to Charlie's slowly. A crack of thunder surprised me at a stop light, making me jump in the cab and accidentally gun the gas. The truck sputtered loudly, and I struggled to get myself across the road before a car hit me. I felt like slapping myself. I was so damn stupid, in everything I did.

Seconds later, raindrops began to land on the rust-covered hood of my truck. It was another dumb metaphor for the depression that had fallen over my life. I drove home, the increasing intensity of the rainfall thundering in the cab. My eyes glanced to my radio, missing the sound of music. My heart nearly stopped when I realized I had failed to notice something quite obvious in my car.

Emmett had given me a modern stereo system for my birthday. It was black and sleek, and it had looked incredibly out of place for the one day I remembered driving with it in the truck.

It was gone.

How the fuck had I not noticed this giant hole where it once was? It was practically looking me in the eye with how painful the memory was.

Cut wires and jagged edges hung from the gaping square, totally vacant. Exposed wiring hung dangerously above my lap, and it had taken me months to even notice it. Who would have stolen it?

When I pulled into the driveway, I immediately turned off the car and leaned down to get a better look. The stereo was totally fucking empty, ripped out. The slightest sense of nausea came over me when I noticed small droplets of blood on the floor beneath it and the edges. Whoever took the stereo out of the car used their hands.

A memory, sudden and quick, appeared in my mind. Its edges were darkened and blurry, like a photograph lost in a thunderstorm.

 _My hands claw at the dashboard, my sobs filling the car in the pouring rain. The clock on the dash indicates that it's just past three AM. Blood dribbles down my fingers, nails breaking as I pull with all my might to remove the stereo. The pressure I'm putting on my fingertips forces blood through the small cuts I've made so far, smearing onto the device and dropping onto the floor. I laugh loudly as it pulls free, still tethered by its countless wires and cords. I blindly reach for my scissors, accidentally cutting my fingertip on the sharp blade. I disregard the feeling, along with the cuts, and move to cut the wires._

I had no memory of this.

My hands, sitting weakly on my lap, look innocent from a distance. As I raise my right hand towards my face, I see the near-invisible seals of several almost completely healed scars.

I walked into the house, flabbergasted with myself. How had I completely lost that memory? I would have had to had cut up fingers for days, and I wasn't exactly the kind of person to overlook an open wound. I stared down at my hands in shock.

"Hey, Bells."

I nearly jumped a foot in the air.

Charlie sat in his recliner with his uniform unbuttoned. I glanced at the clock above the mantle. 4:44. He was home early.

"Where'd you go after school? I was expecting to see you when I got here."

I was caught off guard, totally unprepared to see Charlie so soon after school. My mind was elsewhere, and I must not have noticed his cruiser in the driveway. Like clockwork, he came home every day at 5:32. 6:05 when he would stop by Harry Clearwater's to pick up fish fry.

I sputtered out the first thing that came to mind, still unable to comprehend the past two minutes. "Stopped by Angela's house to pick up my jacket. I accidentally left it at lunch today."

I silently cursed myself. My explanation was too specific. Specificity meant suspicion. I prayed that Charlie wouldn't think anything of it.

He nodded, looking content with that response. Of course, he had to dig deeper. "You guys been talking much?"

Oh god. Small talk. I had been excused from it for the past few months…or so I had thought. What had I been saying to Charlie? My mind was blank.

"I mean, we sit together at lunch." His face fell. I thought quickly, trying to think of something to satisfy him. "But we have plans this weekend! We just asked her parents if we could go to Port Angeles on Saturday. I was going to ask if I could stay over at her house this weekend when you came home, but you caught me off guard." I forced a laugh, sounding thoroughly maniacal. _Shut the fuck up, Bella._

Charlie, rather than looking satisfied, looked at me as if I had grown another head. "You want to stay…with a friend?"

I coughed. "Er, then am I not allowed to?" I was digging myself in deeper. Why didn't I just say I was at the library?

He blinked and waved his hand quickly. "Oh, no! Please, go. I, uh, have a late shift this weekend that I was gonna trade with Mark. It works out. I'm just surprised is all."

Charlie's offhand comment made me go quiet. He had been planning on trading another shift, just so he wouldn't leave me home alone. I resisted the urge to cry, and actually found it very difficult to keep the tears at bay. What else had he been doing for me?

I chose to ignore the surprised comment. "Okay, awesome. I'll call her." I picked my phone up out of my pocket and waved it at him. He still looked at me strangely. "Did you want me to make dinner?"

Charlie looked at me like I was missing something obvious. He scratched the back of his neck. "Uh, Bells, you haven't gone to the store in over a month. We've got milk, cheese, cereal…." he went on with his list, but I couldn't focus.

I had thought I remembered the last two months well enough, but as the minutes passed, it was becoming more apparent how little I had noticed. Hell, I had woken from my stupor two days ago and I had just thought about making dinner for Charlie. Before _it_ happened, I cooked for him almost daily.

He stared at me expectantly. "Oh, uh, I'll have to do that then. Chinese?"

x

After a thankfully quiet dinner of beef and broccoli in front of the TV, I headed upstairs to my room. My mind was racing yet again.

When I closed my door, I instantly walked to my closet, throwing open the door. I had offhandedly noticed how little I had to wear when getting dressed, but I noticed now that I literally had nothing in my closet but _couleurs de la misère_ : Renée's old t-shirts, Charlie's flannels, and all of my oldest jeans. Many of my favorite items of clothing were missing. In fact, there was not a single pop of color in my closet. Only faded greens, grays, and black. Even my bin of random socks looked monochromatic.

My eyes dropped to the floor as I scanned the closet. My previously full CD case was totally empty. Smashed, with small fragments of plastic and reflective CD bits on the floor. I jumped back when I realized how close my bare toes were to another potential cut.

I stepped away in horror. Distant, buried memories of me filling trashcans with clothes I had worn with him filled my mind. Sobbing as I pushed item after item in. I saw myself, weeping at the empty scrapbook my mother had given me before tossing it into the same bag. No photos had even been put in it, but just the context of them item must have been too much. I saw myself slamming a huge Austen collection down on my CD case, shattering discs and breaking the stand. Sharp fragments danced across the floor, and I stepped on them in my thankfully covered feet. I had at least had the foresight to wear gloves then, too. The memories were buried deep, and required digging to bring them up. As each one popped into my head, it was like more and more of the past was suddenly being unveiled to me, a great garnet curtain lifting in a certain part of my mind.

The implications of these memories made me realize there was a whole world of events that I had no memory of. What had I been doing? Who had I hurt? I had known I was essentially living on another plane of existence, but the concept of not remembering my own volatile actions made my head hurt. I had thought that my autopilot switch was only active at school. Maybe it came on for things I didn't want to remember either. The most painful of moments. Perhaps my brain was trying to protect itself from the raw pain that came with each moment.

I sat down on the bed, my mind processing anything else that I could have possibly done.

Life wasn't too different, right? I couldn't have thrown a tantrum at school or attacked Charlie, or something along those lines. All of those actions would have major repercussions that I would have had to deal with already. No one gets away with insanity that easily. I needed some faith in the few people who still were on my side. Angela wouldn't have welcomed me so openly yesterday if I had done anything truly horrible.

Everything I had done solely concerned _him_. Every memory that had emerged had a direct tie with the Cullens. No one else had brought on this kind of reaction. Surely if anything had happened with Charlie or Renée, it would have bubbled up to the surface by now. Only that which concerned nothing but myself and him seemed to be lost territory.

I stood and began to move rapidly, opening and closing dresser drawers, searching for anything else I could have done. I woke up my ancient computer, only to see nothing but school documents amongst the files. I opened my email next, unprepared for what I saw.

My stomach dropped.

I had at least one hundred unopened _Undelivered_ messages addressed to Alice's disconnected email address. No subjects, just constant _Re:_ , over and over again.

I screamed into my hands.

A sudden onslaught of memories of me sitting at my computer, furiously typing message after message to Alice came to the forefront of my mind. I quickly began scanning the messages, starting from September 19th, only a few days after I returned to Charlie's house. The content was repetitive, but picked at my emotional scabs. The pain was so raw, but equally as hidden as I tried to downplay it for Alice.

I wonder if I'd even noticed she wasn't replying.

The most recently email was dated November 5th, the night before I had noticed my period hadn't come. God, it was three days ago and I had no memory of it.

I sat back, rubbing my hands on my temples. How had I become so fucked up?

I moved quickly to the bathroom after, searching for anything buried in the cabinets, or lack thereof. No brightly colored hair dye or bleach kits, thankfully. I could see myself bleaching my hair and chopping it to bits in a fit of rage, but thankfully I had left it alone. I would have had to have noticed that. Then again, I hadn't noticed any of the cuts on my fingers.

I lifted my hands to my face again, brows furrowed in utmost confusion. My scarred hands were totally ignored in my mind's eye. If I hadn't noticed the harm I had inflicted on myself when I tore out my stereo, what else could I have done?

My stomach rolled uncomfortably when I had a horrible thought. Back in Phoenix, I'd heard stories of girls found passed out in their bathrooms, blood running down their arms and blades clutched in their fingers. One student in my freshman year had accidentally committed suicide in that exact manner, passing out from the blood loss and falling into a sleep she'd never wake up from. At the time, I had grimaced at just the mention of so much blood. I began to shake as another memory filled my mind. My trembling hand gripped the edge of my sweatshirt on my left arm, pushing up the cuff.

 _What had I done to myself?_

Red, thick scars lined my inner arms. All were healed, but still red and raised. Tears filled my eyes and I held in a sob. My right hand traced a scar, wincing slightly as I touched the raw skin.

I attempted to count them, but found myself unable after the first ten, sick with myself. How had I not noticed this? How could I not remember doing this to myself?

The world came into startling clarity then. My arms had never been a focal point of my vision, always skated over as I dressed myself and concealed by the sleeves of my sweatshirts. I had been so distressed since my first bath with the pregnancy test that I hadn't even looked closely at them. Always covered in long, warm sleeves that kept them out of my line of sight. Had I unconsciously protecting myself?

I quickly shut the door to the bathroom and yanked my jeans down. Thankfully, my thighs were scar free, along with any other visible skin. I had only seemed to destroy my arms, forever ruining the smooth, white skin.

The cuts were rough and thick, like red welts from a trauma. They were sporadically placed on my arm, but with a deliberate absence of marks around my bite mark, the only part of my forearm unharmed by my own doing.

Had I gone to the hospital for this?

A foggy memory of me, drenched in red liquid from the stomach down, filled my mind. I held the gauze in my teeth as I tried to wrap my arms. Blood covered the bathtub behind me, sprayed on the white tile. When I leaned in closer to the bathroom mirror, minuscule drops of blood clung to my ashen cheeks and lips.

I dropped to my knees, vomiting instantly at the grisly image.

He'd nearly destroyed me.

Wiping the vomit from my mouth, I pulled the contents of my pocket out, splaying the form out on the floor next to me. With shaking hands, I dialed the number.

It rang and rang for nearly thirty seconds before letting out a flat tone. No voicemail box.

Go fucking figure.

* * *

 **A/N: Something is clearly off.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: We've got ourselves something rare here…a POV switch. I don't normally like these but I think some insight into the Cullens' life is necessary for the story to go on smoothly. Don't worry, Bella will be back in the next chapter.**

 **Summary: "He was my only…anything. Only kiss, only touch, only…fuck. I couldn't call it anything other than a fuck, because anything else hurt too much. He said it was a mistake, and making love isn't a mistake. Fucking is a mistake. Nonetheless, babies come from fucking. And my body was carrying a…baby." Bella awakens with a bit more clarity after her breakup-induced depressed stupor. With a biologically impossible situation at hand, Bella must find her way back to the Cullens and solve the problem that no normal teenage girl is fit to handle. New Moon AU, BxE.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Rated M for sexual content, mention of self-harm, adult themes, and adult language.**

* * *

 **Chapter Five**

 _Carlisle_

I pulled into our driveway, solar lights illuminating the tree-lined path. Our new home, much more modern than the last, eventually came into view.

We had moved to Ithaca, New York, not even two weeks ago. The sudden fracturing of our family made the new location almost entirely unwelcoming. Esme had done her best at warming up the house, but we all knew it would never be the same.

My new job was the same as all the rest, a new position at a local hospital. I had grown quite fond of the staff in Forks, and the people here saw my age as a hinderance. Claiming to be the young, seemingly inexperienced age of 26 was quite irritating, since anyone over the age of thirty thought I had to be a total imbecile. Little did they know, I was older than their government system.

I walked into the house, the furniture brand new and pristine and the walls radiating a prominent odor of paint. I noticed an uncomfortable silence. No music played from any point in the house. For a majority of the years I'd spent with my family, I'd normally come home to some sort of background noise, often the television playing a recent sports affair or Edward playing mindlessly on the piano.

The reminder of my son was a painful one. He had left us three weeks ago, last seen disappearing into the wilderness of Denali.

After our departure from Forks, we had taken temporary residence with our closest friends, another vegetarian group up in Denali, Alaska. One of Alice's pastimes and alternate identities was as a successful, anonymous real estate mogul, constantly investing in industrial properties to make the family a little side cash. This in on the real estate business ensured the family a variety of homes under the Cullen name. However, with Edward's request that we move to the east coast, our options were limited and we needed time to allow the home to be completely finished.

The time we spent in Denali was tense. Our hosts tried their bests to entertain us, but none of our hearts were into it. Even though I had no gift even close to that of my newest son, the emotions in the air were palpable. My own grief at the loss of the girl I hoped would be my daughter one day was nothing compared to the emotions of my other family members.

Rosalie and Emmett were in the best condition. Emmett, of course, was far more upset than Rosalie, who seemed quite frustrated that the family was so wounded. Emmett instead attempted to take on the role of the caretaker, attempting to soothe my wife and other daughter. He knew my other sons were lost causes. His vibrant spirit could only do so much, leading to a slight depression. He had confided with me in my study that he had never felt so useless. He was the least serious out of all of us, and it nearly destroyed me to see him so weak. He and Rosalie had only stayed a week before setting off on a trip to Reykjavik, taking a reprieve from the depression that gripped the others.

Alice was in shambles, her grief visible from a single glance. Her normally exquisite appearance, that she took great pride in, had clearly been set aside. As a vampire, she obviously had no need for any actual hygiene. However, any person who knew Alice would know that something was gravely wrong if she wore only clothing from the 90s for several days in a row. Her short hair was not styled in its usual fun, spiky manner, but instead sat untidily and mussed from lack of attention. She often lay in Jasper's lap all day, her hands pressed to her temples. She wouldn't voice her frustration to anyone, her eyes clenched tight. Edward had given her instructions to keep her mind off of Bella. His commands were chilling as delivered them the night we left. He stood in the wreckage of her party, his face empty of all emotion. As he spoke to Alice, however, the blank mask fell from his face. Something in her thoughts had set him off. The fire within his eyes burned intensely and he moved closely to her, pointing a finger. The height difference between them had never been more apparent.

"Stay. Away. From. Her. Future." He spoke through his clenched jaw, leaning down as he spoke. Alice had never looked like such a child, pressing her lips together with unshed tears in her eyes. I could see the fog in them as well, seeing untold visions of his possible threats. Almost instantaneously, Jasper and Emmett had moved to attack Edward, but he dismissed them with a wave of his hand, disappearing into the forest around our old home. That was the last we saw of him before he rejoined us in Denali.

Jasper was wracked with a different kind of grief. Initially, his remorse for what happened at the birthday party had been miserable to watch. He felt totally responsible for the family's move. Additionally, his own self-disgust was radiating off him in waves. He had slipped up, of course, but only ever with strangers. It made no sense to him why he lost control. He had been abstaining for nearly sixty years. As the storm settled, however, he made moves to get past his guilt. But as time passed and Alice's conditioned worsened, he was impacted once again, Despite his claims, Esme and I knew that he was shouldering the blame for Alice's mental bedlam. _If his control hadn't slipped…._

Esme, the sweet love of my life. Her motherly instincts had never been so strong. Each of her children were in some way depressed. She watched helplessly as family members left and as a darkness fell over the household. I watched her as I read in the living room, her unbeknownst to my concern. She often seemed so much older than she was, but I could always see that innocent, twenty-six year old who had no clue what to do break through when no one was looking. As she would fluff pillows around the house, I could see the fear in her eyes. Whereas my years of isolation had aged me in a way that I could never reverse, Esme's time as an immortal was much shorter. She still could feel that terror of being a young adult with no idea of how the world worked. In our nights together, I would hold her as she weeped softly on our untouched bed, her concern and love for her children unconfined. I wished to do nothing but more talk some sense into my youngest and oldest child, to help him return our family to what it once was.

Edward was practically lost to me. From the moment we returned from Jasper's intervention, the spirit that had filled the house in the recent months was gone. He told us his plans quickly and quietly, not expecting a rebuttal. I had been shocked into silence, along with Esme and Emmett. Alice had begun to scream at him, venom flying from her teeth as she tried to attack. Jasper held her back, quietly. He and Rosalie were the only ones to totally agree, although with different motives. I, at a loss for words, could only look at the pain my son was in and tried to do what he thought would fix it.

Upon his arrival in Denali, I was nearly floored by what I saw. That blank mask that had been on his face at the house was gone once more, replaced by raw, torturous pain. He spoke to us in short snippets, his mind clearly elsewhere. His eyes were roaming and unseeing, like a man blinded by sudden nightfall. After the forced pleasantries of greeting the Denali clan, his burning eyes looked over the house until he vacated himself in their deep basement, as far away from our thoughts as possible.

We had hoped he would emerge after a day or so, return to the family activities as best as possible. I had been planning a job for him at Cayuga Medical Center, the hospital in Ithaca, thinking another stint in high school would be painful and unnecessary for my children after our experience in Forks. However, his time in the basement grew uncomfortably long. Eventually, Emmett and Jasper forced him out to hunt. It had been nearly three weeks since we had last hunted as a family in Forks, yet he seemed totally unbothered by the burning in his throat. As I watched him hunt, he took down the first thing he saw, a defenseless elk. He drank quickly, repeated the action two more times, before moving to isolate himself once more.

There was clearly a problem.

I had respected my son's wishes for long enough and after two weeks of isolation, I went down into the Denali's basement. It was almost entirely used for storage, despite the many rooms and bathrooms that had been installed. I found Edward in an unfinished bedroom, the stone walls still exposed, hinting at the giant lodge's age. A large fireplace had been built into the room. When I asked him about the locale, he said the rocks helped block the thoughts of us above him.

 _"Edward, it kills us to see you this way. Clearly, this is not having the desired effect. I mean, look at you!"_

 _Edward's dark golden eyes were somehow flat yet mad, totally unbothered once again by his current state. He was still dressed in the clothes he arrived in, his hair wildly tousled on his head. His preserved state kept him physically fit, but I could see the weakness in the way he held himself._

 _"Our family is suffering in more ways than I could have ever imagined, son. Your mother—" I swallowed thickly. "She is obsessed, constantly trying to think of ways to make this better. But it is so simple! You just need to go b—"_

 _Edward had stood up and suddenly was a foot in front of me as he cut me off. "I can't, Carlisle!" He roared, the madness breaking through that blank expression. His eyes were scorching, widened in what looked pain and terror. "We are monsters! I was right from the beginning. I was wrong for her…." he looked into the flames, making his eyes appear orange. "So wrong. I was going to kill her, Carlisle. Alice saw it from the very start and nothing_ fucking _changed!"_

 _His expletive made me take a step back. Edward, always the gentleman, reserved swearing for hunting excursions and baseball games._

 _"Edward, it was just a little blood. Jasper would never have been able to attack Bel—"_

 _He cut me off again. "_ Don't _say her name!"_

 _I stared at him incredulously. "Son, do you really think this is the best way of handling this? Look at what you're doing to the family."_ And from what Alice has seen….

 _The thought slipped through and I cursed myself. Edward looked at me again, fury in his eyes. "Alice?"_

 _I moved to stand in front of the doorway, holding up my hand. "She didn't mean to see it, Edward. You of all people should know that your gifts are not an exact science. She just can't turn it off!"_

 _He fumed, his mouth set into a firm line. He seemed to deliberate before speaking, shutting his eyes. When he spoke, his voice sounded weak. "What did she see?"_

 _Alice had described only one of her visions to the family, fearing Edward's reaction. She had thought she was doing well with following Edward's request. The visions from Bella had been almost nonexistent. It astounded her at first, since she'd sometimes even get visions from people she met in the sixties. Bella, who had been so integral in all of our lives, had vanished from her head. However, when she finally attempted to see Bella, just for a peek, she had encountered nothing but fuzzy images of her, destroying her bedroom in a fit of rage. That was all she saw before the silence returned._

 _Edward pushed past me at the memory. I followed him, springing to hold him back before he could reach Alice. However, when he reached the top of the stairs, he'd vanished into the night._

Edward had disappeared for a grand total of twenty minutes before he called me, telling me of his plans to leave the family for a bit. His voice was so weak over the phone, rough and tired unlike the deep, smooth voice the venom had perfected. He couldn't take the distress anymore, wanting everyone to heal without his presence. He could have never imagined the aftershocks of his decisions.

I found Esme curled up on the sofa in front of the fireplace. If I hadn't known any better, she'd look like she was in the middle of a fitful nap. I knew she heard me approach, but she didn't stir. I lifted the right side of my mouth into a smirk, feeling a deeply buried instinct to be playful with my wife.

I pounced on her. She giggled loudly, falling off of the couch before rolling over to pin me onto the floor. I held my free hand up in surrender. She sighed and dropped her head onto my chest, laying down on top of me.

"How did it go today?" she whispered, trailing her fingers down my chest.

My response couldn't have been very shocking. "Same as it always is on the first day. They think I'm an idiot, but hopefully that will change soon. Did Alice ever call?"

Alice was in Vancouver, meeting with Jenks, who was working from his Canadian office for the season. Jasper was initially supposed to go, but he urged her to leave instead. She hadn't left his side in nearly a month and he could barely stand to see her in such a poor state. She had made plans to meet with Jenks and then do a little retail therapy with some of her favorite shops. The words had sounded so strange in our sad household, but I could tell she was trying to get a grip on normalcy again. Her mental frustration could only be so successful. Jasper stayed behind, and was currently upstairs in the study.

"Oh, yes. Everything went well with Jenks. The Forks files have almost completely been destroyed, save for some of those at the hospital. He plans on sending an associate with a shredder tomorrow to finalize everything."

I nodded, thinking back to the files I'd left at the hospital.

I'd given them a number the day I'd handed in my counterfeit transfer forms to the hospital I was supposed to be working at in LA. It was attached to a pager I kept in my office, buried deep in my desk. I had been checking it daily since we left Forks.

Before leaving Forks, I had been standing in the hospital with a horrible feeling in my gut. I knew our leaving would be wrong, even though my brain could only point out the rationalism behind Edward's decision. However, Edward's apparent strength meant nothing when it came to Bella. How were we to know if she didn't try to hurt herself? I don't think Edward would survive if she were to die in response to his decision. I found myself incredibly tempted to leave the shortest, most temporary connection to us in our files. Despite the risk, I found it almost soothing to feel like I wasn't totally abandoning her.

Our normal protocol was to leave our files alone, as to not raise suspicion. A month or two later, Jenks would send someone to destroy everything in a way that had no ties to us. This system had worked surprisingly well for the past fifty years.

I had snuck to filing office, jotting a number linked to one of my personal pagers down onto my file and onto Bella's. Within the event of any serious emergency in the next month or so, nothing could happen to Bella without me being contacted.

It was a weak attempt at helping her, and very temporary. My pager only would last so long, and there was a good chance that technology would move forward so fast that the paper files would be destroyed in a few years. But it allowed me to leave the hospital with a clear conscience.

As Esme settled back onto the couch to watch some mindless home improvement television, I went into my office at the back of the house. The thought of the pager reminded me to check it, sitting idly in my desk. I unlocked the drawer and pulled it out.

 _One (1) missed message._

The phone was instantly in my hand, dialing Alice's number.

* * *

 **A/N: New chapter will be up soon! As always, reviews and questions are appreciated!**

 **Someone PM'd me and asked a question I think I probably should answer. Yes, this obviously is not the same type of pregnancy that happened in BD. Even though I loved that storyline, the timeline was too short for any good angst and also it was quite unbelievable that Bella, who had been so damn stubborn about something as patriarchal as marriage to just give herself totally to the idea of being a mother in like two seconds. This pregnancy will have the normal nine month timeline, with the those life-draining symptoms slowly developing as it goes further on. Thanks for the question!**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: This one's a whirlwind.**

 **Summary: "He was my only…anything. Only kiss, only touch, only…fuck. I couldn't call it anything other than a fuck, because anything else hurt too much. He said it was a mistake, and making love isn't a mistake. Fucking is a mistake. Nonetheless, babies come from fucking. And my body was carrying a…baby." Bella awakens with a bit more clarity after her breakup-induced depressed stupor. With a biologically impossible situation at hand, Bella must find her way back to the Cullens and solve the problem that no normal teenage girl is fit to handle. New Moon AU, BxE.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Rated M for sexual content, mention of self-harm, adult themes, and adult language.**

* * *

 **Chapter 6**

The next day was Thursday, one day closer to my impending weekend plans. I awoke to an unsurprisingly gray sky, the deep forest rustling fitfully outside my window. At this point, poor weather shouldn't have felt like an omen, yet the feeling of ill-boding still persisted.

I had hoped Charlie would forget about it, but this idea was quickly squashed as he asked me about it when we crossed paths that morning in the kitchen. He'd also asked me a favor: if I could run over to Billy's and pick up Billy's money that day or the following day; they'd arranged a fishing trip for this weekend since I was supposed to be out of town, but Billy's antique fishing rod had broken on their last trip. The Forks Police Department was right next to their preferred fishing stop-and-shop, so Charlie'd offered to make the drive for him on the way to work one day. He obviously had to work, meaning I was assigned the duty of visiting the Blacks.

I wasn't exactly anticipating it, especially after my weird run-in with Jacob at the cliffs. Hopefully, Billy would be prepared with the money and I could get the hell out of dodge.

Charlie's excitement about my weekend plans gave me a terrible, gnawing feeling in my gut. I could see the light in his eyes as he noticed my awakened state. His quiet, reserved nature naturally meant he wasn't hovering over me, but I could tell he was interested. Since he was fishing, I knew I could just lie and stay home, but I had a feeling he would be overly cautious and full of questions.

The need to ask Angela if I could indeed stay with her for the weekend was growing. Yet every time I faced her, I was overcome with extreme guilt.

From junior year, I'd learned Angela's friendships were always quite odd. She was like me in a way, with no particularly good friends and just lots of people we _called_ friends, but didn't actually contact them in times of need. For once, we had both found ourselves a true good friend. And then I had ghosted her with no explanation other than a nasty breakup.

She was kind as always and so sweet to me. At lunch again, she made light conversation but I still couldn't bring myself to ask. After essentially stealing her identity and then using her as my scapegoat, I felt like a horrible friend. Also, the actual probability of her parents agreeing to a sleepover, let alone a weekend together, were slim. Her family was nice enough, but very close. There was a reason Angela seldom socialized with her peers outside of school.

Before I knew it, the day was over and I was still in the position I started the day with.

Fuck.

 _Chicken_.

I was a coward. Once again, I cursed my recently acquired depression and anxiety. Bella was so much more ballsy before.

I drove to the Safeway after school. The food in the house was remarkably low and I picked up the essentials and enough ingredients to make spaghetti, a safe bet that was sure to please Charlie.

I sat in the exit lane of the grocery store, debating whether going right or left was the best course of action for the day. I chickened out once again and turned left, back to the safety of Charlie's home and away from intimidating Jacob.

The next day, Friday, was much the same. I eventually threw the idea of asking Angela out the window after thoroughly convincing myself that she would never agree and I'd only end up making her feel bad. I left school that day with a resolution that I was an absolute idiot with a blathering mouth. My months of silence had made me rusty. I would just have to tell Charlie something had come up and pray I didn't ruin his weekend. He'd left me alone countless times for trips last summer, but that was with Alice. Or at least he thought it was. God only knows what he'd do in this situation.

As I drove through La Push, I felt the anxiety growing within me. Rationally, I knew I had no real reason to feel upset. My task was very simple, but fucking Jacob's random questionnaire had put me on edge. He had been so nosy, asking weird questions about stuff he had no business knowing. For all he knew, I could just be the most dramatic teenage girl in the world freaking out over a totally normal breakup. Why was Edward so important to him?

 _Fuck_. I'd slipped up.

As his name registered in my system, I struggled to keep my eyes on the road. A hard, fleshy lump formed in my throat, causing me to choke on my spit as I tried to swallow down my emotions. My fingers clenched the wheel extra tight as I struggled to stay upright. I nearly had to pull over before I felt like I could get air in again.

That pesky hole just had to rip itself open again.

I had become so good at censoring his name in the recent months. Of course, I still thought about him indirectly. His child was inside of my body and the memory of his face accompanied nearly any thought about my pregnancy. The name, however, had an entirely different effect. It was so real and definite. Those two crisp syllables would surely tear me to shreds.

Even La Push was tainted by the memory of him. I was going to the place that he never could, a land marred by the supernatural reality that he lived in. It was one of the few pieces of evidence left that proved that he did indeed exist. I almost laughed when I realized this was the only place I'd never encounter a magical creature. Maybe I should move here.

I pulled into the Black's gravel driveway, wiping away the stray tears as I parked. The Blacks had a fair amount of land, meaning I had to walk across their wood enclosed property just to get to the front door. I'd always loved their home. Unlike Charlie's, the house wasn't entirely enclosed by thick, wet, green foliage that swallowed the building like Mother Nature's chokehold. They instead had a wide berth of land, surrounded by those beautiful ferns and pines. The soil beneath me was a smattering of bleached grass, dead from the increasing chill of late fall, and the deep brown of the untouched Quileute soil. Their buildings, several sheds and an almost equally tiny house, sat in the middle of the property. The place was a picturesque painting of the Washington living I could possibly endure.

From the beaten path to their small, red home, I heard the light vibration of rock music in the distance. My eyes followed the sound to see Jacob's garage, my heart dropping when I realized it was filled with people.

There were five or six boys gathered in the shed, relaxing around the room on Jacob's junkyard couches and stools while a figure, most likely Jacob, worked underneath a rusted blue car. The sight of teenage boys hanging out would have been pretty normal if not for the hilarious and strange detail that they all looked exactly the same. I couldn't tell apart an individual face.

Each boy had the exact same short cropped black hair, tanned skin, beefed out physique, and unsightly cropped blue jean shorts. I had to stifle a laugh when I realized exactly where Jacob had gotten his inspiration from.

My laugh must not have been muffled enough because exactly six previously smiling faces snapped towards me, their eyes burning with an emotion I couldn't quite place.

…. _what the fuck….?_

I dropped my eyes to path, thankful that I was about to disappear from their view as I walked to the front door.

I rapped lightly and Billy opened it seconds later, envelope of money ready in his hand. I smiled at him, gracious for his prompt timing. "Hey, Billy."

He handed me the money, smiling a strange, close-lipped smile. His eyes looked concerned. That was the face he had given me a lot since my arrival in Forks. As one of the Quileute elders, he knew the Cullen's truth. "Good afternoon, Bella." His eyes dropped to look at my figure, roaming over my body strangely. I felt the urge to shrink into myself. _Not him, too._ "Good day at school?"

I nodded, suddenly self-conscious. "Yep, pretty normal." That was a lie. Nothing felt normal anymore. In fact, I hadn't experienced normalcy since the last day of my life before I decided I would move to Forks.

Turning the conversation away from myself, I asked, "You excited for the trip?" My urgency to wrap up this small talk was increasing rapidly. In previous conversations, he had proven that he was not afraid to hold his tongue for the opinions he had about my life.

"Oh, of course. It's been too long since we've gone out on the water, and the lake we like might freeze over soon." His stiff face lit up momentarily as he remembered something. "Tell Charlie not to forget that good bait we got last time."

"Will do." I paused. Rain drops had started to fall from the perpetually overcast sky. For once, I appreciated the rain. "Ew, rain. Well, see you later." I gave him a small wave before turning around and beginning my way down the pathway. My forced smile immediately dropped from my face, replaced with wide-eyed discomfort. Was there something on my face that happened to insult the entirety of the Quileute tribe?

I walked quickly back to my truck, thankful for every step I put between myself and Jacob's garage. The smell of rain filled the air as the droplets began to fall faster, making my nose sting. I pulled up the hood on my jacket and quickened my pace.

What had inspired this sudden odd behavior from the Blacks? And Jacob's friends, seemingly. I had never done anything to them. If anything, Jacob had always liked me much more than I'd liked him. To be fair, I hadn't exactly helped with that. That day at the La Push beach, I'd led him on a lot more than I'd like to admit. He had just been so easy to play with. Like a puppy.

Before stepping into the cab of my truck, I snuck one more glance over to the garage, hoping I was far enough away that they wouldn't notice me looking at them. Instead of seeing the strange, but funny sight from before, I found myself looking at some sort of incident.

The boys were jogging, their bodies moving with the weird synchronicity of a high school track team, towards the woods behind the garage, shouting loudly. I couldn't make out the words, since they were all jumbled loudly with the rain. I furrowed my brow, wondering if they were seeing a bear, which wasn't an unusual sight on the reservation. But why would they be moving closer to it….

A bear did not emerge from the woods.

A large, speckled gray wolf parted through the trees, galloping towards the boys. It's stature was huge, so much larger than a normal wolf. It had to have been at least seven feet tall at its highest point, with thick, shiny fur and huge, bared fangs. I opened my mouth to scream, to alert Billy, but was shocked into silence as the wolf stopped in its tracks. Just moments before, it had been hurtling itself towards the boys.

The wolf contorted horribly, its body bending into strange angles. Horrible, gargled moans came from it before rather human grunts were the only sound I could make out over the pack of boys. Suddenly, the mass of contorting limbs became a teenage boy; a teenage boy that was identical to Jacob's crew, save for an exposed dick rather than a pair of jorts. My eyes widened in absolute shock. I could hear the keys jangling in my shaking hand.

 _So much for moving here._

The boy screamed out over the others, oblivious to their shouting. From so far away, I could just barely detect the look of glee on his face. "I smelled a vampire!"

Adrenaline pumped through my veins, absolute terror filling my gut as I realized I probably should be moving. Why wasn't I moving? Where was my flight instinct, telling me to leave before I got hurt? Perhaps I didn't have it, explaining why I found myself in so many dangerous situations.

I heard Jacob, moving to the front of the group and distinguishing himself for the first time. His voice rang out with that same whiny tone from that day at the cliffs. "You idiot! It's her!" He pointed in my direction. My stomach dropped.

The entire squad turned to look at me, their eyes even more intense than before.

 _Move_.

The world began to move very quickly then, that flight instinct from before finally kicking into gear. I scrambled into the car, my limbs somehow flailing myself into an upright position in my cab. I wasn't entirely sure how I didn't slip on the metal of the frame. The engine roared to life as my hands moved on autopilot, turning the key and backing out faster than I thought the truck was capable. Squinting through the rain, I saw the onslaught on six half-naked teenagers—and one fully naked one—running towards me across the Black's land. They were rapidly approaching, looking like a strange, oddly uniformed cult that was to bring me back to their lair.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!" I yelled to myself in the cab, whipping out of their driveway and driving as fast I could manage away from them. The truck screamed in protest, unprepared for a getaway drive. In my rearview mirror, the tan shapes gradually got smaller, finally disappearing as I made a sharp turn back onto the main road. In my peripheral vision, I could see the blurred green of the trees flying past me.

My heartbeat filled my ears, almost managing to cover up my stressed heavy breathing. My hands shook, barely able to hold the wheel. I drove back to Charlie's in absolute shock.

I wasn't entirely sure what I had seen. That wolf seemed to have shape shifted into a teenager in a few seconds. He didn't seem alarmed by that fact. In fact, neither did Jacob or his cronies. They spoke to him as if that was the most normal thing. The only out of place thing to them had been _me_.

I was the one who smelled like vampire. Okay, cool. I had a vampire baby inside of me. That made sense. But how could they smell it? _He_ had always had a smell, a sunny, warm cologne kind of smell. But nothing that could be smelled across the room or anything.

I ran one hand over my face, still frozen into a mask of stilled shock. I had just seen werewolves. At Jacob's house.

Oh my god. _Jacob_ was a werewolf. The kid who'd always followed me like a puppy.

After literally sleeping with a vampire, I don't know why this was so ridiculous to me. I began laughing to myself.

Small giggles suddenly turned into explosive laughter. The sound was loud and uncontrollable. I was running out of air. The seat shook beneath me and my ribs quickly began to hurt.

 _Oh shit, I'm hysteric_ , I thought.

Tears filled my eyes and I struggled to stay straight on the road. Parking around the neighbors' car on the street nearly resulted in a smashed vehicle as I overestimated how much room I had. I held over my mouth, trying to stop the hysteria that I could no longer contain, eventually straightening myself out. As I pulled into my driveway and switched off the engine, the laughter eventually turned to into a full-fledged sobs.

My life was a goddamn nightmare. The emptiness inside of me was growing hard to ignore, yet I just kept finding myself in situations that only made my life worse. Not only was I heartbroken and pregnant with severe memory loss, but now I was also being pursued by some teenage werewolves.

I looked to the clock on the dash, tears flowing faster as I realized Charlie would be home in an hour. I had nothing to tell him.

The laugh-tears eventually turned into silent, yet constant tears that dripped slowly down my face. I didn't bother to wipe them away as I got out of the cab, since they quickly blended with the rain. I ran inside, drenching myself as I unlocked the door. My jacket was a weak barrier between me and that eternal downpour.

As I stepped inside, the heat was on full blast. I closed my eyes and inhaled a deep breath, smelling the comforting musk that filled Charlie's home. After a moment, I dropped my backpack down on floor, walking to the living room to move my suffering to the couch. If I was going to be depressed, then at least I could be depressed with a blanket.

"Bella!"

The high, clear voice came from behind me, showering over me like the chiming of bells. There was only one person who sounded like that. I spun around on my heel.

Alice Cullen was standing in my kitchen.

* * *

 **A/N: Chapter 7 is already on the way! As per usual, don't hesitate to review and ask questions!**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Alice is touch OOC here, but it's in line with her characterization in this story. Her strongest sense, her gift, has been broken for two months and she's been lost in a depression. It only makes sense for her not to be her normal, bubbly self.**

 **Summary: "He was my only…anything. Only kiss, only touch, only…fuck. I couldn't call it anything other than a fuck, because anything else hurt too much. He said it was a mistake, and making love isn't a mistake. Fucking is a mistake. Nonetheless, babies come from fucking. And my body was carrying a…baby." Bella awakens with a bit more clarity after her breakup-induced depressed stupor. With a biologically impossible situation at hand, Bella must find her way back to the Cullens and solve the problem that no normal teenage girl is fit to handle. New Moon AU, BxE.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Rated M for sexual content, mention of self-harm, adult themes, and adult language.**

* * *

 **Chapter 7**

My brain was moving rather slowly.

Thunder boomed outside, the rain now pounding against the white clapboard. I could hear the loud bristling of the trees outside, thrashing in the wind.

 _Okay._

 _Alice._

 _Alice_ Cullen _._

 _She's here. I'm looking at her._

"You're alive!" Her voice was damp with emotion, as if she had been crying.

 _Vampires don't cry,_ I thought, my brain still strangely empty.

She stood in my kitchen, eyes wide. I could see her perfectly despite the near constant darkness in Charlie's poorly lit home. Her face was still frighteningly beautiful with her snow white skin and darkly lined eyes. The blue-green light from outside gave her a ghostly glow. She seemed surprised to see me, her mouth slightly open in shock.

This was one of the many faces that had been haunting my dreams for nearly two months, her normally kind face twisted in hatred as she taunted me in my dreams. My dreams hadn't always been consumed with just him and that forest I'd been abandoned in. A recurring Alice dream involved her dressed in a too tight Spartans cheerleading uniform with the first half of a sliced-heart _Best Friends_ necklace around her throat, dumping a soda onto my head into the middle of the Forks High cafeteria. I stood dressed in my dreadful tattered sweats, the _Friends_ half of the locket hanging from my neck. It was a strange horrifying dream, where I realized that my best friend had betrayed me in the most mortifying way possible. The soda felt like Arctic water as it dripped down my back.

My nightmares weren't exclusively dedicated to painful memories; they could also be stupidly metaphorical.

It was hard for the resentment that resulted from these dreams not to cloud my mind. The more I stared at her, the more the shock of seeing her combined with the red from my emotions.

My heartbeat increased in frequency once more. In the back of my mind, I realized that he had broken his promise. He'd promised I would never see any of them again, yet there Alice was.

I belatedly realized that I had never seen her look surprised before. Alice _couldn't_ be surprised. Not only did she have ridiculous perception skills, but she was a psychic. She could literally see exactly what was coming for her at all times.

This was all off.

None of this day was making any sense. So many impossible things were happening. There was no chance that I could accidentally encounter werewolves and vampires all in one day. My brain had to be broken. Not only was I forgetting huge chunks of time, but I was hallucinating now. Perhaps I needed to see that psychiatrist again.

The silence between us was a frozen lake, thick and wintry, and I feared to disrupt it. When I spoke, I would disturb that silent body of water and crack open the things I had been repressing for months. Who knew what dark monsters lurked beneath the surface.

I stared back at her stupidly, unspeaking. The anger made me want to scream at her, but I knew that wouldn't be the best approach. Should I engage with a figment of my imagination? Would that make it worse? I asked the only question I could think of.

"Are you real?" I stammered. My voice was pleasantly flat, no intonation whatsoever.

She was silent initially, taken aback by my question. After a moment, Alice's dark eyebrows furrowed. She tilted her head ever so slightly. "Of course I am, Bella." Her voice exuded kindness, her tone soft and feathery. She moved forward and I flinched back. I'd been training myself for two months not to think about her and the negative mental associations began connecting. Tears sprung to my eyes.

 _Not good._

The pain that I felt was stronger than ever, a ball of splintering, hot agony in my chest. The reality of actually seeing her in all her beautiful glory was far worse than any of the weak images my memory could ever conjure. As I stared, I could see the small details my mind had missed: the petite point of her chin, the way her bottom lip folded perfectly into the cleft above it, the tiny wisps of hair on her neck that she couldn't quiet manage to style due to their jagged shortness, cut in the final months of her human life.

The pain within me pushed me to crumble, to splinter apart in front of her to show her how I truly felt inside. The absolute emptiness within me had proven itself to be deadly, evident thanks to the scars that lined both of my arms. Should I yank my sleeves up and force her to see what her family had ultimately done to me?

No, that wouldn't be fair. Who was I, a mere human, to make them feel bad for living their lives as they should? Why would they consider me, the weak girl who had been nothing but a burden during the months that they knew me, in any of their decisions? Despite my anger, I knew she did not deserve that guilt.

I bit my lip, holding in any possible sobs that might have escaped. I couldn't look so weak in front of her. I couldn't have that image of myself in her thoughts. Then he'd see it. I couldn't _let_ him see me in that way.

I took in a quick breath, fearful of a hitching sob coming out. I needed my voice to be stronger. _Be brave, Bella._ "Why are you here?"

Her eyes roamed over me, taking in my bland outfit and small frame. Even in my baggy clothes, I knew she would be able to see the difference in my figure. My slim frame had gone from healthily small to ridiculously fragile. I had been eating well the past few days, but that had yet to compensate for the months of malnutrition.

In the back of my mind, a pang of horror ran through me when I understood how bad that was for a fetus. My sudden self-revulsion did nothing to help build my strong façade.

The dent between her eyebrows deepened. She moved forward and appraised me. "Bella…are you sick?"

The simmering anger turned to hot, raw fury. _Sick?_ Could she not even say the word? Clearly, she didn't care enough to return when she first saw the vision of my pregnancy. What was so different now? What made her come see me?

"Sick?" I spat, too furious to elaborate. She stared at me, still concerned and confused-looking. I couldn't bother to continue. She wrung her gloved hands, an odd gesture for a vampire. They often couldn't perfect the subconscious worrying mechanisms of humans. She had it down to a tee.

She stepped forward again and I instinctually held a hand up. She flinched. "Bella, I know something is wrong."

Something in my mind clicked. _Aha_. She was here because of when I tried to contact Carlisle.

I inhaled a deep breath. "Alice, I _know_ you know something's wrong. You're a goddamn psychic! You're always the first person to know. However, when it concerns me, your best friend, you can't bother to pick up the phone?"

Alice's eyes widened in shock. It was truly convincing. Her acting skills had been perfected over the past one hundred years. If I didn't know any better, I'd say she was genuine. But after my experience with her brother, I knew a vampire could fake seemingly genuine emotions very easily.

She stared back with watery eyes, only fueling my fire. My next words spewed from me quickly. "'Alice, no thanks to you, I've been in the midst of a depressed spiral these past few months. The family that I grew to love abandoned me. I understood _him_ , I really did, but the rest of you? Why would you ever do something so cruel as to think I could recover without you all in my lives? A part of my life I finally allowed myself to trust was ripped away from me. Part of me is _gone_ , Alice. I've been practically destroying myself." I had to resist the urge to lift my sleeves again, to force her eyes upon my gory self-destruction.

"My memories from the past two months have all but evaporated, completely screwed the hell up by my fucked up brain. He took my spirit from me, Alice. I have no desire to do anything anymore, other than figure this situation out! I just wanted Carlisle's help, Alice."

Once again, Alice was always the perfect actress. Her golden eyes shone with her venomous tears, filling up on the brim but never falling. I saw her arm twitch to grab my wrist, but she quickly pressed it down again. "Bella…I am so sorry. I never wanted us to leave you. The situation was so complicated. I wish I could tell you more, but…." she trailed off. I stared blankly. She looked sympathetically at me. "He was so angry, Bella. He wouldn't have _let_ me stay."

My shriveled heart stopped as her words sunk in. Did he detest me that much? I swallowed a sob once again.

He had pulled them away from me, tearing the only complete family I had ever had from my life. His intentions were good enough, but it was cruel.

My eyes dropped to my sneakers, soaked and splattered from the rain outside. Had it only been minutes ago when I was distressed about talking to Charlie?

"Carlisle sent me here when he saw that call on his pager. I don't know how you got that, but that was an emergency number he set with the hospital, meant to be destroyed almost immediately after we left. Carlisle sent me as soon as he saw the number. Bella, he left that in case you nearly _died_. When I got to the hospital and didn't see you there, on top of the things with my visions, I thought you had." She ran a hand over her beautiful face.

The words sounded strange coming from Alice. I realized after a moment because it was she sounded unsure. Just like her surprised expression, Alice could not be unsure about anything. When had her gift become so weak?

I forced my words out. "Why didn't you just look and see me? You never had a problem with that before."

She raised an eyebrow, her upset expression looking confused again. "What?" The thunder rumbled outside again.

"You're a psychic. Why would you even have to come here to see me?" I was dumbfounded. Alice's vampire life had always been so simple thanks to her ability to see things others couldn't. Why wasn't she relying on that now? There was no need to travel all the way here.

Her eyes dropped to the floor, an odd look on her face. It was almost ashamed.

"I can't see you." She spoke softly before meeting my eyes again.

Her eyes were completely clear again, and I felt that strange vampiric pull on me again. It was almost blissful to give in to it, but I needed to resist. I couldn't give in to their charm. However, their clarity also showed her truth. Why would to confess so something so upsetting if it weren't true?

Alice had never indicated that her gift came with resting periods. In fact, she'd given me the impression that it was almost nonstop and separating herself from the constant onslaught of information was the real challenge. "How is that possible? I didn't know it could _stop_."

She sniffled, another strange human gesture she'd learned. Vampires didn't produce snot. The tears pooled again. She fell back into Charlie's armchair. I wasn't aware we'd come so far into the living room.

When she spoke, her voice was wet with emotion. "It never has. Ever since the day I woke up as a vampire, there's been this constant reel of visions playing with everything I see. I can't even begin to think about the most mundane of tasks before I see how it plays out to affect my entire day. The fact that I cannot see you, such an integral part of my life, is absolutely astounding." She looked at me, her teary eyes scorching. "You know, he asked me not to look for you." She seemed to pick up on the hint that I didn't like to hear his name. "At first, I thought I was somehow complying really well. Days went on and my visions of you grew fainter and fainter as I tried not to seek you out. But then I tried to see you, and all I could see were blurs. It was like you were fading away. Now, it's nothing but radio silence. Why else would I think you were dying?"

I stared at her, hard, trying to find anything to prove her dishonesty. Her story sounding so convincing, and nothing indicated that she was lying. Her eyes were clear pools, no hardness or façades. If this was true, it would change everything.

If Alice hadn't been able to see me, she wouldn't be able to see the horrible effects of his absence. She wouldn't have been able to see my weakening body and mind. She wouldn't have been able to see my body, changing in unknown ways as his child grew inside of me.

She wouldn't have abandoned me. At least not in the way that I had thought.

"You haven't been able to see me these past few months? At all?" I demanded, desperation coloring my tone.

Alice nodded. "I saw a little of those first few horrible days, but it mostly looked like a whole lot of nothing since I don't think you were making many decisions. I didn't notice anything noteworthy until I saw you destroying something in your room. Even then, it was so blurry I only got a faint impression of it. That was the last thing I could really make out."

 _Damn it_ , I thought. I don't know why I hadn't realized that—if none of this weird vision stuff was happening—he still would have seen my brief period of depressed stupor. The thought had never crossed my mind. I didn't linger on it for too long, and instead appreciated the weird glitch in Alice's gift. Her inability to see me would keep me from a world of shame.

Her glitch also left me cast out from the family. It was so easy to allow myself to believe that they had been living blissfully unaware of the spawn I carried within me.

It would make things so much better if I believed.

Even if it wasn't true, I could remove so much resentment from my life. I could go on forwards without the nagging thought in the back of my head that my life wasn't worthy enough to be saved by the Cullens. My initial thought that Carlisle was a better man than the one I thought he was would be _true_. It was never in his nature to abandon a human in need. For God's sake, he was a doctor. It never made sense for him to leave knowing that his son's child was left to an unknown fate in the place they had vacated. He risked his own soul every day to take care of respectfully insignificant humans; his food, essentially. Why would he leave me, someone who had genuine ties to his family and could devastate his own existence?

Just considering the possibility was blissful. Relief was ready at the gates of my terrified nerves, preparing to flood through me like a healing salve. Would I allow myself to believe Alice's claim?

I would. For now.

The soothing bliss ran through me like wildfire, coursing over me and further lifting that weight from my shoulders. I nearly fell backwards at the feeling. The weight I had lost during the last two months clearly had been stored as rancor.

I felt the urge to laugh. Those hysteric chuckles from only minutes before threaten to bubble forward. The situation wasn't funny nor ridiculous, yet I smiled a strange, blissed out smile.

As soon as the respite came, it went away as I realized that Alice truly did not know what was wrong with me.

"So you don't know, then?" I sputtered.

She blinked before speaking in an exasperated tone. "I feel like I've made it blatantly clear that I do not know anything."

She missed my point. "No, that's not what I meant. You asked if I was sick. I'm talking about my…sickness." I paused, fumbling over my words.

Alice looked at me, those big dark eyes still confused and shiny, like a wounded dog. I sat down on the couch. It felt strange, us sitting in such a mundane, normal room. The Cullens were above American living rooms. They lived in homes with sleek, contemporary furniture that never had the chance to be dirtied or broken in. Alice looked incredibly out of place in Charlie's La-Z-Boy.

I kept my silence, testing her patience. Still looking honest, her face grew frustrated as I withheld my news. "Would you care to enlighten me, Isabella?"

As I opened my mouth to explain my predicament, I realized I had never uttered the words. Not even to myself. The pregnancy had been an acknowledged reality that had yet to take hold. My body, still small and sad, looked relatively normal and I could live in ignorance. By saying it out loud, I would make it real. Making it real made it an actual problem I would have to face.

I forced the words out. "I'm pregnant." I felt an imaginary weight in my mind lift, floating to the heavens above. What a relief to share the news that I barely allowed myself to believe.

Once again, the silence returned between us. Nearly thirty seconds passed before Alice reacted.

Alice stared at me, the lines smoothing out and her expression going oddly blank. She spoke with a stiff voice. "I wasn't aware you had been…seeing someone else."

What?

That wasn't the response I was expecting.

"Alice, no, it's his." I spoke quickly, like it was the most obvious thing. Why would she assume that I had moved on?

She blinked several times before cocking her head to the side. "Bella, vampires can't have children. That child is not his. That isn't possible."

I hadn't expected her denial. Maybe I just wasn't accustomed to seeing Alice deny clearly true things. She always already knew the truth. She sounded rather short with me, igniting a similar response of my own. "Um, _Alice_ ," I said her name very pointedly. "I haven't… _been_ with anyone but him."

She huffed and shook her head. "That would not be possible. Trust me, Rosalie and Emmett have been trying for decades." She was firm in her denial.

"Then where the hell did this baby come from?" I demanded.

Baby. _Baby_. That's the word. A child of my own; a child that both belonged to the both of us.

Yet I was all alone.

I felt strangely childlike, even though I was in the midst of the most adult situation. Alice was speaking down to me, refusing to believe my truth. I felt petulant and stupid as I insisted that I wasn't lying.

"What could I possibly gain from lying to you guys about this? You'd find the truth out in seven months or so. I'm not trying to see him or anything." The thought of using the family to try to find him made me sick. I squeezed my eyes shut. "I'll happily leave him alone. I just want help. Our relationship was never normal, so why would this child be? We're two different species, for god's sake."

Alice stood up abruptly, her eyes suddenly hot with anger. "Stop lying, Bella."

Tears sprung to my eyes again. Her reaction was eerily similar to that of her brother's, the morning after our coupling. He, too, had been all too quick to cut me off and deny my claims. _I'm not lying. I'm not lying._

 _"Why_ do you think I'm lying?! _"_ I cried.

Her words came fast and harsh, cutting through me like knives. "I don't hear anything! Babies have heartbeats, and your womb is as silent as the grave."

The grave.

Why the fuck would she phrase it that way?

My emotions swelled like a great wave, bringing that same torrential downpour from outside into my mind. My vision clouded as her words tried to make sense in my mind.

Did she mean my child had died, unbeknownst to me?

The quick relief from before had been replaced by cold, stinging horror that had shocked my heart into terrified silence. I was numb, too frozen to even feel tears fill my eyes. I only stared at Alice with wide eyes, blinking as I tried to fathom what she meant.

My shaking hand lifted from my lap and onto my stomach. How could I possibly know if the child was still living? I had never considered what a miscarriage with his child would be like. It wasn't like I was meeting a doctor regularly.

Hope returned to me when I realized I still felt all of the symptoms. My emotions were still absolutely haywire, not to mention the tenderness and swell of my breasts despite my tiny frame. _But who's to say it didn't happen earlier today? Or yesterday? Hormones linger in the system for so long…._

This sudden hope was all I had to hold onto; my only grace to keep me from falling back into the emptiness that had gripped me before.

Using the only strength I had, I stood and forced Alice's gloved hand onto my stomach. "Feel, Alice. I _know_ there's something."

She stared at me apprehensively, her dark eyes shining beneath her lashes. I could see her earnest frustration, but I couldn't understand her inability to listen to me; to trust my word as truth.

She opened her mouth to protest, but stopped quickly. Her eyes dropped to the floor, her fingers twitching slightly on the flat skin of my stomach.

Alice felt something.

"Bella, this isn't possible." She insisted, her fingers applying light pressure. "I _feel_ a heartbeat, but…I can't hear one."

Tangible relief ran through my veins, hot and thick. My heart swelled once more, the emotion intense and overpowering, as warmth flooded through me again. It was like coming in from the frosty wonderland of a snow day, only realizing how frozen your limbs had become until sitting by the fire and wrapping up in a blanket. I hated the intensity of my emotions. If anything had happened, I'm not sure I would survive the heartbreak again.

This was all so sudden and intense. In what world would I, Isabella Swan, find herself pregnant as a teenager? A legal adult, thankfully, but still a teen nonetheless. Renée would kill me.

The realization that I wasn't the only one who knew grew on me slowly, and that same weight from before was still coming off my shoulders. I wasn't the only one who knew of this responsibility. But would the Cullens actually help me?

Alice was lost in thought, her mind seemingly racing behind those clouded eyes. What was she seeing? What couldn't she see?

She spoke quietly. "Something's coming."

Oh, _shit_. I'd heard that one before.

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 **A/N: Reviews appreciated and loved!**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I've been blessed with a couple rainy days, so chapters 9 and 10 are already in the editing process!**

 **Summary: "He was my only…anything. Only kiss, only touch, only…fuck. I couldn't call it anything other than a fuck, because anything else hurt too much. He said it was a mistake, and making love isn't a mistake. Fucking is a mistake. Nonetheless, babies come from fucking. And my body was carrying a…baby." Bella awakens with a bit more clarity after her breakup-induced depressed stupor. With a biologically impossible situation at hand, Bella must find her way back to the Cullens and solve the problem that no normal teenage girl is fit to handle. New Moon AU, BxE.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Rated M for sexual content, mention of self-harm, adult themes, and adult language.**

* * *

 **Chapter 8**

"Well, what is it?" I demanded.

Looking rather annoyed with me, Alice turned towards me to speak. "I can't see anything! I don't know! But we have to get the hell out of here."

The shift was sudden and unexpected. We had just been in the midst of an incredibly tense emotional moment, yet we somehow had skipped the positive, reconnecting moment and skipped straight to the getaway scene.

I stood up to show compliance, still trying to process all that had happened in the past few minutes. My mind was still moving slowly, wounded by the moment where I thought my unborn child had died within me. Alice, however, seemed unfazed, moving only in self-protection mode. I had never seen Alice so on edge. Her lack of omniscience didn't seem to agree with her. "Well, then, how do you know?"

She sighed, before quickly flitting to my kitchen. She still moved with that fairy-like grace, always so painfully different from my awkward, fumbling movements. "Just because I can't see a precise vision doesn't mean I can't feel when there's a threat on the horizon. My gift is a little more complicated than just a picture show."

I looked away, nodding absentmindedly. That made sense. I realized belatedly that in my months of being taken care of by Alice, I'd never asked her to explain how her gift worked. It had seemed so straightforward, just like how it is portrayed in the movies. I never realized there were facets to what she saw.

Her quick movements needed to wake me up. I was still so off-guard, preoccupied with our sudden reunion and the emotional whirlwind it took me on. She moved without skipping a beat, seemingly oblivious to the last thirty minutes.

"Go pack a bag, Bella. We've got to get out of here."

I nodded again, moving detachedly to the stairs. It felt so normal to just believe and do everything she said. I had never questioned her before. Why would I stop then?

A sudden thought sent a chill running down my back. "Please tell me Charlie's not coming home soon," I half-screamed, turning on my heel. My heart began to pound in terror. I couldn't possibly risk Charlie with whatever this mystery threat was.

She dismissed me with a hand. "He's not going to be home until 5:30. I'm watching him, don't worry."

I nodded before realizing that she had just explained a perfectly clear vision. "So your visions _do_ work?"

Alice, who was in the middle of shoving random items of food from my pantry into her large bag, looked up to me in frustration. "Bella, I swear to God! I don't know why and how they are broken. Somethings work, others don't. It's just the more important things that seem to be broken. Now just go pack a fucking bag!"

I held my hands up in submission as I moved to ascend the stairs.

Clearly, she wasn't preoccupied with what just happened between us. This was likely a vampiric self-preservation skill. She knew she had to prioritize her survival over her emotions. As a human, it was a difficult task. However, I knew I needed to follow suit. We would discuss it later, when less pressing things were at hand.

As I packed my bags, I worked to separate myself as Alice had. We needed to be in the escape mindset. Alice's lack of information initially hadn't disturbed me too much, but the horror of the situation slowly crept up on me as I quickly packed, my survival instincts kicking in. Perhaps it was Victoria and Laurent, coming to finish me off? Maybe it was the mailman, coming to deliver a package.

The bottle of shampoo in my hand clattered to the floor as I realized who was coming.

I nearly stomped down the stairs as I ran down them, my bag barely packed and banging painfully against my ribs as I moved from step to step. I was out of breath as I shouted, "It's the wolves!"

Alice, who was pacing in the living room, stopped in her tracks and raised an eyebrow. "Wolves?"

I half jogged forward to meet her, trying to catch my breath. How did I explain this to her without sounding like a crazy person? Then again, I was talking to a vampire.

"Over in La Push….I just saw it today. Charlie sent me over to pick up some money and while I was at Billy Black's house, I saw his son's friends and one of them had transformed into a wolf! If not for you guys—" I gestured to her, choosing not to elaborate, "—I probably would have thought I was insane. They saw me looking and went after me, but I drove away in time. I didn't consider that they'd actually come to my house!" My mind was racing. So much had happened over these past few days that it was becoming difficult to keep track of.

Alice's expression was blank as she absorbed my words. She considered them in her mind, likely weighing the options of my sanity. She eventually nodded. "Carlisle told me about the Quileutes. I wasn't with the family then, but I guess the gene was carried on."

Of course. "…you're not surprised?"

She sighed. "No. When Carlisle came to Forks the last time, he encountered them and created a treaty. No Cullen could step foot on their land. This was their trade to allow us to live in Forks. They wouldn't try to kill us, and we wouldn't endanger their tribe. They had some sort of run in with nomads back when the territory was still theirs. I guess they harnessed some sort of tribe magic to become shapeshifters. Like I said, I guess the gene is still being passed on."

I was stupefied. None of them had ever explained that werewolves existed. I had thought they were the only monsters out there. I decided to save my anger for being once again left in the dark for another time.

"Wait, so then how are they coming here? If you're here, they can't intervene, right?" I demanded. My anxiety was rising, the need to get far, far from Forks increasing by the second.

Alice shut her eyes abruptly before letting out a long breath. "They already have."

I scarcely had a second to wonder what she meant for I heard the muffled sound of a voice shouting from outside.

"Bella Swan!"

I moved to the window next to the fireplace. The boys stood outside, flanked as if they were about to enter battle. The steady rainfall did nothing to hinder their strange presence, a weird sort of intimidation in their eyes as they stood upright and proud. I looked back at Alice with wary eyes. "Do I go outside?"

She shrugged. "I can't see them either."

Alice was proving almost useless without her gift in her arsenal. One would think she would have some independency from it.

"Let's just entertain them. This is so juvenile. All of them are barely teenagers, let alone men. Just stand behind me."

We walked to the back door and out into the side yard where they stood, grabbing an umbrella from the coat rack on the way out. Alice stood in front of me, her shoulders squared but otherwise looking quite unbothered by the pack of boys. I held the umbrella, my fingers gripping it tightly to avoid shaking.

Jacob stood at the front of the group, looking quite smug with his leadership position. He nodded to the two boys behind me and they stepped closer. His protection. Without context, the situation would have seemed quite off: a six-foot-seven beefed up teenager needing protection from a waifish girl who didn't even reach five feet. None of them seemed slightly disturbed by the onslaught on rain coming down on us. Meanwhile, I shifted every few seconds, my feet slowly sinking into the earth.

Seeing Jacob stirred my emotions. Our last two encounters left me feeling thoroughly disturbed. Perhaps I would get some answers as to why they had been treating me so strangely.

"We thought you had left," He stated simply, looking at Alice with that same laughable intimidation. While he had grown physically, he still had the attitude of a high school sophomore.

Alice, always so confident, smiled. "There was no formal statement. We left town; that doesn't mean we forfeited the right to come back. We still own all of our property."

I hadn't know that. I figured they had just abandoned the home and would allow it to be sold in auction by a realtor.

He looked to his boys behind me, looking as if he found her comment funny. "This isn't about you coming back. We're here to discuss the treaty. In fact, you're lucky we're civil enough to come talk to you. Instead, we could be biting your head off, which the treaty states is perfectly acceptable if broken on your end."

Alice looked uninterested. "We never betrayed your treaty, Jacob Black. In fact, we weren't even aware that the wolves had returned. Nonetheless, we have kept our agreement and left your people alone, even though we thought there would be no threat." She crossed her arms. "I'm doing nothing wrong here. You lot actually seem to be the ones stepping over some of the treaty's lines."

I had never known the treaty between the Cullens and the Quileutes had been so serious. When it had come up last year, it just seemed like a part of their mystery. I was so focused on finding out _his_ truth, I never paid attention to the little details like ancient treaties and mythical wolves. Jacob had never indicated that there was any validity behind it. If anything, he sounded like a total skeptic. It was a laughing point in his story, all adding up to the absurd Quileute belief that the Cullens were the fearsome _cold_ _ones_.

"You've done nothing wrong, eh?" He spoke flatly. "Then what about her?" He pointed to me.

A blush drifted onto my face. I dropped my eyes to the ground, preparing myself to hear why I had become La Push's local pariah.

Alice scoffed. "What do you mean, wolfy?"

He smiled, still cocky. "The treaty states that no Cullen may harm a human."

There Jacob went again, sounding all suspicious and vague with a serious inability spell out exactly what he meant. Alice seemed to pick up on it as well. "Bella is clearly alive and still human. You don't think her being a little pale means she's a vampire, right?"

He laughed. "Do you really think we're that stupid? Oh, no. She's got something on her. We don't know what, or how you got the venom in there without changing her, but I've been able to smell it since I went through the transformation. All of us have. We didn't know what it was. We thought it was one of you poking your heads around here again, as you have today. But then I smelled it on her, twice, with no other vampires in the area. You all did something to her."

I tried my absolute best to seem unfazed by his comment, wiping all notable expression from my face as all of their block faces turned towards me. I couldn't cross my arms or shield myself in any way, it was all too suspicious.

So it seemed the wolves had superior senses like vampires. It annoyed me that they couldn't only be active while in their wolf states.

Alice clucked her tongue, firm in her confidence. "You guys are so new at this. It's me. I've been staying nearby, checking in on Bella weekly. Of course she smells like a vampire, I essentially live with her on the weekends. If you don't believe me, go smell the house. I'll be all over it."

 _Oof_. Another painful reminder of her abandonment. Alice had never sought me out, post-breakup. I was left painfully alone, which I had reminded her of only fifteen minutes earlier. Nonetheless, she was bluffing. If they actually entered the house, they'd smell her recent scent all over the downstairs, but nowhere else.

Jacob couldn't possibly fall for such a blatant lie. Her delivery was strong, but there was no legitimate evidence.

He crossed his arms. "She told me she hadn't seen any of you in months." He stated simply, his eyes flashing towards me. He was referring to our encounter on the clifftop.

She waved her hand in admission. "Bella's been up to a whole lot of lying these past few months. Why would she tell _you_ the truth, mutt?" Her tone was unbelievably convincing, with just enough sass and boredom to not raise suspicion. Her ability to handle an encounter like this was impressive. It was the first conversation she could remember having with no foresight of exactly how it would go, and she was handling it like a champ.

"Our scents last for days. They're almost as distinctive as your rank odor. I did her laundry last weekend and I wouldn't be surprised if she smelled like a vampire for the rest of the month. You pups should probably learn to trust your other senses."

Jacob rolled his eyes. "This is different, leech. It's inside of her for God's sake. In fact, my father introduced an idea that would explain that exact effect." He looked at me pointedly. Great. Billy? That would make for an interesting fishing trip. "We think that her old boy toy knocked her up and then got the hell out of town when he found out."

It took all of my strength to not break my expression. I almost dared to try to look as if I found that accusation preposterous, but I didn't trust my human expressions. Instead, I left it to Alice.

She laughed; a perfect, chiming laugh. Normally, the sound would have weakened the wills of the men in front of her. However, this seemed to make them more mad. I was surprised some of them weren't kicking their feet into the mud in preparation to charge at us.

"Pregnant? Bella? What kind of folklore did Chief Black bring into this? Vampires cannot procreate. We are frozen in time, stuck in the bodies we died in. Trust me, if we could have children, you'd have seen them by now." She gestured towards me. "Besides, even if that were possible, wouldn't you hear a heartbeat?"

Alice was very, very clever.

As we had discovered earlier, there was a heartbeat, but not one that could be discernible by the wolves. If Alice couldn't hear it with her vampire senses, then how could these shabby half-werewolves? If they tried to feel my flat womb, Alice would likely bite their hands off before they could even touch me.

Jacob's smug expression fell a little bit, his confident grin skewing. He looked at the boys behind him. "Do you guys know…uh, if you can hear a baby's heartbeat?"

Jackpot.

Alice jumped into action. "How dare you! You make ridiculous accusations that you know nothing about. Come back to threaten our stable treaty once you have some solid evidence."

Jacob looked pathetic and defeated, looking back at his boys for help. He looked forward to me when he realized that they were no help to him. He shrugged. "Uh, sorry, Bella."

"Keep your wolf nose where it belongs, Jacob," I said, trying my best to channel the confidence Alice had. Her sass was admirable, and something only gained through decades of confident lying He stared at me, squinting his eyes in the rain. As the pack members behind him began to move towards the woods, I saw the slightest hint of that stupid smirk.

He was suspicious.

Instead of addressing it, I turned back to the house. The phrase "Don't poke the bear" came into my mind.

Alice moved a step behind, clearly not used to knowing exactly what someone's intentions were. I had never seen her a step behind anything. I heard the mutterings of the wolves behind us, but I just wanted to get as far away from them as possible before they saw or heard anything that indicated that their "ridiculous accusation" was actually almost correct.

We moved back into the house quickly, Alice's stiletto boots somehow not squelching in the muddled ground of Charlie's backyard. The rain continued to pour harder, creating massive puddles on his patchy grass. The forest was an immense green blur around us, filled with the sounds of water dripping from frond to frond.

Once inside, I closed the umbrella and moved to the window again. I could see the rustling trees from where Jacob's pack had taken off. I let out a sigh of relief.

"Guess I didn't need to pack a bag." I sat in a the chair across from the couch, rubbing a hand over my forehead. "How do you think we'll keep them from watching me? He still seemed suspicious."

Alice laughed. She did not move to sit down again. "Oh, we're still leaving."

My brow furrowed. "Why? There's no threat anymore. We know who was coming."

Alice laughed agains, being her classic ostentatiously omniscient self again. "Bella, don't be so naive. The wolves will always be a threat. Even though I can't see anything clearly, I know they wouldn't give up that easily. I'm sure they're strategizing a patrol plan for you right now. Nonetheless, that's not the only reason."

She walked over to join me on the couch. "I'm not risking my niece or nephew for a second longer than I have to. We're going to Carlisle." She looked down over me, assessing my slim frame again. "He's the only possible person who could explain this strange, strange situation." She lifted a hand to ghost her fingers over my bony cheek. Her eyes grew scornful. "And we can see if you've stunted their growth with your absolute lack of personal care!"

Shame filled me again. My depression had not only risked the wellbeing of myself, but also the small life growing inside of me. I could only hope my autopilot switch was enough to protect this child from early developmental issues. A feeling in my gut told me this child was a lot more durable than that of a completely human fetus. Perhaps his vampiric genes would spare the child from human frailties.

But what would I say to my father? I had been so down lately I'm sure he wouldn't just allow me to follow Alice indefinitely? Knowing the Cullens, that wouldn't be the story they'd concoct. They were masters of the harmless, white lie. What was a little pain for a lifetime of security?

"What are we saying to Charlie?" I asked aloud, hoping to hear some plan that didn't involve permanently damaging my father's nerves once again.

As soon as I asked the question, Alice lifted her right hand and pointed. I could hear Charlie's cruiser pulling into the driveway.

"You couldn't have at least given me a warning?" I shriek-whispered.

She smiled. This kind of Alice behavior was familiar, and just as annoying as it once was. "Just let me do the talking and play along."

I didn't get a chance to answer because we soon heard Charlie's keys turning at the door. He pushed it open, the sound of the rain outside filling the house. "Bella? Who's car—"

He looked into the living room, only to see Alice and I from across the house.

Charlie's face lit up into an uncharacteristically large smile. He came forward, still dressed in his uniform with his gun on his belt, with an arm extended. "Alice! What are you doing here?"

Alice stood up to hug him, flitting towards him with the grace of a ballerina. This was not a surprise, since they had gotten very friendly while I was still in my cast and she was here to take care of me.

She pulled back and answered his question. "Just took a surprise trip to come see Bella! We planned it a couple days ago and I told her not to tell you." She looked back at me, smiling and giving me a quick wink.

As per usual, Alice's gift proved to both a blessing and a curse. This time, I was thankful for the blessing. My lie about Angela was the perfect evidence that Alice's words were true. If she was planning to surprise him, I would have used Angela to get Charlie out of the house without tipping him off that she was coming. Even though I hadn't been visible in her visions, she still somehow had a grasp on what exactly had been happening here.

I tried to be cheeky, like Alice. "Got you, didn't I?"

His smile dropped and he looked upset for a moment. "But I'm going fishing! If I had known you were coming we would've taken you out on the town and been proper hosts."

I had to stifle a laugh at the idea of taking _anyone_ "out on the town" in Forks. Downtown Forks was a tiny stretch of buildings, with its most noteworthy stops consisting of a sporting goods store, the Police Department, and the diner. Did Charlie forget that Alice had lived here for three years?

She put a hand on his arm. "Oh, no, don't worry! Bella and I are staying at my family's apartment in Seattle!"

He seemed to make the connection between the car on the curb and Alice's presence. His eyes widened in shock. "You drove all the way up here? And are driving back?"

She moved back to sit on the couch with me, still beaming confidently. "Don't be silly! I had a driver meet me at the airport. We have a couple on retainer since Carlisle still does business up here." Her lies were flowing so smoothly, they sounded if they had to be truthful. "We're gonna be chauffeured this weekend! It's a long drive, but I'm sure Bella and I have so much to discuss. I need to know everything that's happened at school since we've left!" she enthused.

This was a blatant lie, considering the fact that Alice never gave half a mind to anything that happened at school. It was beneath her, and I had no doubt that she would in fact be bored to tears to listen to Jessica's inane gossip and rants. Nonetheless, Charlie and I made nervous eye contact. We both knew I hadn't paid a lick of attention to anything in two months.

She looked at her phone briefly, checking the time. "Which reminds me, we have to leave soon. Poor guy is taking a nap out in the car, and I told him we'd be back by ten. I definitely underestimated that."

Charlie scratched the back of his neck. "One weekend? Is that enough time for a trip like this, girls?" He seemed very out of place. Even when I had been mentally stable, he'd never had to deal with the lavish plans of my fabulously wealthy friend.

She cocked her head. "Well, it's Veteran's Day, isn't it?" She looked at me, looking for verification, even though there was no possibility that she was incorrect.

I'd totally forgotten that next Monday was a holiday. So did Charlie, seemingly. He looked thoughtful for a moment. "Oh, yeah. That's right. Why didn't you remind me that you didn't have school, Bells?"

I had been so lost inside my head in the recent months that I'm sure I would have shown up to school on Monday, ready for another day to begin. The concept of school holidays had completely fled my mind. I sputtered out an excuse. "I figured you knew. Cops are normally pretty on top of that, Dad."

He nodded, accepting the date as truth. "Well, I won't make you guys stay any longer than you need to. It was so great to see you, Alice. You guys need to come visit up here more often." He glanced at me quickly. "You know you're always welcome to stay here." He smiled at her. "Uh, need any help with the bags?" He eyed my duffel.

Alice stood again and picked up her purse, somehow still completely inconspicuous despite the food she'd stuffed into it earlier. "Oh, no, it's just the one bag, right?"

I nodded, standing. I moved to Charlie to give him a quick hug. "You be safe out there on the water, alright? If you fall in, Billy can't save you." I pointed a finger at him playfully as I pulled away.

Alice moved to the door, quick to escape the house. I followed quickly, looking back at Charlie as we moved. He gave me a nod. "Always am." He pulled his phone out of his pocket and wagged it at me. I nodded back, understanding the message. "Love you, be safe!"

"You too!" I called before shutting the door behind me. I had forgotten an umbrella, but I didn't dare go back into the house. Charlie's rushed goodbye felt strange. I'd left him this quickly once before, but it in much worse conditions. Somehow Alice's magical presence had made the event so seamless. Any of his resentment towards the Cullens these past few months had completely evaporated; at least, with this particular Cullen.

She blurred to the car, starting it quickly. She was the black car on the curb that I'd disregarded as my neighbor's. There was no driver, obviously, and I gawked at the model as I got closer. The rain was the only thing keeping me from noticing the black Audi with deeply tinted windows that stuck out like a sore thumb on my waterlogged street.

"Get in!" she whisper yelled. "He's going to look out in thirty seconds, and he can't see you getting in the front seat!"

I ran quickly through the rain, my clothes soaking through almost instantaneously. It must have looked a little suspicious, since I didn't even grab my coat before leaving. As soon as I sat down in the car, Alice passed it to me. I smiled appreciatively.

She drove away almost immediately afterwards, but at a respectable speed. I could see Charlie peering through the kitchen window, waving his farewell. Thankfully, the windows were so darkly tinted that there was no way he could see either of us in the front seat of the car. As we turned the corner, Alice suddenly increased the speed. The car only let out a quiet hum.

I turned to her to finally ask the question I couldn't ask inside. "So, where the hell are we actually going?"

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 **A/N: Thank you guys so much for your continued support of this story! Your positive feedback means so much to me.**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: I started college this week so please excuse the disturbance in uploading!**

 **Summary: "He was my only…anything. Only kiss, only touch, only…fuck. I couldn't call it anything other than a fuck, because anything else hurt too much. He said it was a mistake, and making love isn't a mistake. Fucking is a mistake. Nonetheless, babies come from fucking. And my body was carrying a…baby." Bella awakens with a bit more clarity after her breakup-induced depressed stupor. With a biologically impossible situation at hand, Bella must find her way back to the Cullens and solve the problem that no normal teenage girl is fit to handle. New Moon AU, BxE.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Rated M for sexual content, mention of self-harm, adult themes, and adult language.**

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 **Chapter 9**

"Ithaca, New York." She stated, picking up her phone. If it were any other person, I'd be terrified to see her scrolling through her phone while whizzing through Forks's aged, winding roads at perilously high speeds, but this was a Cullen. A clairvoyant Cullen. I knew better than to complain.

"So, the LA story…?"

"Bullshit," she muttered quickly, eyes still on her phone.

A moment passed before her words sunk in. Ithaca. That was a far cry from Los Angeles. But I'd have to have been an idiot to believe that they would ever actually go the place they said they were going. I'd never imagine them going to the east coast, where the weather was much more temperamental. The Pacific Northwest was the ideal locale for near-constant cloud cover.

The detail about LA had nearly completely slipped my mind. I don't remember how I learned that piece of information. Perhaps it had absorbed into my brain somehow, muttered by Charlie or one of the doctor's during my stay at the hospital after I'd been found in the national park.

I'd been so completely in shock I hadn't been conversing much with anyone. The LA story had never truly stuck with me anyways. They were gone. Never coming back. That was all that mattered.

I tried to squeeze in another question, but I couldn't even open my mouth before she was rattling off to a Sea-Tac employee, trying to find us two neighboring seats on the nearest flight to anywhere near Ithaca. I'd never been to New York state, and had no idea where it was located. I'd only heard of Ithaca from an "Ithaca is Gorges" sign in my eleventh grade history teacher from Phoenix's classroom, surrounded by other Cornell memorabilia.

It took a few moments of listening to her perfect voice before I felt the chill of realization spread over my body. I was in Alice Cullen's car. Well, someone else's that was currently being commandeered by Alice Cullen. Seeing her in my kitchen had been so dreamlike, I'd never expected to find myself with her in some harrowing mission.

I didn't want to think about what this meant. I had followed her out the door so easily, saying goodbye to my father without even considering the consequences. In fact, I hadn't even considered the consequences of _going_ to the Cullens, uninvited and still very human. Would they turn me away? Alice was also much more involved in my life than they ever had been. Then again, they did all risk their lives for me after the baseball incident.

The realization that I was completely and one-hundred percent uncertain of what would happen was strangely easy to swallow. Perhaps being with Alice made it much easier to try to understand. She was always too certain of herself, even when she wasn't certain of the future.

I eventually tuned her out, exploring the features on my cell phone and plugging in an earbud into one ear once I discovered I could sync my music purchases onto the phone. I zoned out for nearly forty minutes before picking up on Alice's irritated shriek. The phone had been dropped in her lap.

I pulled out the earbud. "No luck?" I'd find it hard to imagine Alice Cullen not managing to sweet talk her way onto any airplane.

She shook her head, taking a sharp turn. The Audi handled it smoothly, but I had to resist the feeling of gravity leaning me slightly to the right.

"No, no, I got us a spot. We have a flight to Syracuse. Thank the lord above!" She pantomimed lifting her left hand to the sky. "The trouble was getting the plane to _go_ to Syracuse. There was one flight going to Rochester with several more available spots, but it included a stop and I parked my car at the Syracuse airport! It would be so much trouble to get Jasper to have to go pick it up and then drive all the way to Rochester to pick us up. He doesn't even know we're coming home! How would I explain that he needed to get us without….." she trailed, seemingly devastated by the mere possibility of dealing with it.

"God forbid you have to do something the normal way, Alice." I commented slyly. I could feel her annoyed glance in my direction, but by the time I looked over she had replaced it with a saccharine smile.

"Aren't you going to ask how I even got here in the first place? How I'm all the way across the country in your exact time of need?" Her smile was still brilliant and self-satisfied.

I lifted my hands to gesture for her to tell me. "Regale me, then."

"I was in Vancouver meeting with some of our business partners. Jasper normally deals with that kind of stuff, but he all but forced me to leave the h— _Ithaca_." She smoothed over her blunder quickly, but I was perceptive enough to notice that she was about to say 'the house'. "I was spending a couple days there, on my own. I thought it would be good to have some Alice time, too. Of course, two days into my trip, I get a call from Carlisle that something happened to a certain someone." She looked at me pointedly while simultaneously smoothly handling a curb. "So I took a car down to Forks, and you've heard the rest."

"Why did you feel like you needed to leave Ithaca?" I asked quietly, studying my nail beds. I'm sure she would think they were ghastly if she looked close enough. So dry and cracked.

She was silent for a long moment before composing her words. "Things haven't been very good since we left Forks, Bella."

I couldn't think of a response. Was this correlated with me? With their sudden departure and my terrible response? "Well, can you elaborate on that?"

I looked to see her gripping the wheel tightly. Her eyes weren't fogged, meaning she wasn't in the midst of a vision. I waited for her to continue.

"We left quite suddenly and there really was no time for us to really think about what was happening. Edward—"

As she spoke the name, the dormant hole within me forced its way open, suddenly awakening with a vicious ferocity. The pain was bleak and sharp at the same time, consuming all of my senses. Each of my nerves seemed to scream in agony, as if I was being subjected to unconditional mental and physical torture. It took nearly all of myself to keep from going unconscious from the pain.

Ever since I had woken up, suppressing that raw pain had been so easy to do, but the name made it impossible to ignore. I felt my face twist up in pain at the feeling, accompanied by the horrible realization that we were on our way to see him again.

It hadn't crossed my mind that we were going back to the place where he lived. Some part of me had been living in the blissful, sweet ignorance that I would never have to face his indifference ever again. The weaker parts of me screamed to see his face one more time, as if that would the cooling salve to soothe the hole. However, deep down, I knew it would only do me absolute and total harm.

Perhaps I had been sparing myself until the right time, subconsciously keeping myself in the dark before I could fully process that I would be seeing him again.

My heart rate had increased suddenly, anxiety and tension consuming each and every one of my cells. Before I could stop myself, I was shouting.

"No!" I screamed, entering reality again. I had cut Alice off mid-sentence, her words entering my conscience again. Whatever she had said after speaking his name, I had not heard. Perhaps she had said nothing, and the thoughts all came clattering into each other at once. The time I spent inside my mind was immeasurable and instantaneous at the same time.

" _Don't_ say his name!" I cried, my voice suddenly wet with tears. I knew it was cowardly. He was her brother, after all. The name just made it all too much; too real. He said it would be as if he never existed. My body loved believing that sweet, sweet lie. An Edward free world was a pain free world.

She was silent for a beat. I heard her swallow. She considered what to say again. "Bella?"

Why was she saying it like a question? She knew I was listening.

"He's not there." She spoke tentatively, as if talking to an upset child.

Oh.

I didn't speak to signal that I had understood her, but I think her silent response indicated that well enough. The words spread throughout my mind quickly, chasing away the sudden anxiety that had filled me. My heartbeat slowed after a long moment.

Where was he then?

She seemed to hear my unspoken question. "He left not long after we left Forks. We were staying in Alaska, with our cousins, while the Ithaca house completed its renovations. He was having trouble…adjusting to all the changes in our lives and left suddenly one night. He called to tell us that he was leaving, and that's the last we've heard. Carlisle tried to call him after I had left Vancouver, but he doesn't seem to be paying attention to his phone, really."

 _My kind…we're very easily distracted…._

I felt the violent urge to slam my head into the dash, to force myself into my unfeeling unconsciousness to rid his soft words from my mind. I had become very, very good at keeping those specific memories out of my head. How had he come back so suddenly? I settled for forcefully pushing my hand against my forehead as if I could somehow lodge himself out of my mind.

Of course he was out enjoying himself. Why would he stay with his family, filled with thoughts of his ex-girlfriend? The one who had gotten far too attached in a six month relationship. It had to have been draining for him to be surrounded by the part of his life he was letting go.

She didn't speak again, signaling that she probably wanted me to say something. When I spoke, my voice was annoyingly broken. "So…we won't be seeing him, then?"

She gave a small shake of her head. "No, I doubt it. I really do hope I see his sorry-ass face around sometime soon, though. He deserves a good beating. After we left, Carlisle was so _protective_ of him." She hissed the final words. "' _Let him heal, Alice_ ' he'd say with that stupid, wise voice." She imitated it so perfectly that I nearly jumped before registering that she was the one who had spoken. "All I wanted to do was strangle him. He left you alone and defenseless, and heartbroken to top it all off. He is such an idiot…," she trailed off. I noticed her tightening her gloved hands around the steering wheel again. After a brief pause, she sat up in her seat and spoke matter-of-factly. "Now, I want to kick him in the fucking dick."

I couldn't resist my short snort of a laugh. The phrase had been so unexpected from Alice's tiny frame, but it was funny nonetheless.

She looked over at me conspiratorially. "I'm glad _someone_ respects my feelings towards him. Not only did he abandon you, but he abandoned you _pregnant_!" She gestured towards me again, her hand ghosting close to my flat stomach.

Her words settled into my mind, and I realized it was the first time she had actually acknowledged the situation after she confirmed its existence. Admittedly, I had expected a little more…emotion at the news, whether it be positive or negative, but her acceptance was good enough for the moment.

She'd said that word again. Why did it make me feel so suddenly heavy every time I heard it? It was a burden I'd yet to face, but was coming closer to with each and every second that passed.

She seemed to accept that she was having to steer our conversation. "I still can't believe it, honestly. It's like….I know it's true. I felt it. You feel it, obviously. Everything makes sense. But somehow, it just can't register! Because it's not possible!"

Ah. That explained her lack of emotion. She really couldn't feel any way about it yet, because she did't even understand the predicament. It was like she was reading my mind.

"Thank you!" I exclaimed, probably surprising her with my outburst. "I haven't been able to say that to anyone. It's unbelievable and ridiculous and kind of impossible, but I can't ignore the facts. But my previous understanding that this—" I pointed to my womb. "—couldn't happen makes it just so hard to believe."

Perhaps, in a different world where he had not fallen out of love with me, the world where he and I foolishly continued our relationship, this could have been a beautiful miracle. He always seemed to mourn the life he would have taken away from me if I had followed him down the path into immortality. Wasn't a child one of those things he always thought I could never experience? Or _he_ could never experience?

My motherly instincts had never been strong. I'd always hated children and I'd burnt out on parenting after nearly seventeen years of living solely with Renée. However, the thought of having a child with him seemed so right. Perhaps it was that call of nature that I'd always brushed aside, ignoring it for my own whims and passions. Maybe I just needed to be with my true soulmate to feel that kind of love for a child. That kind of ability to be so selfless to dedicate your life to taking care of another.

The horrible and depressing truth was that I wasn't having a child with my soulmate. Or at least, he wasn't having a child with his. We had formed this spawn in an act of temporary passion, and as the world seems to always like to prove, things didn't always work out like they were supposed to. I was pregnant with his child. He was gone. And I had to pick up the pieces.

I could have furthered my thoughts on my motherhood, but Alice interrupted, still preoccupied by the conversation we were having.

"I've just never considered that this was a possibility. Rosalie and Emmett, they tried to make it work for decades. It honestly frightens me what they'll do with this knowledge that all they need is a viable, human body…"

I looked over at her in terror, but she was poorly hiding a cheeky smile. "I'm just playing! They'd never. At least I'd hope they'd never. Fingers crossed, I guess." She shrugged her shoulders playfully.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw an almost worried expression cross over her face. "What is concerning is the fact that I cannot see it, whatever it is."

Yet another thing that Alice couldn't see with her gift. She had never mentioned this happening before, in any context. She'd seen everything, proving most frustrating in my feeble escape attempt in Phoenix last spring. Now, she seemed to be blind all the time. Then suddenly, she couldn't see me, the child, or the werewolves.

A thought suddenly came to me. "Do you think this is related to why you haven't been able to see me since he left? We—" I had to force the words out, my tongue abruptly heavy. "—had sex the night of my birthday party."

 _Sex_.

I hadn't thought of it since he'd left me.

My months of drained trance had made any thoughts of sex nearly evaporate from my mind. I'd gone from appropriately horny to as dry as the Sonoran. It was too intimate of a thought. There was no way to think about it without thinking of him, beautiful and powerful and as every bit as satisfactory as one would imagine. The memory was tainted, turned blue and cold by the frosty fog that took over my body two days later. I'd only wished my fractured mind could have tampered with that particular memory.

The idea that I'd done _it_ —the impossible and near-sacred feat—with my vampire ex-boyfriend was a thought I never allowed myself to have. It showed my embarrassing attachment, my absolute need to have him even though he made it so clear to me that he never desired me as I desired him. I blushed horribly, my skin growing red and irritated as the words sunk in. Alice, however, was preoccupied with the other thing I had said.

Her eyes lit up, taking them off the road and onto my face. Her lips spread into wide grin. She removed one hand from the wheel, firmly gripped my jaw to turn my face towards her, and planted a kiss onto my burning lips.

She pulled back quickly, leaving me stunned into silence. My face was a frozen mask of disbelief. Meanwhile, Alice was laughing, filling the car with her bell-like sounds.

"Bella, you absolute goddess! What is it lately that's making me ignore such easy conclusions? You are absolutely correct. Your life is so entangled with this child. As it grows, of course you get harder and harder to see!" She stared at the road, eyes alight with the sudden epiphany. As quick as the laughter came, it stopped. She looked towards me again, her eyes wide and troubled. "Oh, that is _not_ good."

Her sudden change in moods made my face finally crack, a laugh slipping out. The situation wasn't funny in the slightest, but I had missed her wild, intense vampire emotions.

"We need to talk to Carlisle as soon as possible. He has to know something," she said, almost to herself.

"Should you call him?"

She shook her head. "Not until we are firmly back on Cullen property, I want no one else to know this information. God only knows what would happen if this news was heard by the wrong person and what Ed— _he_ would do."

I recognized her slip-up, but my mind was more preoccupied by what exactly she meant. What _would_ he do? For as long as I had known about the pregnancy, I had been firm in my belief that he would never know. Because I stupidly thought no one would know.

Uncomfortable with where the conversation was heading, I decided to bring up what Alice had been talking about before I had so rudely interrupted. "So, what is the family up to?"

Her smile fell before she began a long conversation where she filled me in on the family. It took almost the rest of the car ride. Her ties to their future suddenly became very apparent as she talked about theirs pasts. It was so strange to understand her explanations of things, knowing that she was intertwining information from both the future and past. By the end of the discussion, I'd learned that things indeed weren't good in the Cullen house. Rosalie and Emmett were gone, finding their respective skills only useful for each other. They left to travel in Iceland. Alice _tsk_ ed after she said that, implying disapproval. When I'd asked her to elaborate, she'd merely said, "Oh, no reason."

Carlisle was working in his new post in Ithaca, with Esme still trying to make the home feel more like a home to all of them. Alice had been struggling with her gift and doing a whole lot of nothing, while Jasper was taking a few classes at Cornell. He didn't actually engage in the homework or lesson plans, but instead sat at the back of the classes, absorbing information. The rest of his time was spent with Alice.

She gave no more details about the missing family member, which I was thankful for. Every second we spent in the car doting details to some other person took me further and further away from that white hot pain that grew within me.

We arrived at the airport at 9:30, thirty minutes earlier than it would have taken any other driver. Our flight was departing at ten. To my displeasure, I discovered that Alice had stolen the car from an impound lot in Vancouver, and it was not a rental from the SeaTac airport. She scribbled a note in an unfamiliar script with the address of the lot, making me feel a little better. We walked briskly to the gate, stopping once for her to shove me two granola bars from her purse. We somehow managed to sit into our pair of seats on the right side of the plane at 10:04. Airport protocol did not exist when it came to the Cullens.

The plane was too small to offer separate classes, meaning the whole of the plane's guests were stuffed into two cabins. Thankfully, it spacious enough to offer Alice and I the privacy of our own paired seats, where we could whisper amongst each other without having someone next to us.

I feared the takeoff would upset my stomach, amongst other things, but I found myself too tired to even have to worry about it. Even though it was late, it was too early for many of the passengers to fall asleep. I, however, had been awake since six in the morning and had had a whirlwind of a day. Alice flagged down an attendant and got me a pillow and blanket.

While we waited, Alice eyed me again. She lifted up my arm, strangely feeling my skin and squeezing it.

"Can I help you?" I raised an eyebrow.

She ignored me and deftly wrapped an arm around my side, giving me another light squeeze. She sighed and shook her head before looking intently at me.

"Have you not been eating? Like, at all?" Her eyes were shining with concern, but I felt like I needed to look away.

Would now be a good time to further explain my lack of memory and control these past two months? I had somewhat mentioned my memory loss to her in my fit of anger earlier, but it had quickly been overshadowed by more important news. It didn't seem right, especially when I was so tired. I wouldn't even know how to begin to explain it. Was it even that important?

Brief flashes of the reemerged memories appeared in my mind, shoving forth images of me with blood dotted lips and shattered fingernails. Yes, it was that important. But I would address it later.

My memories were dim, but I do remember eating after few days of catatonic stillness. I think at that point I was trying so hard to force my body into a rhythm that I had to have been eating. Not enough, clearly, but I was. I had only been trying my best to eat full, well-rounded meals since I had awoken earlier this week.

I responded quietly, trying my best not to mumble. "Yes…just not enough I guess."

She looked at me disappointedly, but her attention was diverted as the flight attendant returned with the pillow and blanket. As I became more comfortable, she remained silent, not bringing it up again.

I initially resisted sleep, fighting my heavy lids. I unconsciously gripped Alice's hand at one point. When I forced myself to awaken to clarity for a few, brief seconds, I stared at our hands I realized my inability to fall asleep was my fear that I would awaken only to find that it was all a wish-fulfilling dream. After all, the events of the day were rather miraculous, save for the werewolves.

It all seemed almost too perfect to believe. Everything had fallen into place with little effort on my part. Who's to say it wouldn't evaporate as soon as I opened my eyes? My brain had accomplished stranger things.

The pull of sweet, sweet sleep was enough to bring me back into the state of sluggish, near-unconsciousness. My final thoughts centered around how Alice had smelled so good, her sweet, floral scent far superior to anything you could pay for.

I awoke around 5:15, most of the plane still sleeping. Alice feigned her snooze perfectly, her breaths even and peaceful. She obviously had to have known that I was awake, but I went along with the charade of tapping her.

She stretched flawlessly and craned her neck, smiling a fake, sleepy smile.

"Good morning, Isabella," she yawned.

I scoffed under my breath. "You are so committed to the theatrics."

She winked. She pulled out her phone again, checking the time. "We'll land at 5:41." Her eyes glazed over for a second, before her face fell into a frown. "Jasper's going to call in a few minutes. I hate lying to him."

I cocked my head. "Why do you need to lie?"

She looked at me with a strange, sad expression. "Like I said Bella, no one can know anything until we're back. Carlisle and I have somehow kept this from everyone. I don't even think he know I'm coming back early. We're trying to keep everything very normal for everyone in case _he_ calls."

I nodded in understanding, forcing myself to not think too deeply about what she meant. Who were we to disturb his periods of leisure?

Jasper indeed called, and she ended the call quickly, telling him she was on a hunt and had spotty reception.

We landed exactly when Alice predicted. Getting out of the airplane was simple, since we both only had carryon items. I didn't understand how Alice could fit all of her clothing in a carryon bag, especially since I knew she had done some shopping in Vancouver. Typically, she was the person who would bring two suitcases for an overnight stay.

We left the airport in a car that thankfully belonged to the Cullens, a silver BMW that I'd never drove in before but I had seen tucked in the right side of their expansive garage. Like the Audi, it had darkly tinted windows, although I suspected the Cullens did that intentionally.

As I climbed into the car, I remembered the buried memory of the smell of a Cullen vehicle. I didn't know whose exactly it was, but the car was permeated with the hypnotic scent of a vampire. I shuddered softly.

What would happen when I arrived at their home? Would they help? Would they turn me away? Alice could be quite persuasive, but I didn't think I could bear the others' rejection.

Alice claimed the drive would take just over an hour, but we arrived at 6:45, thanks to her swift speeds on the woodsy back roads. The all-too-familiar feeling of ill-boding came over me again as we made the drive up their winding driveway, very similar to the one in Forks. The home was equally secluded and placed right in the middle of a vast forest. However, unlike their Forks home, the house was contemporary. Dark paneled wood and light gray metal built a large three story home, with just as many windows as the Forks house. Alice parked in their garage, around the hillside in the basement of their home. My eyes glanced over his Vanquish, parked in the far corner. I'd never been in it, but he'd often gushed about its incredible speed and luxury….

 _Stop_.

I had only been at the Cullen house for one minute and my mind had already begun going to dark paths that I knew it dare not follow.

I climbed out of the car, forcing myself to notice something other than things that belonged to him. I initially noticed the biting chill, thankful again that Alice had grabbed my jacket. I wrapped my arms around myself, cringing as the cotton rubbed up against the inside of my arms. I'd need to be careful to keep this secret to myself for as long as possible.

I turned my eyes to the outside of the garage, viewing part of the Cullens' property. It astounded me how similar the foliage was, even halfway across the country. However, instead of the bright, radiant greens of Forks, much of the trees were dark and woody, more friendly to less rain.

Alice began to pull the bags out of the trunk. I was admiring the woods from the mouth of the garage when I heard something behind me. The sound came from the back of the garage with a set of stairs that let to the inside.

"Alice?" A deep voice bellowed, marred slightly by a country twang I'd never heard before. Something moved quickly around the garage before settling in front of me.

Once again, I was locking eyes with Jasper Cullen, the vampire who'd tried to kill me.

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 **A/N: Thanks again for your continued support!**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: So sorry for the lack of update! College has been an absolute mess and I haven't had much time to write. And when I did write, I wasn't happy with it. This chapter experienced a lot of construction. Of course, this is typical with filler. Let's just say...this story is about to start going places. Thank you all for your patience!**

 **Summary: "He was my only…anything. Only kiss, only touch, only…fuck. I couldn't call it anything other than a fuck, because anything else hurt too much. He said it was a mistake, and making love isn't a mistake. Fucking is a mistake. Nonetheless, babies come from fucking. And my body was carrying a…baby." Bella awakens with a bit more clarity after her breakup-induced depressed stupor. With a biologically impossible situation at hand, Bella must find her way back to the Cullens and solve the problem that no normal teenage girl is fit to handle. New Moon AU, BxE.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Rated M for sexual content, mention of self-harm, adult themes, and adult language.**

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 **Chapter 10**

The last time I had seen this particular vampire, his intent had been to drink my blood. The image of his onyx eyes and glistening teeth was not one I would soon forget. In fact, Jasper had also made a couple appearances in my nightmares. He'd chase me through the darkening woods outside my home, circling me and taunting me until he pounced, with his brother casually watching a couple feet away. That one had only come a few times, but it left its mark. I'd wake up clutching my throat, expecting a shower of blood to spurt out onto my bedspread like a gory family quilt.

I expected to feel some sort of great anxiety, some evolutionary urge that came when one was confronted with something that they knew had a great chance of hurting them. However, when I locked eyes with his intense, golden stare, I felt no inkling of fear in my system. He was not a predator to me. Rather, he felt like a distant family member I had not seen in a long time.

He looked much the same, his golden wavy hair still matching his eyes almost perfectly. Like other males of his kind, he was astoundingly handsome, with a jawline nearly sharp enough to cut steel and high cheekbones. Surprisingly, he didn't have that pained expression that he almost always nearly had when I was around. No agonized, firmly set lips. Instead, he just looked surprised, his dark brows lifted. My human eyes detected to no hunger in his stare.

Seeing Jasper was nowhere near as painful as it was to see Alice. If anyone had a reason to leave, Jasper was the perfect candidate. I wouldn't dare put the entire blame of the birthday catastrophe on him. Besides, I'd never had a strong emotional attachment to him. His presence was neither here nor there in my life before their departure. We had kind of lived in a strange coexistence, tied to each because of the connections of our significant others.

"Jasper." I stated quietly in greeting, my eyes still on his. I supposed I came across as wary, but mostly I had no clue what to say. What could you say to your apologetic attacker? Even if we didn't have a strange, final memory together, he'd typically been too brooding to approach casually. Our relationship was that of two informed acquaintances, practical strangers who knew far too much about each other's lives.

His response was the least of the Cullens that I was afraid of. His indifference towards me was beneficial, but ultimately would have no weight if they were to send me away.

Instead of responding, he turned to look at Alice, who was carrying all of our bags and closing the trunk. There was no trace of sheepishness on her face.

"Am I missing something? You just said you were about to hunt…in Vancouver. Which is in Canada. Across the continent." The words came out almost funny in their perplexity.

This interaction with Jasper was already miles away from anything else I'd experienced with him. He'd always been so quiet, the stoic figure in the back of the room. It was strange to hear him so…human-sounding. Confusion was an out of place feeling when it came to the Cullen household. I didn't get the impression they kept secrets from each other often.

She gave him an apologetic smile on her otherwise unbothered face. "I couldn't let anyone know I was coming home. And that I had company." She gestured to me.

Jasper turned to look at me again, thankfully not doing that weird once-over that I seemed to be getting a lot lately. Rationally, I knew only one person knew my secret. However, my frail figure couldn't help but garner attention from people. Perhaps I need to start wearing bulkier clothing.

The thought floated in my mind for a second before I realized I had been wearing sweatshirts for two months. How much bulkier could I get?

My attention returned to Jasper as he looked back to me. His eyes were no longer surprised, but instead curious.

"Carlisle?" she asked, still deflecting from explaining the situation. She sounded a touch too casual.

"He's here. I'm guessing he knew you were on your way…" he turned quickly in suspicion, looking expectantly towards the doorway. All too soon, we were having a small, sparsely populated reunion in their garage.

Carlisle's voice arrived before he did. "Alice, what on earth….?" He appeared in front of me suddenly, shocking my system. It had been so long since I had seen those quick, vampiric movements that were imperceptible to the human eye.

A sudden, white breath escaped me as I processed him in front of me. I felt my heartbeat increase suddenly, completely unprepared to be in the presence of three vampires. I blinked to dispel the growing clouding in my head as I struggled to keep my eyes on Carlisle, the leader of this small coven.

He stared not at me, but at Alice. Dressed in a navy sweater and khaki slacks, he looked so much like the father role he played, despite his still youthful looks. His normally soft and kind face was uncharacteristically pinched as he looked at his daughter.

He spoke in a concerned whisper. "Edward specifically asked us not to interfere with Bella's life. When I asked you to go to Forks, I never intended for you to bring her here!"

The combined agony of his rejection and the mention of _his_ name further weakened me. It took a great effort not to double over and cry. I swallowed thickly. I noticed Alice's eyes flash to me in concern.

Carlisle quickly turned to look at me again, reaching out a white, cold hand. I stepped forwards, my body betraying what I knew in my head to be right. My step, however, faltered and my will slipped and I collapsed.

Two months of not thinking about these particular vampires had unintentionally caused a huge shock to my system. I had been forcing myself to accept their permanent absence for weeks now, yet there I was again, forced into the small, private world of the Cullen clan. The hole in my chest was oddly silent, perhaps too astounded to react anything other than tragedy. It had yet to deal with the good things yet. Rather than feeling the ghastly pain, I didn't seem to feel anything.

Alice caught me before I could even begin my descent to the ground, her hands gripping my upper arms. I shook my head to dispel the spinning, continuous vertigo, but still attempted to smile a thanks towards her. At least, I thought it was a smile. My fumbling lips twisted in some shape that hopefully conveyed my gratitude.

As soon as her cold hands left me, I was unexpectedly enveloped in a cold, firm hug by Carlisle. He had never embraced me in such a way. In fact, most of the Cullens seemed to have an aversion to touching me. His smell and overall calming presence overwhelmed me.

I inhaled sharply and felt my legs give out from under me again. My eyes fell shut as the hole, who I thought for once was quiet, opened with a roaring ferocity.

This was far too much.

I'd been handling Alice well, despite our rough reunion. I'd been surviving on some sort of autopilot again, my mind ignoring the facts of the past months to attempt to accept the bizarre, miraculous events of the past twenty four hours. It was just so simple to fall back into the old routine, to ignore the current state of things. However, as soon as Carlisle touched me, reality decided to rear its ugly, agonizing head again.

The distress in my mind lost a clear form, gradually growing to some torturous whirring in the back of my head.

How were humans meant to withstand this kind of pain?

He felt my legs give out and held me up, cradling my lower back in his firm hands. I'd felt them on me in times of medical distress before. Only now, there was nothing wrong with my body. At least not physically.

With my eyes shut, I wasn't entirely sure if I was conscious. I could still feel and hear everything around me. Perhaps I just needed a moment to process the events.

"Alice!" he shouted.

I felt another pair of cold hands on me, gently pressed to my cheek. "Bella? Can you hear me?" She spoke in a soothing voice.

It took me a moment before I nodded slowly back to her, forcing myself back into the realm of reality. The pain was dull, but I didn't want to ignore it and allow myself to fall into the same ignorant place I was before.

"Bella, I'm going to let you go. Are you able to stand?" Carlisle spoke, concern radiating from his words.

I forced myself to speak. "Y-yes."

He let me go gently, and I stood shakily on my feet, eyes on the ground. The belated blush arrived and I winced as I noticed Jasper shift his weight from the corner of my eye. I almost opened my mouth to apologize, but I thought better of it. My mind was so fragile, who knew what would come out?

Alice was prepared to rationalize my reaction. "She hasn't eaten since the airport last night…Jazz go warm her up something."

I hadn't noticed the screaming hunger from my gut until Alice pointed it out. That definitely had not been the reason I passed out, but I would take that excuse over the truth any day. I wouldn't dream of telling them I'd fainted from mental instability.

They spoke a few quiet sentences to each other before ushering me inside. Alice placed her hand on my back the whole time, as if I was about to crumple in front of her. My own weakness terrified me. Had I really come undone just from seeing three of them?

Carlisle voiced an apology as we moved up the garage stairs. "I'm sorry, I truly didn't mean to startle you!" He held out his hands in apology. "We've just been so concerned and…I guess the human in me got the best of me." He laughed softly. I found myself unable to return the sentiment, my emotions not yet processing again.

He turned his attention to Alice, his voice quieter. "Alice, why didn't you update me? When I heard you talking to Jasper and Esme, I figured the pager was just a fluke and you didn't see it relevant to call me. Yet…," he looked towards me again.

 _Pager?_

That caught my attention.

Alice did not answer. Apparently there had been secret keeping in the Cullen household. This sounded odd to me until I realized the only one who could hear their most intimate secrets was no longer in the home. They could keep all the secrets they wanted now. The thought made me realize that no one knew if he had the intent to return.

We moved down a dark, narrow hallway before entering their brightly lit stage kitchen, a mass of ivory colored marble and stainless steel appliances. Jasper stood across the room in front of a microwave, the sound of low whirring filling the room. Alice led me over to a set of upholstered barstools. She jumped gracefully onto one of the stools, patting its neighbor to signify that she wanted me to join her. I moved tentatively but ultimately climbed up onto it. A moment later, the microwave beeped. Jasper was rapidly plating what looked—and smelled—like a Hot Pocket.

I'd had prided myself on never indulging in easy, fast food. However, the smell of the likely-fake meat left my stomach growling. He delivered it quickly and I took a small bite quickly, ignoring the heat that came off of it. I had to resist the urge to moan as I swallowed, finally feeling some reprieve for the silent hunger.

Alice cleared her throat, gaining the attention of both Carlisle and Jasper. I continued to eat, listening intently. "Perhaps I should explain." She placed her hands in front of her on the countertop before beginning, weaving her fingers together. "Carlisle left an emergency contact in Forks when he left." Alice could not go on to begin her next statement, as Jasper was already speaking over her.

His voice was flat and serious, but I could feel the sudden spikes of animosity in the room. I'd nearly forgotten his subtle gift. "You know better than to leave anything that has any ties to—"

Alice cut him off, raising her hand to settle him. "Listen to me, Jazz, before you go spinning any stories! He left it as a single precaution for Bella, in case of any serious hospitalizations or incidents following our departure from Forks. It was in a file that now's been shredded, burned, and replaced with dead end files. However, before that could happen, someone called the number." She smiled sarcastically at Jasper, who now looked somewhat placated.

Ah. So the number I called led to Carlisle's pager.

"I was in the area, so he sent me to check on Bella without telling anyone else. The less people who know anything about Bella, the less likely it can get back to…," she looked to me nervously, not wanting to say the name. Thankfully, the others nodded in agreement, not requiring further information.

"She's obviously not gravely injured, but somehow got the number and called us herself!" She looked at me pointedly. "This was not all for naught, however, because it has come to my attention that she requires your medical expertise nonetheless. I figured you valued her health over your son's insanity, so I brought her here." She finished with a flourish, crossing her arms.

' _Your son's insanity?'_ What did that mean? After a moment of circling thoughts, I settled on believing that it was just a comment reflecting her attitude towards his abandonment.

Even though she had explained most of the situation, the story was frustratingly vague to the outsiders, who only looked more curious than when she began.

I grew uncomfortable in the silence, my eyes dropping to the countertop.

"That's all you're going to tell us?" Jasper asked, his tone as annoyed as it could be when one was annoyed with their girlfriend. He stood leaning back across the counter, his arms crossed across his chest.

"Yes, because I'd much rather Bella's attention be diverted to Carlisle. There's a…situation."

I felt all of their eyes land of me again. I took another nervous bite of the Hot Pocket.

"What's the problem, Bella?" Carlisle's voice was incredibly soft and caring, but I could still hear the anger from outside in his voice. The tones of malice were definitely imagined, yet I still stifled a flinch.

I found it almost impossible to speak, my tongue heavy and numb. Was I supposed to just say it outright here, in front of Jasper and likely to a listening Esme? I realized a moment later that Esme would have come down with Carlisle. She probably was not in the house.

I forced myself to speak, pushing away the now empty plate. My hands shook, accidentally making a vibrating scraping sound on the marble. "Do you think we could go to your office? To speak privately?"

Understanding crossed over his aged, yet youthful face. He looked to Jasper, and gave a meaningful nod. His face looked just as annoyed as it typically did before he disappeared out of the room. In a sudden panic, I reached out to grab Alice. Logically, I knew my human grip wouldn't stop her from moving, but I think she realized I couldn't part from her just yet. She gave me a warm, comforting smile.

If she were speaking, she would be saying ' _Things will be alright'._

"Alice needs to be there too." I stated firmly. She was the only person who believed me. I needed her credibility. Also, the idea of her leaving me again was almost crippling. These vampires were coming and going far too often for my liking—and mental stability.

"Of course, of course. Are you finished?" He gestured towards my plate.

I still had an appetite, but I couldn't take the dread in my gut any longer. "Yes." I got down from the stool. I began to follow Carlisle, but Alice pulled back on my hand.

"You need to eat more," she spoke sternly.

I nodded to placate her. "I will! After I talk with him." I tried to give her a normal, friendly smile. "I could eat a house, honestly. Let me just get through this."

She gave me an odd look, likely seeing through my façade, but dropped my hand and waved towards Carlisle. He was already moving into their living room.

I unsurprisingly recognized nothing in the house, save for some of their pieces of art and pottery. All of the furnishings looked just as expensive as those in old house, but lacked the minuscule bit of wear that was on them. The kitchen led into a long, open living room with a wall of glass that looked out over the hillside, down over the trees and with a small hint of the nearby river. I could see the official foyer through an open hallway, but we moved to the contemporary staircase that was near the back of the room. Unlike the one from their Forks house, it was not grand and wide. Rather, it consisted of darkly stained wood planks that had four flights alternating up each floor, with one leading into the basement. We went upstairs and down a dark gray hall, leading into Carlisle's open study.

This study had taller ceilings than the Forks office, with french doors leading out onto a private balcony that hung over the hillside. It had fewer windows than the rest of the house, but it made up for it in wide skylights. The bookshelves were filled with ancient but familiar texts, their brown bindings almost painfully reminiscent from the day I spent in the study with _him_. I looked away and towards Carlisle before I could recall any more repressed thoughts.

He had moved to sit on the brown leather armchair in the sitting area to the left in his study, ignoring the grandeur of his desk. A plush, tufted chaise lounge faced the armchair, and he beckoned us to come sit on it. As I sat, the nerves spilled over, my tongue growing heavy again. I noticed my hand shaking and stuck it between my knees discreetly.

"So, Bella, what's the problem?" He sounded overly casual. He even looked the part, legs crossed but still having all of the doctorly authority, expressed through his knowledgeable face and grasped hands. I could see through his "cool, young doctor" persona almost immediately. I had to resist the urge to laugh and say _'Really? I think we're past this.'_

The bravery I'd had with Alice was nowhere to be found. How had I just blurted it like I did? Now, the words felt cursed. _Impossible, lies…._ I sat in silence, mortified to say the wrong thing. I didn't want a repeat of the Alice situation. I didn't think I could bear that feeling of stupidity and childishness again. Sucking in a deep breath, I opened my mouth ever so slightly to speak.

No sound came out.

Carlisle continued with his well-rehearsed doctor routine. "From what I can see, you've lost a significant amount of weight since we left Forks. Perhaps you have some sort of parasite you've contracted? I'd need to examine you of course…."

This time the laugh very nearly bubbled out of me. _A_ _parasite_. It wasn't that far from the truth. Depending on the church you attended, it may very well fit that definition.

I'm sure if I spoke that aloud no one else would find it particularly funny.

 _What are you, little one?_ I thought to no one in particular. I frowned at the errant thought, wondering where the affectionate name had come from. Such thoughts were dangerous until I had a better grasp on the situation. Of course, such a grasp would never come if I couldn't spill the vampire baby beans to Carlisle.

Alice joined me on the chaise lounge, wrapping her hand around my waist. The touch was light, but comforting nonetheless. "Why don't you let him feel?"

I noticed a change in Carlisle's calm expression, a minor slope in his brow as he surely tried to decipher what Alice meant by that.

I nodded, agreeing that that would probably be more concrete evidence than me stating outright as I had with Alice. I stood again, attempting to not wobble on my skinny legs. The dizziness from before was still present under the surface.

I stepped tentatively towards Carlisle, who's eyebrows were now thoroughly pinched in confusion. I held out my hand to signal that I needed his. He lifted it, but kept his wrist loose so I could move it how I pleased. I took in a shaking, deep breath before I bit my lip to stop the sound from registering.

Gripping Carlisle's hand, I pressed it against my level stomach.

He looked at me expectantly and confused for a second, his eyes dropping down to stare at nothing. Only moments later, however, his brow furrowed and I felt his fingers twitch, pressing the cool pads of his fingertips closer into my skin.

"What…am I feeling?" he asked quietly, his eyes still staring into my shirt and at nothing in particular.

I swallowed heavily, moving my eyes up to the vaulted ceiling in my anxiety.

"The heartbeat." My whisper came out as a rasp. My eyes traced the partially paneled ceiling, peering out of a skylight into the gray, endless sky. I refused to look down. Maybe if I looked up long enough, I would float away. Disintegrating into the vast entirety of the universe truly didn't sound so horrible when my fate was so unpredictable.

Carlisle did not say anything, but continued to feel my lower abdomen, pressing softly. I didn't dare look to see his expression.

"Carlisle—" Alice spoke, an edge to her voice. He must have dismissed her, as he was still pressing his cold hands onto my stomach. I heard her small, irritated sigh from a few steps behind me.

"I don't believe….There's no audible heartbeat but…." His voice sounded both amazed and concerned. I had no idea what to take from that.

I heard the distant sound of a loud thud, softened by layers and layers of walls and windows. Moments later, I heard a gasp in the doorway. The sound pulled my eyes from the ceiling. I noticed Carlisle's head snap towards the door as well.

Esme stood in the doorway, as beautiful as ever. Her caramel waves were the same, still falling softly over her shoulders with a timeless elegance. She was dressed in an expensive-looking tan raincoat and brown leather boots. She gripped the strap of her brown satchel in her hands, her mouth still open from her gasp. A second later, she dropped the bag, her hands flying up to cover her mouth.

I didn't notice the world was turning sideways until I hit the ground. I had fallen over, my legs giving out once more.

I fell into unconsciousness moments later, seeing their three faces hovering over me in panic before I succumbed to blissful oblivion.

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 **A/N: The next one is a little wild. Get ready to get moving. As always, reviews are appreciated.**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: So sorry for the long breaks between chapters. This one took a lot of blood, sweat, and tears (if you think I am joking, you are wrong). Anyways, I think a trip into Bella's unconscious is warranted. A new element of the story is being introduced a lá dreamland.**

 **Summary: "He was my only…anything. Only kiss, only touch, only…fuck. I couldn't call it anything other than a fuck, because anything else hurt too much. He said it was a mistake, and making love isn't a mistake. Fucking is a mistake. Nonetheless, babies come from fucking. And my body was carrying a…baby." Bella awakens with a bit more clarity after her breakup-induced depressed stupor. With a biologically impossible situation at hand, Bella must find her way back to the Cullens and solve the problem that no normal teenage girl is fit to handle. New Moon AU, BxE.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Rated M for sexual content, mention of self-harm, adult themes, and adult language.**

* * *

 **Chapter 11**

 _"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars, points of light and reason. ...And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason, for anything." —_ Edward Cullen, New Moon

x

Slipping into my unconscious didn't go exactly as it normally did. Blissful oblivion was not what met me on the other side.

Normally, my dreams crept up on me; my unconscious mind dragging me into their depths one wave at a time until I eventually was pulled under. The dreams were always so deceivingly soft before unleashing the full force of their monstrous creations, leaving me drowning and choking for breath in their wake. However, when I fainted in Carlisle's study, I felt as if I was crossing some mirrored chasm, my sense of direction flipped rapidly and gravity pulling me the opposite way. I was falling through the sky, plummeting down into a great, immense nothingness.

There was no cushioned transition. I went from conscious to unconscious the second my eyes closed.

My thoughts from before floated to the forefront of my mind. _Disintegrating into the vast entirety of the universe truly didn't sound so horrible when my fate was so unpredictable._

My brain was so annoying sometimes.

As I fell, I remained silent, totally aware of my surroundings. Screaming would be silly. I knew I was dreaming.

I realized quickly that for the first time in my life, I was lucid dreaming.

Despite the horribly realistic nightmares I'd been having for months, I'd never had the pleasure of being aware of them. At least not to the point where I could realize it was all just a figment of my imagination, or whatever twisted part of my brain controlled my dreams. I'd been forced to endure them as if they were fact before being pulled from them, only to return to my ghostlike reality.

For a moment, I dared to consider that it was truly real, since it _felt_ real—the brisk wind lapped at my skin with a painful realness, the air fragrant with a cool, pure scent I'd never encountered before; something untainted by pollution and fumes—but I felt the quasi-familiar fuzz of a dream lingering on the edges of my vision. I stretched a hand out, running my fingers through the gossamer texture of my reality. The air felt like damp cotton-candy, wispy and soft and wet.

As I plunged to the ground, I felt no fear within me. It slowly dawned on me that it reminded me of running with Edward through the misty Forks forests. In fact, the sensations were exactly the same, save for the cotton-candy air.

I shut my eyes as I prepared for the impact of the imaginary fist, pummeling into my chest, but blinked when I realized nothing came.

Huh.

 _Edward_ , I thought again, making sure the name had a chance to sink in.

Nothing. No increase in heartbeat, no clouded vision. I felt nothing as I fell to the ground. Despite my obvious weight, dragging me closer and closer to some unknown earth, I felt weightless.

I could think of him there.

The realization made total sense. Seeing him in my dreams was always a sort of wish-fulfillment until the horror began. The dreams never hurt until _he_ made me hurt, the horrific memory of his goodbye not totally stained until the blood from my punctured heart began to escape.

Maybe I hadn't been so wrong about flying out into the universe before.

I felt my speed slow slightly as I reached the top of some atmosphere, a perfect dome with a microscopic world beneath. I could see the flashing of lights and tiny movement of civilization as I floated down, crossing the barrier only to enter and feel as I had never come from the blackness. I was falling through a never-ending night sky. I stretched out my other arm, stretching my wingspan as I fell to the ground. I shut my eyes.

I continued to descend, the cotton wind caressing my face. I only opened my eyes when it stopped.

As soon as I opened them, I fell painfully into some sort of boat.

 _What kind of dream…._

I felt the buoyancy of the water beneath me, but I had landed face down, unaware of my surroundings. My body was sore all over my side and back, which struck me as strange considering I should have shattered my face.

I waited for the boat to still before pushing myself up with my arms. Other than the soreness, I was totally uninjured. The thought of my baby briefly crossed my mind, but I mentally waved it away, some innate sense telling me that the baby didn't exist inside me there. It was not a part of my worries.

As I pushed myself up, I lifted my eyes, trying my best to see where exactly I had fallen. The boat was still other than me pushing on it, indicating I was on smooth waters. As I peeked over the edge of the small, wooden boat, I saw totally still water surrounding me.

The sight was initially uncomfortable. Naturally occurring water wasn't still. It moved constantly, constantly gyrating by some strange force generated by the moon. I looked up at the thought, seeking some answer to my unasked query, only to see I was in the midst of a moonless night. It wasn't an all-too-unfamiliar sight, since new moons were typical of all moon cycles. However, what was unfamiliar was the picturesque sky, brilliantly lit by millions and millions of stars, far more detailed than anything I had been able to see, especially living in the constantly lit mammoth of Phoenix and the eternally cloudy Forks. The closest I'd come was seeing photos on the internet, taken by professional cameras in expensively distant places. I gasped, literally starstruck. My eyes followed the top of the atmosphere I had fallen through, shaping the curve of the galaxy in the concentration of stars. I turned my head to take in the rest of the landscape.

I was in the middle of what looked like an infinite volcanic lake, circular and extending for what looked like thousands of miles. The water was perfectly still, reflecting the image of the stars with perfect mimicry. My boat was the only disturbance in the whole body of water, and even it was still, my rocking not having an effect by rippling the water. I was thankful, as it didn't disturb the literal heaven above and below me, making me feel as I was swathed in stars. I lifted my eyes, spotting some darkness on the horizon. Mountains surrounded the circle, reaching jagged peaks topped with pink-tinted snow and snow-dusted pines. Despite the miles and miles of water, they were close, not as tiny as they should have been at the edge of the endless lake.

I realized in the back of my head that this was not possible, but it was my _dream_ , goddammit. I could have infinite lakes with visible boundaries if I wanted them.

The world was seemingly bathed in a periwinkle light that gave the impression of the moments in the hour following the sun's dip below the horizon, the air aglow despite no light source in the sky or lightness in the clouds of the peripheral. I looked to my pale hands, illuminated by the stars and lit exactly as the snow in the distance. I turned my head, to see what was behind me, expecting more of the sprawling heaven, but instead saw the familiar figure from my nightmares. I began to suck in a shocked gasp, the action exaggerated by the slowness of a dream.

I didn't think it was possible for me not to be surprised by him.

He lay there, perfectly still and laying across the wooden bench at the bow of the boat. As he always was in my dreams, he was a perfect recreation of his exquisite real self. His frosty skin was even brighter than mine, glowing an ethereal blue in the starlight, making him look even more mythical than he normally did. In fact, I detected a slight luminosity as if his skin was refracting the light from the stars even from millions of miles away. His face was still inhumanly and unbearably gorgeous, thick brows with a straight nose and those ever-so-slightly full lips. I only wished his eyes weren't shut so I could see how his eyes looked in this strange world. I noticed with a frown that he looked a little more disheveled than Dream-Edward typically did, with deep shadows under his eyes, tousled hair, and an extremely _off_ expression. I couldn't put my finger on its name. He looked strangely bored with a touch of…hopelessness?

I knew this heaven couldn't remain untouched by my perpetual nightmares. How long until the pain would begin?

Dream-Edward was an idiot. How could he be missing this vision? I wanted to do nothing more than stare up at the sky for the rest of my existence. This was by far the best nightmare yet. I almost wanted to pull my eyes away to look back up, but they were still fixed on the only thing that had ever rivaled that kind of beauty.

My gasp ended finally, reverberating oddly over the completely silent space. I waited for some sort of reaction. As it was my first lucid dream, how would I engage with this version of Dream-Edward? I'd never had to call the shots inside my own head. Dream-Bella was usually doing something stupid already.

His eyes opened, expression unchanging. At the angle in which he lay, I couldn't see the change in his eyes. He stared deadly ahead before suddenly blinking furiously. Had something gotten in his eyes?

He shouted, making me jump. "Damn this blasphemy!" His voice, normally soft and musical, had that hard, furious power that I'd only heard on a few occasions. It had to have been the part of his voice that could form the roar I'd heard in the ballet studio. The sound was raw and rough, his typically pleasant voice more akin to the guttural roar of the mountain lions he loved to kill. Chills broke out across my skin underneath my jacket, and I crawled back ever so slightly. If my heart was reacting, it would have been pounding. I realized belatedly that I couldn't hear it. At all.

In one of his mind-spinning vampire movements, he was sitting up, looking straight at me. I prepared for some sort of reaction, but as I looked at his face, I noticed the absolute blankness in his eyes. They stared and stared, burning somehow in their flatness. Flat black and hot red, all at the same time.

Black eyes. He hadn't hunted in weeks. That explained the bruises beneath them.

He looked at where I sat, but his eyes were unseeing. "Is someone there?" he whispered.

 _He can't see me._

I stared, jaw dropped. His senses were always so strong. He told me he was able to see the individual threads of my blanket when we were laying in total darkness in my bedroom, every ant on the tree outside my window.

Even in the strangest of my fantasies, I could not fathom what this meant.

 _Speak, you idiot_ , I thought.

I sputtered out a response. "Y-yes."

 _Nice_.

His eyebrows lifted to his hairline, his hard expression turning into bewilderment. The face fell quickly before looking suddenly pissed. "Am I hallucinating now?" He grumbled, seemingly to himself. He moved to lay back again before I scrambled to speak, feeling some strange urge to give in to the dream.

"No, no, Edward, I'm here!" I spoke quickly, forcing down any nervous stutters. He had to be able to hear me. It slowly dawned on me that that perhaps was the key part of the nightmare. I could see Edward and all his mysterious suffering, but I could no nothing but watch.

He stilled his movements, before laughing and laying back down again. He crossed his arms behind his head, smiling bleakly at the sky. "After decades of hearing thoughts and then finally isolating myself to _not_ hear said thoughts, I finally hear the ones I wanted to most. Cruel joke, world."

Relief flooded through me at the realization that I was not doomed to watch him helplessly. Unfortunately, the relief was quickly replaced. Dream-Edward was being rather pessimistic and it annoyed me. We were here in the most perfect of places—a place that could _literally_ be only conjured within the realm of my dreams—and he had to spoil it by being moody. Then again, it wasn't an interaction with Edward without his wild mood swings. That was one of the things I hadn't missed.

"It's not a hallucination. It's a dream." I muttered, annoyance lacing my tone. I forced my eyes away from him, out towards the starry web around us. The view was utterly fascinating. I crossed my arms over the edge of the boat, laying my head sideways to peer upwards. I could trace the galaxy all day.

"It wouldn't be a dream if I were there." He laughed blackly. "Haven't you heard, Hallucination-Bella? I'm a demon." He was silent for a second. "A monster." His voice was suddenly disgusted. "Although I guess it makes sense for you to ignore that fact. She always did." His tone grew biting.

The dream was growing stranger by the minute. I'd never engaged with him for such a long period of time, my brain always choosing to start the pain-fest as soon as possible. Dream-Bella enjoying something couldn't possibly last long. My eyes dropped down to the water, and I lifted my hand to trail my fingers across the surface of the lake. My fingers simply dipped below, causing no change to the body of water. "You're wrong, Dream-Edward."

He was silent, so I decided to ask the first question that had popped into my mind from when I landed here. "Where am I?"

He laughed again. The sound made me uncomfortable; there was no joy, only bitterness and self-directed spite. "My own personal hell."

Dream-Edward was blind and… _angsty_? What was my brain trying to convey this time? He typically was the ideal, angelic Edward. He had the glowing part right, but where were the smiles? Those hypnotic golden eyes? He was supposed to be happy.

Also, he did not answer the question. I fought the urge to roll my eyes. Typical Edward. "You always said that was what I was."

I heard the sound of his hand scraping over his stone face. I could imagine the image of it almost perfectly in my head. "Oh, you couldn't be more wrong." He nearly echoed my words, sending my head spinning.

x

I was pulled through the sky again, this time not free-falling, but yanked upwards as if by some colossal ripcord. Dream-Edward grew smaller and smaller beneath me, but I felt no loss or pain. Some sense told me I would see him again. This information was surprisingly easy to swallow in my ascent.

I awoke moments later, gasping loudly as I adjusted to the normal air. I felt cold, as if I'd just left a hot shower and stepped into Charlie's freezing bathroom. Goosebumps sprung up all over me, covering my bare arms. I noted the light draft from the open window in the back of my mind.

 _Wow_.

What a strange dream.

They'd never been that vivid and I blinked as I realized that I could recall every single detail. I could never have imagined such a beautiful place, and the image was permanently etched into my mind. As I stared out into the unfamiliar room in front of me, my sight was still star-studded, slowly fading as my eyes tried to adjust. I blinked to rid myself of the blindness, just as he had.

I ran through the events again, my mind amazed. It took a second for me to realize it hadn't been a nightmare after all. I had seen him and Edward hadn't hurt me.

The feeling in my chest returned, and I sighed heavily. I knew I could not escape for it so long. I noticed with a small bit of glee that it did not hurt nearly as much as it did before. I did not allow myself to dwell on that thought, fearful of optimism. I was also still half-asleep.

I blinked again, forcing myself out of the dream and back into reality. I didn't typically have this much trouble after I'd woken up.

Maybe I had just forgotten what it was like to dream.

I looked around the unfamiliar room, slowly gaining awareness. I was in the middle of a dark bedroom, the sky outside the curtained window dark. Had I been out of it for that long? I couldn't see very many small details, my vision still blurry from sleep.

I lifted my hands to rub my face, a gut reaction to make sure everything was real again, but I felt a soreness in the crook of my left arm. I lowered my arms.

As soon as I had emerged from the euphoria, I was almost instantaneously drenched in the hellfire.

My left arm was wrapped tightly in gauze, the clear sign of blood having been drawn. This would have been understandable, considering Carlisle was a doctor who was trying to help my condition, if not for my arms being exposed.

My stomach dropped as my eyes swept over the nearly-forgotten scars, a bruised shade in the faint moonlight. I felt the same nausea I always did when I saw them, accompanied by the horror that came with the realization that they had been seen.

The feeling was choking.

My other arm was bare, as well, showing its own collection of grisly marks. That explained why I felt so suddenly cold. I had been dressed in my jacket in the dream, and I awoke only under a thin blanket. Even before I collapsed, I was wearing a long-sleeved shirt beneath the jacket.

Had they undressed me?

I didn't doubt it. I would have been intensely uncomfortable if Alice had not spent the better part of last spring helping me dress and undress for my showers. Her changing my clothes to take care of me wasn't a strange occurrence.

I could only imagine her shock.

Literally. Since I'd only seen her shocked once.

The color drained from my face slowly, my self-revulsion growing. _Weakness_. She'd seen it.

I rolled over onto my side, unconsciously curling into myself. I swallowed a sob, knowing they would hear it if I began to cry. I'd have to get myself back into the vampire habits again.

How could I have been so foolish? I should have listened to Alice and eaten. If I had just taken a fucking banana or something none of this would have happened. They wouldn't have felt the need to take my blood while I was unconscious, completely unable to stop them from rolling up my sleeves and seeing the permanent consequences of my weakness. I could have finished my conversation with Carlisle and Esme, explained to them the situation without them having to fill in the blanks, with small contributions from Alice's limited knowledge. We could have discussed a plan.

Instead, I was laying useless in the dark, weak and exposed.

Tears formed in my eyes, but I didn't blink them away. These, at least, were not weak tears. They were angry tears. Anger directed at myself.

Several fell onto my pillow before I rolled onto my back again, not wanting to dampen their fine linens. My Target sheets wouldn't be damaged by the salt of my tears, but who knew about their Egyptian cotton.

I stared up at the ceiling, my eyes following the curves and edges of the simple chandelier. They dropped lower as they finished their journey, falling on the towering shelves that were in front of me. Tall and filled with countless books and CDs and records…

I sat up, my heart pounding suddenly.

 _His_ room.

Agony ripped through me like a spear from the back, my chest trying to claw itself open and outwards, spitting my lungs and hearts out until I was nothing but a hollow cavern. My breath ceased, unable to draw in more oxygen.

I shot up from the bed, running towards the first door I saw on the right side of the room. I was relying completely on my flight instinct. I opened it, prepared to dart into a hallway of some sorts, but instead ran face first into a wall of fabric.

Oh… _Jesus_ …

The smell wafted off the fabric and literally smacked me in the face, immediately dredging up thousands of willingly-repressed memories. _Honey…sunshine_ ….That torturously addictive scent….I forced myself away in disgust, my face a mask of terror and pain. _Too much…too much_ …I backed away, closing the door quickly and running to the door across the room, ignoring the mysterious door next to the closet. That one had the higher chance of being an en suite bathroom. My intuition proved to be correct as I opened the door into the hallway, accidentally making it swing on its hinge from my urgency.

I padded down the hall quickly, my footsteps slightly muffled by the plush carpet beneath my toes. I turned to descend the staircase, having no destination other than _not there_ , but ran straight into a vampire. Holding food. The impact of colliding with her rock hard figure sent me landing on my butt.

I heard the rattling of glass and the sloshing of liquid, meaning I had knocked over a glass of something. Thankfully, by the time I looked up to see the damage, Esme was catching it with one hand and supporting the tray of food with the other.

"Bella," she admonished, clucking her tongue. She put the cup back down on the tray before offering me a hand. "You're supposed to be resting."

Was she just going to ignore my deluded escape attempting? Surely she could hear the sound of my heart, pounding behind my ears.

She stared at me expectantly, her eyes warm and waiting. The coat from earlier was gone, revealing a white button down and corduroy riding pants. I hesitated before lifting my arm, but I ultimately didn't want to seem rude by rejecting her kindness. Her eyes stayed trained on my face. She spared me the shame of looking at my arms.

She moved to go back to his room but I couldn't lift my feet. What was I supposed to say? _No, not that room._ They were already being so hospitable. How could I sound so ungrateful?

I came up with an excuse suddenly. "C-can I eat downstairs?"

She eyed me warily before nodding. "On the couch. With a blanket. And television."

I nodded, grateful. We both turned around and descended the stairs.

She quickly set up a spot for me on their large sectional, tucking me in the corner with three blankets and a sweater. She handed me the pile offhandedly to make it seem that the sweater was in there by chance, but I knew she was doing that Esme kind of caring where she made as little of a fuss of everything as possible. She put on some mindless reality show that I actually found myself watching for a little bit.

I was surprisingly hungry for once and I happily ate the chicken soup. It was easy on my stomach and surprisingly delicious. In those moments of precious silence when I did not have to speak, Esme told me that she had just come back from a twenty-four-hour supermarket when she returned earlier, bags filled with produce and typical American groceries. I almost questioned her about the time, but I didn't want to speak before it was necessary. I was reveling in the food I was eating.

On the side, there was a quarter of a buttered baguette which tasted like actual heaven to me. After months of eating god knows what, I hadn't had a proper meal in far too long. The closest thing was when I made spaghetti for Charlie, but even then I had browned the meat a little too much.

I heard her flitting around the kitchen behind me, still not addressing anything of value. It almost made me feel normal. Almost.

She was chopping vegetables again and dumping them into a massive crock pot. Noticing my stare, she smiled. "Carlisle told me you would need to start eating a lot of broth based items to build your tolerance to food again. Thankfully, these are the kinds of meals I made back in my human days….He doesn't think you're quantifiably malnourished, but you were getting pretty close." Her voice took on a more serious tone and I noticed the sound of potatoes being chopped increase in intensity.

 _Malnourished_? I blanched. I hadn't been eating particularly well for a while, but I was eating nonetheless. How had I become nearly malnourished? I thought my skinny frame was appropriate for a couple months of depression.

"He's coming back after nine, when his shift ends. He should have your blood results by then." She looked up to me again, smiling softly.

It quickly dawned on me that I had no idea what time it was. Did she mean nine at night? In the morning?

"What time is it?" I whispered finally, breaking my silence for the first time since we came downstairs.

She glanced at her watch. "7:30. PM." She winked as she added the last part for my benefit.

I internally cursed myself. I'd slept for almost twelve hours. Alice and I hadn't exactly discussed my return home, but she knew I couldn't stay here indefinitely. My time with the Cullens was definitely limited before I returned to my dreary gray bubble in Forks.

The thought made my weak heart crush just a little.

"Alice and Jasper?" I asked. If Alice were here, she surely would have found me by now.

Esme had returned to chopping, tearlessly decimating an onion. "They're hunting. Jasper wanted to take any necessary precautions while you're here. They both thought they'd be back by the time you awoke."

She didn't need to say any more. I understood.

The silence grew and I glanced over at her after a few minutes of getting sucked into the television again. I had seen her in my peripheral vision, looking up and down occasionally. When I looked at her from the couch, her mouth was open, but no sound came out. It dawned on me that she was trying to say something. Sometimes, Esme could be so surprisingly human it astounded me. Vampires being anything other than confident was…wrong. Foreign.

She noticed my stare on her and she squared her shoulders before speaking. "Today, when I saw you, Bella….before I even noticed what was happening in the office….I was overcome with such grief, such _shame_ at how we have treated you. I saw you, so small, and I feel like I have betrayed you." Her eyes shone with a determination to speak her truth. "While I have no blood ties to you, neither do I to the rest of my children. I truly had begun to see you as my daughter. I still do, in fact. I still see you the same way I did the night of your birthday party. All I want is to just try to mend this situation with you. It nearly kills me to know that you have felt so much anguish over us leaving. Especially when many of us never wanted to leave in the first place….And now that there's a chance….a near _certainty_ that you are carrying a part of our family, I don't think I could ever forgive myself if I continue to let you live on without contact with us. It was horribly cruel for us to leave with no way to reach us. This—" she gestured towards me—"is enough proof to show why that was a disastrous idea in the first place."

She stopped for a second to take a breath, but went onwards. "E—My son…I will never know his feelings. I spent decades trying to understand him. It was absolutely futile. I'll never understand why he does the things he does and typically it's not my place to try to stop him. But me not fighting against his request that we leave is probably one of the biggest mistakes of my life." She paused, eyes dropping and looking remarkably human again. "Bella, do you think you could forgive me?"

I stared at her blankly, unable to form a response.

My experiences with vampires typically included me being the vulnerable one, since I was figuratively and literally prey in the Cullen household. I had always been the one to feel weak, whereas each of them had intimidated me in their own, unique way. Esme, however, was the first to show weakness to me. And it made me want to cry.

My feelings of abandonment from the last month were practically screaming with full force, all of my healed scars open and bleeding. I knew she had not meant to put me through such pain, but that didn't make it go away. The pain was a reminder that, despite all of her sweet words, they still had left. No matter how much she regretted her mistake, I had been hurt. I had hurt more than I ever thought possible. There was no going back to how I was before I met them, a stupid teenage girl who desired nothing more than to live in a desert city and read an old book. Could I forgive her? Maybe not all of the others. But she was reaching out with compassion that I did not deserve.

I had no idea, but I decided to at least try.

Her stare was initially unrelenting, but I think she noticed my strange stillness and went back to cooking, pouring something into the crockpot. Meanwhile, I was furiously blinking away tears.

"Yes," I whispered after a long moment, my eyes dropped to the white, knit blanket strewn across my lap.

I heard the silverware clatter on the countertop and I looked up. She looked astonished. "You do?"

I nodded, looking away to conceal the wetness in my eyes. "You owe nothing to me. Why would you say any of this if there was no gain for you unless you were being completely honest? I've never doubted any of your compassion. It just took too long for me to realize that he was right. I was just never good enough for you guys. There's nothing to forgive," I spoke truthfully. A little too truthfully, in fact. Her brightly lit face seemed to have dimmed.

She placed the lid on the crockpot and walked over to me, coming to join me on the sectional. It shocked me when her cold hands grabbed my own. She stared directly into my eyes and I found it nearly impossible to look away.

"Bella, what do you mean 'he was right'? What exactly did he say to you?"

My face flushed at the horrid memory, but I was so transfixed in her stare that I felt the words spilling out. "That I was no good for you all." I struggled to paraphrase. Those were not his exact words, but I didn't think I could quote him without fainting again. After my last blackout, I didn't want to lose any more time with them.

I heard the sudden clicking of heels on the floor before stopping suddenly. I turned my head to see that Alice had entered the house again, the door from the balcony open behind her. I gasped as I took her image in. Her short hair was wet and inky from the rain that had apparently began to fall outside, starkly contrasting against her pale skin. It was plastered against her forehead, shiny and spiky. Her bright golden eyes were wide, glowing with fury. When she spoke, her teeth were almost bared. "Oh, I am going to _eat_ him."

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 **A/N: This chapter is more than it seems. Reviews are much appreciated!**


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